I grab my last bag and fling it over my shoulder. Walking backward toward the door, I silently say goodbye to my childhood, just as Dad said. It’s like this movie playing through my head, and I can see years of my life sitting in this room, from as far back as I can remember. Those days are over now.
With each step down the stairs, I feel the pressure in my chest build, knowing I’m walking away from everything that has ever been comfortable, and toward the unknown. Mom is at the bottom of the stairs with a tissue in her hand and tears dripping from her eyes. “I tried so hard to convince myself to be happy for you, AJ, but I’m going to miss you so much,” she says, choking up. “You know, you spend every day from the moment your child is born telling yourself you have time, nothing but time, and I said that every day since the moment you were born, but now you’re a grown man and my time feels like it’s up.”
Selfishly, all I can think is that she got eighteen whole years. I only got eighteen minutes with my daughter. “It’s been a good eighteen years, Mom, and I’m still your son, always will be.” And my daughter will always be my daughter too, no matter who she’s living with.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Mom presses up on her toes and wraps her arms around my neck. “You’re a brave man, AJ. Strong, good…so much good fills your heart.”
“I’m just going to school, Mom,” I remind her.
Her lips are pressed against my ear and she whispers, “I know you’ve had a rough few months, and we never have to talk about it. But I’m proud of you for doing all the right things, even if it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to.” She could be referring to my “friendship” with Cammy or she could know about the pregnancy. It isn’t like them not to pry into my business, especially with something as life-consuming as a baby, but we’ll leave it as is.
With more tears and goodbyes, Mom walks me to the door and squeezes her hand around my wrist. She won’t tell me not to leave, but I feel it within her grip. Dad opens the door and places a hand on my shoulder. “Drive safe, AJ,” he says. I take the step outside, but Mom is still holding my arm, so I look back at her and the anguish in her eyes. I don’t want to ever feel the way she’s feeling, not again, which is why I will never ever put another child on this earth, no matter what. Dad places his hand over Mom’s and gently peels her gripping fingers from my arm and tucks her against his chest as he waves goodbye with a clenched jaw and tears coating his eyes. “Make us proud, Son.”
I walk out, refusing to look back because if I do, I might lose it too. I get into the truck and forget about the rearview mirror, but I wave.
It takes a good hour into the drive before the knot in my chest loosens a little. I turn up the music and focus on what’s ahead of me instead of what I left behind this year. It’s the only plan I have right now. I’ve never felt alone before, but right now I feel like I’m the last person alive. It’s not a great feeling, but I know that’ll change the second I pull into the campus.
Just as I’m passing over the border into Rhode Island, my phone buzzes in the cup holder. With eagerness, I grab it, hoping it might be Cammy, but when I glance down at the display, I see it’s only Hunter.
“Hey,” I say, answering the phone.
“I’m sure you just went through the whole, long goodbye spiel with Mom and Dad, so I’ll spare you of that and give you the other half of what you need to hear. Listen carefully…”
“Ugh,” I groan.
“Wait, put him on speaker phone,” I hear in the background. It’s Ellie—his right arm and fiancé. Who has a fiancé at twenty? But then, who has a kid at seventeen?
The two of them are talking at the same time, and I can hardly understand either one of them, but Hunter finally stops talking so Ellie can take over.
“How’s my little brother?” she croons.
“You’re not married yet,” I correct her. She’s been referring to me as her little brother since I was two but lately I’ve had a reason to tease her about it since she’s literally going to be family within the next year now.
“Shut it, AJ,” she says. “Listen…you’re going to have a buffet of ladies to choose from, but wrap it up and stay smart.” I hear her giggle as a rustling noise takes over the call.
“Sorry,” Hunter says. “Be glad you have a brother. Anyway, have fun. Have the best time, and she was right about the buffet of chicks.”
“Hunter!” Ellie scolds
“Chicken, there’s always so much chicken at the dining halls.” The two of them are so annoying sometimes. “She doesn’t like when I call women chicks,” he mutters. “But yeah, take the time to be free and…”
“Oh my God, Hunter. Do you want to be free in college? We can arrange that!” Ellie says through laughter.
“Do you listen to yourselves?” I ask them. Since they’ve basically been married for twenty years already, they act like an old married couple, but they also act like they can’t breathe without each other. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why they acted that way, but I figured it out with Cammy.