“And I am not,” she finished his sentence, resignation in her voice. “I understand. How we feel no longer matters, it’s only how you will be perceived.”
Maggie rose, the cat in her arms. “Thank you for the sanctuary you offered me when I needed it most. I wish…” She closed her eyes, as if in pain. “I will not inflict my sinful self on you again, Reverend Oltmann.” She paused in the doorway and spoke without turning. “I will miss you, though. Please, be happy.”
Kris waited until her footsteps died away, then collected his coat and hat and let himself out. Turning blindly down the first side street, he chose a meandering path home, grateful, for once, that he no longer knew everyone in River’s Bend. Out of habit, he stepped inside the church and wandered toward the aisle. For the first time in his memory, he didn’t want to be here.
“Why, God?” Kris dropped into a seat near the front. “Why did you bring her here? Was it only to taunt me with what I can’t have? Am I to be alone for the rest of my life? Is that your wish?”
He dropped his forehead to his folded hands, praying as he’d never prayed before. “Tell me what to do, Lord. I love her! Would you have me give her up? How can you do this to one of your children? To me?
“I am Your servant, required to uphold Your word. I’ll lose my pulpit, be cast out of the church by the Elders. I can’t risk everything I’ve worked for. I took a vow to serve you, Lord. I live in accordance with your example. How could I fall in love with a woman who is ungodly?”
But Maggie Flanaghan wasn’t ungodly, Kris realized as his mind calmed and the silence deepened. She’d made a mistake by trusting a man who didn’t deserve her regard, but she was a shining example of Christ’s teachings: caring for others before herself, giving without thought of gain, loving even the most unlovable among them…
Like myself, Kris realized. Here I sit, condemning her for being human, for making a mistake, while I am arrogant enough to believe I have the right to sit in judgment. To uphold the word of God was to live as Christ taught, wasn’t it? To forgive.
Kris walked to the altar and fell to his knees. “Forgive my stupidity, Lord; my arrogance. What Maggie did in her past isn’t important. Who she is now is what matters, and she is perfect.” He looked up at the rough-hewn cross he’d often thought should be replaced with one of brass and gold. Now, it looked just right. “She is exactly as You made her. And I’ve been a fool.”
If the people of River’s Bend couldn’t accept them together, they’d find another place. Anywhere that Maggie was with him would be home.
Now, he just had to convince Maggie to take a chance on him.
CHAPTER TEN
Grateful Rebekah was visiting Mary Hawken this morning, Maggie trudged through the kitchen door, tired to the bone and out of options. She’d spent the morning talking with all the settlers who waited to cross the river and resume their journeys west, but no one would let her join their wagon.
Shaking the rain from her cloak, she exchanged it for a faded wool shawl and crossed to the stove to stir up the fire and put a kettle on to boil. Shivering from weariness more than the damp, she held her hands toward the growing flames.
She’d spoken to everyone, but their wagons were already full of children and dreams. They had no room for a woman traveling alone who didn’t have enough money to pay her way.
“I should have kept Maudy and Henrietta,” she muttered, knowing it wouldn’t matter if she had. She couldn’t feed herself, let alone two mules.
And then there was the baby. She’d never reach Denver before her condition became obvious. Perhaps she could find a place back in Saint Louis with people who didn’t know her. She could tell them she was a widow, or a young bride waiting to join her husband before the baby arrived.
Maggie wandered the first floor, touching the knick-knacks Rebekah had collected over the years. “I suppose I could return to New York,” she mused. At least, there, she knew people. Of course, those same people had been very clear that they’d be glad to see the back of her. And she’d drown under the weight of the memories if she went back.
Tying an apron around her waist, Maggie started dinner. Even if she couldn’t stand the thought of food, Franz and Rebekah were paying her to cook.
As she sliced and mixed, she worried her situation around in her mind. She had a little bit of money from selling the wagon and mules. Returning as far as St. Louis made sense, but she didn’t want to go back. It felt too much like failure. Maggie laid a hand over her womb. “We have to go forward, little one. Somewhere, there’s a place for us to begin again, just you and me.”