“I can be patient.” Suddenly, Malina’s face crumpled like a child readying a cry. “It was my stepbrothers selling me, Miz Lila, how I came to be here at the Red Cliff. Not my own directive. I didn’t know no better. I didn’t know no better.”
Lila’s skin crawled. She didn’t want to know, but Emmett had explained that confession was part of the job. “You’re better now, Malina. Stronger. You’ve found friends. Love.”
“Ma was gone by then, and my step-pa gave me no never-mind even when she lived. He’d never come looking this high up. Nobody would. But children were worth a great deal.”
Lila’s blood curdled. “Children?”
“I was just turned twelve.”
Words tied up with horror in her throat. Here she was, shaming herself for not knowing a husband’s body, but she’d been grown up when all of it came about. For a child to be brutalized against her will, without love, by men too disturbed to know better...
At least Emmett had respected her weaknesses. “Oh, dear, oh dear, Malina.”
Malina folded her hands against her breast as if rejoicing. “Clemmons knows all of this, and doesn’t mind a bit.” Her child-face closed so right, suddenly so old, cold and sad. All doubt and indecision vanished. Lila resolved then and there to find her infant son.
“I think Clemmons helped me regain my soul.” Malina wiggled her toes, well tucked in blankets, as though eager to rise. “We sparked from the first time we met at Gethsemane. He’s healing from his wounds, and getting stronger. And I know there were times he took too much to the drink. But I can keep him strong against his demons. And I know he’ll be able to find gainful employment.” Then Malina brightened. “I’ve seen Mr. Sanderson look at you, Miz Lila, with the same eyes Clemmons looked at me the first time. Still looks at me now. Eyes of love and beauty. I-I never felt beautiful before.”
Her words stung and delighted both. Lila had in truth felt Bronx’s soft gaze, but... “Why, Malina, I’ve known Mr. Sanderson but a few days.”
“But I see it. And you felt sparkles, the first time your eyes met. Didn’t you? It don’t take long at all. I know you think...your husband still lives in your heart, but Miz Lila, he’s dead and gone. You’re alive and well. And so is Mr. Sanderson.”
But no. “No, Malina. I’m not as alive as you think.” It might be time, to speak the words out loud to one who had lived a life that had gone sideways, in a crooked direction no one had planned. Good night, by this age, Mama had birthed two of her three children. But Lila was yet alone.
“Mr. Bronx deserves a complete woman.” Lila brushed the bed covers smooth, and sat next to Malina because her knees shook, tried to halt the trembles in her voice. “And Emmett proved to me I am no such thing.”
“You speak silly words. How on earth could Mr. Emmett prove such a thing? What did he say to you? Do to you?” Accusation gripped Malina’s words.
Lila heated from top to toe, stared at the wall, relived five empty years in the flash of a blink. “I was never woman enough to inspire him to be a complete husband. Although I truly longed for him from the first.”
And she had. Tears dusted her lashes. The unfulfilled wedding night, well, she had understood his patience with her maidenly ways. His willingness to wait to unravel her inexperience.
But her eventual invitations had gone unrewarded with him declaring her too prudish, too proper…and only a lawless culture would unbind her inhibitions.
“And then he became angry with me.” She remembered he’d never raised a hand or a voice. Unlike Papa with Mama and for far less important causes. “I suppose I should say, disappointed. In my heart, I knew. I could feel his disdain. Hear it, although his smiles seemed kind. He threw himself into his work, and I was bound to continue it, for better or worse. All of it, and everything in between. And I wasn’t barren, at all. At least, I don’t think so. I never got the chance to see otherwise.”
Malina took her hand. “Oh, dear Lila, what a blasted shame. There is nothing wrong with you. I have learned the ways of the world. The ways of men.” She turned purple, looked away. “I have learned their anger upon a woman stems from their own inabilities to...carry out their desire. You did nothing wrong, Lila, but remain his loving and dedicated wife. You see...the night I was injured.” Her face closed again and Lila’s heart broke anew at the lost child.
“It is all right, Malina. No need...”
“Yes, there is. You helped save me. I need to tell you this. I was—I was too soon upon the birth to...work in the usual way, but I needed to earn my keep. So the Red Creek taught me other ways of…uh…stimulation upon a man’s needs. Well, my—customer that night was...unable. And he took his vengeance out on me. Likely, it’s a woman’s cross to bear, guilt and pain when a man isn’t the man he wants to be. Whether it’s his body or his brain.” Malina sat up enough to pull Lila close.
Stunned, Lila hugged back. “You think...the problem was Emmett’s? But he was a young, virile man. Yes, he had a limp from his war wounds, but otherwise, a man of health.”