Just deep inside. But she didn’t say that.
“That’s why we were a perfect pair, Emmett and me.” She almost choked. “Me a teacher, he a preacher. Emmett always said when we courted. But not in the way of me taking on a schoolhouse. Few ’marms are married. In Emmett’s plan, I would teach simple Bible lessons to womenfolk, and to the children. Lead needlework societies so the needy would have clothing. I had a fine voice in the Hanover choir. So I could sing. I’d not preach or sermonize, of course, but teaching, sewing, singing. He thought those things were allowable. We made a good start here, so he...he made me promise to keep on.” She stared at the black square that made a window on the world in daylight.
“For how long?”
“Until Gethsemane is in good hands again.” She wondered if Emmett’d be pleased at how much she’d accomplished in her two years. Or, as usual, if he’d find her efforts in need of improvement and insist she remain here forever.
Bronx took her chin in his warm hand and gazed into her eyes. Oh, the touch. She could barely breathe. “Then what, Lila? What about your kin? Don’t you miss ’em? Even if...they disowned you—” Bronx cleared his throat—“didn’t your husband preach forgiveness? More than that, what about you?”
She swallowed hard and looked away from his midnight eyes, fearful he’d see things he shouldn’t. Emmett had insisted on her complete dedication to him and his cause, no matter any price she had to pay. It was a wife’s duty to obey. But she couldn’t quite yet tell a stranger, albeit they were friends and had kissed, she didn’t much miss her past life. Mama had tried to raise a daughter who stood on her own two feet. Guilt swam in Lila’s blood. She’d let her mama down, too.
“Well, have you forgiven your brother for leaving you?” she asked, instead. “You were but a child.”
“Fifteen. No toddling thing with a runny nose. I was big and strong. I disobeyed his plans. I should have stayed the course.” Bronx’s voice drifted sadly away, and she took his hand. As any friend might. For a brief lovely moment, their fingers brushed together.
“And that’s why you want to find him, now?”
“Yep. To see the man he’s become. And maybe follow in his footsteps, for a change.” Bronx’s face tightened for a quick moment, like he’d followed in somebody else’s footsteps and shouldn’t have. “And well, he’s the only kin I got.”
His tone saddened her. Did she have any kin left that wanted her? Regret all but bludgeoned Lila now. In five years, she had realized Emmett’s way wasn’t the only way.
She caught her breath and sighed away the past. “‘Follow in his footsteps.’ Why is that so important?” She mused. “My younger brother makes furniture, just like our father and older brother. Emmett followed Absalom. His brother. A preacher of much importance in their hometown. Cahoots, Texas, I think. He came to our wedding to stand up for Emmett. A big lump of a man. Huge brood of children. Wife with a nose as sharp as her tongue.” She laughed, soft but real, and Bronx joined in to ease the moment.
Without thinking, she leaned into his shoulder. “Oh. Emmett was so handsome, so charming. I felt fortunate.” Lila had to chuckle at the memories. Life had been so perfect for that brief space of time, and upon meeting the dreadful Absalom and his wife, more perfect yet. She had swum in gratitude and good fortune on her wedding day for the perfect husband she had obtained.
Bronx’s fingers tightened around hers.
“Oh, Bronx, we did have happiness. I promise you.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“I have to believe that, or I will have wasted five years.”
“Five years.” He repeated as if it might be a significant space of time. “Yep, we do reap what we sow. But I’m thinking we can always do better next time around.”
“Why, Bronx, you sound quite the philosopher.”
Laughter rumbled deep in his chest. “Me? Never. I barely got through a year in the school house. I was truant and troublesome. So Miz Edith taught me every night after supper. She was a tough taskmaster, let me tell you.”
She smiled, even though he couldn’t hear. “I can almost see you as a naughty little boy causing a ’marm endless grief. I like your words, though. About next time around. I believe Emmett asked Absalom to take over. But I never heard from him, either.”
Bronx hissed out between his teeth. “A true brother shouldn’t have ignored your grief. All of it must bring you pain, now. Widowhood so young is a hard burden to bear. Why were you crying?” He ran a finger down each cheek. Separate. Slow. Even with his calluses, his touch was the tenderest she’d ever received.
How could she say it was his kiss, and the possibility that she was a whole woman after all? “I was…” She gazed into his dark, inscrutable stare. “Maybe I might be able to put down that burden. With help.”
Oh. Mama had told her women must be bold, but...