“Oh my gods,” I gagged. “Everything hurts. Everything hurts.”
“I’m coming after your man,” Gary told Ryan. “You best watch your back. When Gary sets his eyes on something, Gary gets what he wants.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said. “You know what? I’m not too worried about that this time around.”
“Because you’ve already accepted the inevitable?”
“Sure,” Ryan said, rubbing a hand on my back in a slow circle. “Let’s go with that.”
“I’m bigger than he is,” Kevin grumbled. “And I mean everywhere.”
“Hey!” I snapped. “It’s not about the size, but what you do with it. Trust me, Gary’s not even gonna remember your name by the time I get done plowing him like a—holy gods, what am I even saying?”
“Maybe a little worried.” Ryan frowned.
“Someone’s getting a piece of wizard tonight!” Gary crowed gleefully.
“I want some wizard too,” Tiggy said with a pout.
“We can share,” Gary told him.
“Over my dead body,” Ryan said. “You do realize I have a sword, right? I will motherfuc—”
“No cussing!” I admonished him. “You’re a godsdamned knight, for fuck’s sake. Act like one!”
“—mothercracking stab you if you try and get up in his business.”
Get up in his business, Gary mouthed to Tiggy, looking bewildered. Tiggy just shrugged. I felt a little tingly myself.
And of course, since we were distracted by Gary and his threats of spraying me in primary colors, we didn’t see the guards standing at the gates to Mashallaha until one of them coughed.
We all turned to glare at them.
They took a step back, eyes wide, muttering to each other in the gypsy tongue. I was hit with a little pang at the thought of my mother, how much it sounded like her. She would have grown up in this place, and left it all behind to be with my father in the slums. She gave up a life in paradise to be with the one she loved. Gods, that was romantic as all hell.
“Sorry,” I said, putting on my most winsome smile. “We were… distracted.”
“Distracted by my dick,” Gary muttered.
I elbowed him in the throat, ignoring the way he started choking like a drama queen. “We have come from the City of Lockes,” I said. “I am—”
“We know who you are,” the guard on the right said.
“We know why you’ve come,” the guard on the left said, and it was only then that I realized they were twins, with beautiful dark skin, black hair pulled back tightly in a bun. They wore thin pants cinched at the ankles and brightly colored open vests with nothing underneath, showing off lean muscle on hairless torsos covered in tattoos. They carried spears in their hands, but they weren’t pointed at us. Their dark eyes were trained on me.
“She is expecting you,” Right said.
“We are all expecting you,” Left said.
They bowed in unison.
“Creepy,” Gary singsonged under his breath. “Do you think they make out at all? I’d be down with that.”
“That’s… good,” I said to the twins, a little taken aback. “I am glad you’re—”
They stood back up, ignoring me completely, looking up at Kevin instead. “Lord Dragon,” Left said. “It is an honor to be standing in your glorious presence.”
Everyone but Kevin groaned.
“No,” I said. “You can’t say that to him. You don’t know what you’ll unleash—”
“Lord Dragon, you say?” Kevin said, cocking his head. “Lord Dragon. Well now. This is certainly… expected. It has been far too long since I have been addressed as such.”
Left and Right turned to glare at me.
“What?” I asked. “I didn’t do anything. He’s not a lord—”
“Don’t listen to the plebian,” Kevin said, affecting an air of superiority. Like an asshole. “He shan’t know what he spaketh of. Thou shalt listen to me: Lord Dragon. The Beast from the East. Thy and they may calleth me his majestic majesty, King of all dragons…. Kevin.”
“That’s a terrible name,” I whispered to Gary.
“He’s a terrible dragon,” Gary whispered back.
“I like it,” Tiggy said. “Lord Tiggy, King of Brooms and Happy. Capitalized.”
“It must be true now,” Ryan said. “Because that’s how that works. I know this because I’m a part of the group and fit in and belong.”
“He tries so hard,” Gary said fondly. “Too bad he fails more often than not.”
“I do not!”
“Yes, your majestic majesty, king of all dragons, Kevin,” Left said. “A most wonderful title. It… rolls right off the tongue.”
“Yes,” Kevin said, “it does. Things often roll right off my tongue. Like words. And bodily fluids from twins—”
“And that’s probably something we shouldn’t be talking about,” I said quickly. “Because certainly a lord of your status wouldn’t be so crass in front of people we don’t even know.”
Left and Right glared at me again.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Interrupting a dragon is a terrible thing to do,” Left said.
“When a dragon speaks, his words are pearls of wisdom that must be collected,” Right said.
“Have you ever heard a dragon speak?” I asked.
“No,” they said.
“Wow. Then I am super sorry for raining on that parade, because—”
“I have pearls of wisdom,” Kevin interrupted.
“Really,” I said, dubious. “You do. You.”
“Yes. I have them all the time!”
“Then by all means. Let’s hear one right now.”
Right and Left looked like they were about to swoon.
“Fine,” Kevin said. He sat back on his haunches and cleared his throat. “Everything shiny leadeth to distraction. Distractions leadeth to sin. Giveth the Lord Dragon your shinies and I shall relieve you of your sins. So spaketh the Lord Dragon, as handsome as he is benevolent.”
“Ooh,” Left and Right said.
I face-palmed.
This was the worst adventure ever.
IT TURNED out that pretty much everyone was enamored by the sight of Kevin, openly staring at him in awe as he walked through the city, the pathways creaking dangerously underneath his weight. They were indifferent toward Tiggy, much to his delight, and dismissive of Gary, much to his righteous anger.
But toward Ryan and me?
You would have thought we’d come to rob their women and pillage their men with the looks we were getting. For every person that squealed at the sight of the dragon, there was another person who looked like they were getting ready to junk-punch Ryan or me, or possibly even both of us at the same time. It wasn’t something I was used to, this open hostility. While by no means universally beloved, I thought at least I had the will of the people at my back. And certainly, the dashing and immaculate Ryan Foxheart did, no matter where he went. Aside from that display by my archnemesis Lady Tina DeSilva and the protesters, we usually were respected, for the most part.
Except, apparently, in Mashallaha.
It wasn’t until we’d gotten halfway through the city and I’d seen a man physically hold back a woman before she threw a clay vase at my head that I had to ask.