“Spoils surprise,” Vadoma said. “Very bad. Vadoma doesn’t like spoiling surprises.”
“Crazy lady sacrifice Josh-pop?” Tiggy asked Gary.
“It seems like,” Gary said, sounding impressed. “And she can pull off a shoulderless dress at her age? Sign me up for that shit right the fuck now. Gypsy queen who can sacrifice people when she wants to? That’s what I was born for.”
“I smash crazy lady?” Tiggy asked.
“If you do, make sure you don’t get blood on the clothes. You know how hard it is for me to find good vintage these days. Also, we’ll want to ensure that I’m installed somehow as the new figurehead. Queen Gary the Magnificent. No. Queen Gary the Supreme Magnificent.”
“I smash crazy lady,” Tiggy said, taking a step forward.
“I don’t know if that’s the best course of action,” Morgan said mildly.
Tiggy pouted. I could see Morgan struggling against that look to give the go-ahead to smash my grandmother. Greater men than anyone in this room had fallen to the power of Tiggy’s pout. But somehow, Morgan was able to withstand it.
The King stood from his throne and bowed toward Vadoma. “It is an honor.”
Vadoma said, “Of course it is. I am here, am I not?”
He didn’t even blink at that. “So you are. Though I must admit to being a bit mystified as to the reason for this visit.”
“You would be,” Vadoma said.
“How many of your people am I to be expecting in the City of Lockes?”
She snorted. “Just me and the boy.”
The King frowned. “I didn’t expect the phuro to travel without an entourage.”
She ignored his unspoken question. “Is that your son?”
“Yes,” the King said. “Prince—”
“Stand up,” Vadoma said to Justin.
Justin did.
“Hmm,” Vadoma said. “You’ll do.”
“For what?” Justin asked, sounding annoyed.
“You may sit back down,” Vadoma said. “I am done with you now.”
Justin scowled at her but did as he was told. Which honestly shocked the hell out of me, so much so that I still hadn’t been able to find my voice to say a single thing. I thought maybe that was a good thing and hoped that if I didn’t speak, she wouldn’t know that I was here and then would go back to the desert and not say anything about my eyebrows.
She moved on. “You there. Gigantic man. What is your name?”
Tiggy pointed at himself before looking around to see if there were any other gigantic men around him. “Me?”
“Yes, you. Speak now.”
“I Tiggy.”
“Tiggy.”
“Yes?”
“I like you,” Vadoma said. “You may live.”
Tiggy looked pleased and confused.
Vadoma turned to Gary.
“My Gypsy Queen,” Gary said, bowing low. “I am Gary the Supreme Magnificent. But you can just call me Gary. It is truly a blessing to be in—”
“I don’t like you at all,” Vadoma said.
Gary stood up from his bow slowly, eyes narrowing. “I’m sorry?”
“You’re a unicorn, yes?”
“Yes?”
“Is that a question? You either are or aren’t. Make up your mind.”
“Yes. I am a unicorn.”
“Then I don’t like you,” Vadoma said.
“But—”
“No talking! Vadoma has no time for magical talking unicorns.”
The air started to sparkle around Gary.
“That’s never a good sign,” Kevin said. “Dear, maybe you should just calm down a little bit? You know how things turn out when you feel stabby.”
“Calm down?” Gary said dangerously. “Calm down? Oh, it is on now. Does Gary have to bring the motherfucking pain up in here?”
“Bah,” Vadoma said. “Useless creatures with your prancing and your fluffy tails. Dragon. You there. Dragon!”
“Me?” Kevin said. “Please don’t say anything that could damage my self-esteem. I am very softhearted, and I would hate to cry in front of you.”
“How long you been able to talk?” Vadoma asked.
Kevin looked confused, or as much as a dragon with his head shoved through a window could look confused. “I’ve always been able to talk. I do have a tongue, you know. Granted, I don’t use my tongue for just talking. Sometimes I use it for—”
“How long have you been able to talk so that others understand you?”
Kevin said, “Oh. Since Sam showed up at my keep and forced me to come along with him and leave my horde behind. He was really rather militant about it. All like, Dragon, you must leave your invaluable treasure behind because me and my tight little ass and whiny voice are telling you to do. I’m Sam of Wilds. I tell people to do things and expect them to do it because I’m a bossy fucking twink.”
“That’s not what happened!”
“Close enough,” Gary said.
“I’m actually going to agree with Gary on that one,” Justin said.
“Betrayer!” I gasped. “After everything I’ve done for you!”
“And what is it exactly you’ve done for me?”
“Well, there was that… um. Hold on. I’ll think of something. Aha! There was that time that I—wait. No. That was a tree.”
Everyone turned to stare at me.
And if there is one thing that can be counted on, it’s that when I become the center of attention, I tend to make things awkward.
“I didn’t do it,” I blurted out.
Morgan face-palmed. I didn’t blame him.
“What didn’t you do?” Vadoma asked.
I swallowed thickly. “Whatever it is you think I did?”
“Good job in landing that one,” Gary said to Ryan. “All your choices have led you to this moment. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?”
“I make good choices,” Ryan said. He glanced at me. “Mostly.”
“Hmm,” Vadoma said.
Which, obviously, I didn’t know what to do with. Because when one hmms, one could be saying a multitude of things. For example: Hmm: You are so cool, Sam.
Hmm: I had high hopes for meeting you. All of which have been exceeded.
Hmm: Your dimples are adorable and I don’t think your eyebrows are bushy.
Hmm: I am going to murder your face and then bathe in your blood as part of a gypsy ritual where I ask a goddess to damn you for all eternity while I curse everyone you love. Oh, and by the way, your eyebrows are terrible, and you are neither as adorable nor as quick-witted as you think you are. Most people hate you. Like I do. I hate you so much.
“What does that even mean?” I demanded of Vadoma.
“A little high-strung, isn’t he?” Vadoma asked.
“Yes,” everyone else in the room said.
Which, you know. Fuck them all.
“See if I get you guys any presents for your birthdays ever again,” I muttered.
“Sam, last year you painted me a picture of, and I quote, an accurate representation of what our friendship means to me,” Gary said.
“Which was fantastic,” I retorted. “Because everyone knows that homemade gifts are better than anything you can buy at the store.”
“It looked like you had murdered defenseless animals on a blank canvas.”