We each place one of our hands on the glass, whisper the words of power that divide the glass stand into two parts, and capture each other’s replicas. And then we begin our performance.
I study my replica of Alex, want a way to show him how much he’s come to mean to me. And then, I remember our conversation from weeks ago, in the hall, when he was still working for McEvoy and I was just starting my secret venture with Gunn. When he conjured that little brass compass in his hand and told me that we all needed one, to keep us going in the right direction, and to prevent us from getting lost.
I touch his replica’s forehead, and a gold cursive N appears over Alex’s skin. I move to the left shoulder of his tux, etch a gold W into it, and then move across his broad shoulders and paint the other side with an E. I draw a loopy S right into the center of his chest, and then a line from the N to the S, a needle, which wavers from side to side. I take a step back, admire my work, the truth of it pricking my eyes. Alex. Alex has become my compass, right along with Ruby and Ben. In an indulgent flash, I try to imagine what the two of them would think of him. Ruby would be head over heels, that much is certain. Ben might keep Alex at arm’s distance at first, but I think he’d fall in love with him too.
Alex interrupts my thoughts by beginning his manipulation on the other side of the glass. The crowd exchanges whispers, nods, leans in to admire his magic. I take a few steps to the left side of the glass stand, watching Alex work, his hand moving quickly as he sketches over the canvas of my replica. He looks up and finds me. We switch places to judge the other’s magic.
Staring back at me on his side of the glass is myself, of course. But over my black lacy dress, there now rests above my left bosom a gold, glistening heart. The four chambers glow and sparkle as the dim lights of the show space reflect off the replica.
Joan Kendrick. With a literal heart of gold.
The way he sees me is as sad as it is empowering.
The audience gives knowing, almost tender sighs. But tonight, our double-sided trick feels less of a performance for them, and more of a conversation between the two of us. We keep running the trick, until the clock hanging above the doors chimes nine. And by the time I settle next to Alex on the right side of the show space, and Grace begins to pinch out the lights for our Magical Dawn finale, I’ve already made my choice.
“That manipulation I pulled earlier? It was real for me,” I say softly to him. “You are my compass in this place.”
He stops looking at the ceiling and meets my eyes. “It was beautiful, Joan. I remember our conversation so many nights ago, in the hall.” He runs his fingers along my palm. “You’ve become mine, too.”
I want to be the girl with the heart of gold. I want to be the girl who deserves to be loved as much as she wants to love. I want to hold on to Alex, despite what happens, no matter what Gunn wants or expects.
“This place can be tough, and lonely, Alex, despite how packed it is each night. And it sure as hell was a tough road to get here.” I watch Ral and Billy start to fade the textured darkness, slowly kneading the space above the audience’s heads, like they’re scrubbing it against a washboard and washing all the color out. “Last night, when I told you what happened back in Parsonage that brought me here?” I look at him. “It felt freeing, Alex. You do that for me. You make me feel light . . . and yet somehow you still anchor me to the person I want to be.”
Alex takes my hand. “I feel the same way about you, Joan.”
“This place is so tricky. Everyone’s out for themselves, no one trusts anyone. I even feel it from the troupe. But I trust you. I want you to trust me.” I give a little laugh. “I don’t know what I’d do in this place without you.”
Trust him. Protect him. Give him all of it. “Gunn wants me to tell you that there’s a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.” I drop my voice. “But it’s not a rehearsal. There’s going to be a demonstration of our finale, along with a new product Gunn’s been working on. He doesn’t want any of the troupe knowing, thinks it could get out, back to McEvoy or the street.”
“A demonstration?”
“Of a new shine. And it’s a game changer, Alex, it’s going to light this world on fire.” I look at him. “I’m telling you because I trust you. And because the audience is D Street. And I think you need to know that before you walk in there.” I watch his face become creased with worry, but he keeps his mouth shut. “I couldn’t believe it either when I heard from Gunn, but it’s true. And I know your complicated past with them, but Gunn doesn’t miss a trick. If he thinks you’ve got a problem with them, he’ll take care of it.” He’ll take care of you. I look away, hoping Alex has become as fluent in the vague threats of this world as I have. “So show Gunn, tomorrow and going forward, that you’re completely in this. That you’re willing to do whatever it takes. He’ll respect that.”