“I should like us to be friends, Emmeline. And I should like you to know that you do have my sympathy in the matter, really you do.”
As kind as his words were, Emmeline knew that she did not want sympathy. Sympathy felt like pity, and every time somebody looked at her with either of those emotions in their eyes, she felt diminished by it. She felt small and humiliated, so much so that she wished people would not care at all. She wished people would stop asking her if she was quite well; it was almost as if they expected her tears and were disappointed when they did not see any.
Not that Emmeline had not cried tears aplenty because she had. But she had weathered the very worst of it publicly and without breaking down, and she had determined that having managed such a thing, she would not let herself down by grieving in front of anybody for the love she had lost. Any grieving she did, she would do alone.
That evening at Ashton House had been almost the worst of her life, beaten only by the heartbreak when her father had died. Of course, her father’s passing caused only great sadness, whereas the betrayal meted out upon her by her love and her dearest friend, was not only sad but humiliating.
And worse still, her much-adored younger sister had suffered almost as she had, but had the added disadvantage of her lesser age and experience in the world. Poor Rose had cried, even though she had hidden it as best she could.
“Please, do not cry, Rose,” Emmeline had said to her as she quickly searched in her small drawstring purse for a handkerchief.
“I am sorry, Sister, I cannot help it. I cannot bear this, I think I hate him, really I do.” Rose was torn between great embarrassment, fear, and the greatest upset for her sister.
“You must not feel that way on my account, Rose. There will be plenty of time later for us to work our way through what it is we truly feel, each of us, but for now, we have this evening to deal with. We cannot let ourselves down, and we cannot let Mama down.”
“But we need to go. I want to leave now,” Rose said, and Emmeline could see that her sister was working herself up into the most dreadful state.
“Please, there are enough people looking over at us as it is. I cannot bear to be firm with you, Rose, but I must beg that you try to control yourself. I do not wish to give them further cause for gossip, for I think that I have given them cause enough, do you not?” Emmeline knew that her tone was stern, but she was trying to control her own emotions and could not have borne another moment of her younger sister’s breakdown.
“Yes, of course. I shall turn away for a moment and dry my eyes if you will give me that handkerchief.” Rose spoke in a very much more adult tone, and Emmeline had felt suddenly proud of her.
“You are so good, Rose. Really you are. And I am most terribly sorry for this. I would not have put you through this for the world, my dear, you must believe me.”
“It is not your doing, Emmeline,” Rose said sadly, although she turned away gracefully to dab at her eyes before turning back and smiling as best she could. “It is Christopher and that evil little girl.”
“Yes, my dearest friend has served me very ill indeed, has she not? But I do not think I can speak of it a moment longer. My dear Rose, I feel myself to be hanging on by a thread, and every time I look around me, I meet the eyes of yet another curious ghoul.”
“They are all ghouls, and I despise them,” Rose said defiantly, the colour in her pale cheeks still high.
“Let us talk of something else.” Emmeline’s throat felt tight and painful with raw emotion and the panic of having to remain dignified at all costs. “Tell me, what do you think of the musicians? I think them very talented.”
“I think them very good,” Rose said although it was clear to Emmeline that her sister had not listened to the music at all.
“Perhaps we ought to help ourselves to some food from the buffet, my dear,” Emmeline went on.
“I do not think I could eat a thing. I do not think I could swallow.” Rose turned frightened eyes on her.
“We need not eat any of it. Perhaps we just need the distraction of movement. If we go to the buffet tables, we shall be acting in a normal manner. It might stop people staring so, for they would be bored. After all, they are all just waiting for me to cry or to run, are they not?”
“They are, and they should feel eternal shame for their behaviour, really they should.”
“But I think they will not.” Emmeline tried to smile at her. “They are enjoying themselves too much for that.”
“You seem so very calm, Emmeline, but I cannot believe that is how you feel.”
“In truth, Rose, I want nothing more than to turn and run from this room. I want to flee to our carriage and throw myself down on the seat and weep for all the awful things which have happened this evening. Tell me, do you see Christopher anywhere?” Although she could not bear to look around herself, Emmeline wanted to know if he was concerned at all. She wanted to know that he at least cared enough to regard her and wonder how she would make it through the rest of the evening.
“He still stands with his back to us, as does Clara. They are side-by-side, and they are talking with his parents and a few well-wishers. What a coward,” Rose hissed angrily.
“Indeed, he is a coward. That he could not tell me before, could not tell me to my face, makes him a coward, does it not? Really, that he found it easier to have his father announce the thing in public, really …” Emmeline could not speak any more for fear that she would cry.
“Because he knew you could not cause a scene of any kind. If he and Clara had told you themselves, they would have had to face the consequences of your words and your anguish. They would have had to face their own shame for what they have done, and yet now, now that they have relied upon Christopher’s father to do the whole thing, they have escaped unharmed.”
“Perhaps not entirely. After all, there was more than one person here tonight shocked by what they heard.” Emmeline tried to be reasonable.
“Shocked, yes, but they will not shun them. They have all enjoyed themselves this evening and will be easily folded afterward into thinking that there was nothing between the two of you anymore. They will have all their news from Christopher since none of them would dare come to speak to you themselves.”
“Oh dear, I think the whole awful thing is beginning to sink in. I mean really sink in. I feel quite hot and nauseous all of a sudden,” Emmeline said and looked at her sister with a pale face.
“Then we must get some food, as you first suggested.
“I do not think I could eat. In truth, I am sorry that I suggested it in the first place.”