“Dear God.” Joan shakes her head.
“She was scared,” I say in a whisper as a new understanding of the past washes over me. “She was too scared to trust you. That was it, wasn’t it? Oh, Steff . . .”
“We should have known,” Joan says, heartbreak in her voice. “Damn, we should have known. But she was so adamant, so headstrong and sure. Very polite about not wanting to be adopted, but very clear. While we wanted to respect her choice, we tried to convince her. We did everything we could, but—”
I jump in. “But you cannot convince Steffi of anything she doesn’t want. And she never wants to feel dependent on anyone else. She can’t.” I know this all too well. I should have known this would extend to Cal and Joan.
Cal nods. “Yes. Allison, we loved her then, and we love her now. We think of her as our daughter.” His face crumples. “She will always, always be our daughter.”
I step forward. “I see that. I believe you.”
Crushed. I am crushed, because now there is yet another layer of tragedy to Steffi’s illness.
CHAPTER 29
TO THE GOODNIGHT MOON AND BACK
The nurses, Rebecca and Jamie, are sweet. Very sweet. They’ve clearly done this before. So, they do what they can to prepare me before I walk into the room. I hear something about how thin Steffi is, about her coloring being off. About machines and beeps and monitors. About it only being a question of hours. When I press them, Rebecca answers. She’s seen enough patients to know, and her guess is soon. Four to ten hours.
Esben waits in the hall, seated on a hard chair. “I’ll be here as long as you need me.”
I know he will, and it’s the only comfort I have.
Cal and Joan are with him. I’m not sure how to tell Steffi that they are here, but I suppose I’ll figure it out.
Jamie pushes open the door and walks me in. “I’ll be right outside if you need me,” she says softly.
“Allison!” Steffi’s volume and joy shock and terrify me.
She is sitting up in bed, surrounded by wrappers. The room smells strongly of burgers and fries.
It’s all I can do to guard her from my reaction, because the girl before me looks so drastically different from the one who appeared outside my dorm last fall. She is very, very thin, her skin tone near ashen. Her formerly full blond hair is flattened against her head, stringy and limp. I see bags under her eyes where there were never any.
Everything about her looks totally wrong, and yet it’s equally easy to see my best friend. She will always be Steffi, no matter the circumstances.
“Get over here!” She beckons. “God, I can’t believe you made it. You’ve had a crazy day, huh?”
It’s the middle of the night, yet she’s wide-awake and wired.
“A little bit.” I try to sound like a normal human being. “But anything for you.”
“I knew you could do it!”
I cross the small private room and lean over to hug her. Seeing how weak Steffi looks is hard to swallow, and I’m hesitant to hold her too tightly. However, she grabs me with more strength than I’d anticipated, and so I respond. It feels so wonderful to hold her after all these months, especially when I didn’t think I would ever again.
She pats my back repeatedly until I sit in the chair by the bed. “Now, tell me everything. Tell me about you. And you and Esben.”
She makes it hard not to smile, because her enthusiasm is so elevated, and it is so very Steffi to want to talk about me when she’s the one in crisis. “What do you want to know?”
Steffi raises an eyebrow in the way that only she can, with a crazy high arch and leering eyes. “Has it happened?”
“What?”
“Have you slept with him?” She says this so loudly that I turn to see if anyone outside the room has heard. Jamie is trying not to laugh.
“Well . . .”
“I’m on limited time, kiddo. Spill.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And . . . it’s awesome. He’s awesome.”
“Esben is as cool as I first thought, right?” she says happily. “I was right about him, wasn’t I?”
“You were. Very, very right.”
For over an hour, she makes me tell her everything that’s gone down. So, I update her about Esben and school and Simon. About Simon’s care packages, about what’s going on with Carmen, Kerry, Jason, and Danny. I tell her much about my new world that she hasn’t heard and that I wish she were a part of, could be a part of.
I’m having a hard time keeping my breathing even. Something about having a seemingly routine conversation makes being here all the more frightening. I glance at Jamie, and she gives me a reassuring nod. I should just let this happen; that’s what she’s telling me.
“Oh, the bracelet!” Steffi says. “Lemme see!” She grabs my hand and gasps. “It’s gorgeous. He did so good. He’s here, right? Where is he?” She looks over my shoulder. “I know I look like crap, but hello? Hospital. He won’t care, right? Also, you haven’t commented on my shirt. Simon’s doing, of course. Somehow he got this to me today.”
I hadn’t noticed, but now I look down and smile. She’s wearing a red shirt with a Wonder Woman logo on the front. It’s perfect.
“They let me change out of that freakin’ hideous hospital gown. Or hospice gown, if we’re being technical. Because that’s basically what this is. How depressing, right?”
I don’t know how to answer her. How to do any of this. But Steffi keeps talking, so I’m given another moment to pull myself together.
“So, really, where’s Esben? I want to see all the videos and pictures he took. Why hasn’t he posted more? I’ve been following everything online. Dude, that limo situation was insane! I can’t believe it. Any of it. The only reason I looked away from the Internet was to chow down. You’ll try In-N-Out tomorrow, right? Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“Where’s Esben?” she asks yet again. “I want to see more.”
Her excitement makes me laugh. “I’ll get him.”
“Yes!”
It’s with caution and nerves that I walk to the door. “Esben? Steffi wants you to come in. To see what other pictures and video you have.”
“She does?” He’s as taken aback as I am. “Okay. Yeah. Of course.”
He follows me into the room, and I see Steffi’s eyes fixate on him. She’s silent now, waiting until he has pulled up a chair beside me. Steffi leans back against the mattress and looks at him. “Esben,” she says softly and reaches out.
“Steffi.” He takes her hand.
“It’s good to see you.” She’s quieter now, calmer. “Show me. Show me pictures from today. I want to see . . .” Steffi takes a few shallow breaths that alarm me. “. . . everything. And you have to post it all. This is my moment, right?” She cracks a smile.
“Sure. Whatever you want.”