He shakes his head. “I’m not sure I believe that anymore.”
“Did you not see how many of those dogs got adopted? Have you forgotten about the message you got from Faith and how freakin’ thrilled she is? How the shelter got flooded with so many applications, not to mention donations from all over the country, that they could barely keep up?”
“That’s true,” he admits.
“And Cassie’s mom messaged you just last week to thank you for the thousandth time,” Kerry points out.
I push his laptop in front of him. “Have you checked in with Christian, the boy you danced with? You should. I bet he’s doing really well, and it’ll make you feel better.”
He hesitates, but then cracks a smile when I lift his hands and plunk them onto the keyboard. “Okay, okay. Maybe you’re right.”
“While you do that,” Kerry starts, “maybe Allison will feed me some of Simon’s gourmet food? It’s past lunchtime, and I’m starving.”
She raises her eyebrows and rubs her hands together with such pretend greed that I have to laugh.
“Of course.” I rub Esben’s shoulder and then scoot off the bed. “This week,” I announce formally, “we have marinated artichoke hearts, three kinds of olives, rosemary crackers, mousse paté, roasted red pepper dip, and Sweety Drop peppers. Simon has gone all appetizer crazy, it seems.”
Kerry clasps her hands to her chest. “Oh, I so love him!”
I feel ridiculous setting out this fancy slew of food while in a dingy dorm room, but Kerry is delighted and eating up everything.
We are halfway through the paté when Esben explodes in the next room.
“Goddamn it! Goddamn it!”
Both of us freeze.
“That’s it! Screw it! I’m done!” he shouts with more anger than I’ve ever heard from him.
“Baby Blue? What is it?” Kerry tries to stay calm.
He appears in the doorway, his open laptop in one hand. “You wanted me to check on Christian? I’m so glad I did, because now I know that it will always be one step forward and an infinite number back.”
“What? What happened?” I ask.
Esben looks near tears. “The post we put up? All the people cheering for him and throwing out support? That meant nothing. Because there were two people who didn’t support him. At all. His parents, who claimed they had no idea at all that he is gay. And they find it so disgusting and intolerable that they kicked him out of the house. Totally cut him off in every sense.” The laptop shakes in his hand. “He’s staying with friends most nights now, but he’s also slept in a park a bunch of times, and he’s trying to figure out what to do next year without a college fund and if it’s too late to try for financial aid.”
“Oh God,” I say under my breath.
“He had no idea his parents would react like this. None.” Without warning, Esben hurls his laptop against the wall, and Kerry and I both flinch sharply. “Who does that, huh? To anyone, not to mention their kid? What freaking year is it that anyone would do that? Tell me! This is my fault. This is my fault. I should never have approached him. If I’d left him alone, he’d still have a family.” He’s frantic now, his voice growing louder with every word. “Who knows what other damage I’ve done? Those dogs? For all I know, they’re off living with people who beat them or don’t feed them! There’s no way to protect or help anyone. Not without repercussions. Never.” He’s pacing the floor. “I’m out. I’m done. I’m going to shut it all down. Close my accounts, delete everything. Screw it. Know what, Allison? You were probably right. People can’t be trusted. They suck. I mean, when it comes down to it, by and large? People suck.”
“That’s enough,” Kerry says sharply.
“It’s true!” he shouts. “Nothing I do will disprove that. And nothing will reverse time, will it, Kerry? For you, for anyone else. There is no way to make up for anyone’s past.”
“No one expects you to reverse time, Esben.” Kerry speaks softly but with a confidence that I’ve learned is genuine. “That’s impossible. And no one is asking that of you. You have made my life so much better, and you’ve helped me heal in immeasurable ways. You know that. Come on, you know that!” she says adamantly.
It’s obvious that he isn’t listening to her. “I’m probably just adding to the problem,” he whips out. “Creating a place for people to spew their hatred and ignorance. God, that ultimately ends up as the heart of what I do, doesn’t it? I offer up opportunities for the masses to crap on any moment of hope or positivity or love, right? I can’t win at their game.”
“Don’t say that, please.” I stand up. “You cannot lose sight of the thousands of people who have been moved and uplifted. Those are the voices who scream the loudest. Look at me! Look what you’ve done for me. Look how you’ve changed me and made me stronger and more alive than I’ve ever been.”
He tries to soften his demeanor. “You’re different, Allison. You are different. That’s one-on-one. That’s because of what’s between you and me, and because you’re such a wonderful person. Online? With the hordes of followers? Totally different.”
Before I can get to him, he throws open the door and leaves.
“Should I go after him?” I ask Kerry.
“No. It’s okay. I’ll go. I think I can calm him down.” She pauses by the open door. “And, Allison? Don’t listen to what he said. Even I know that people are mostly good. My brother is just passionate, that’s all. And passion has its upsides as well as its downsides. It . . .” She taps her hand on the open door. “It evokes tremendous generosity and tremendous hurt. Esben is in the hurt right now. It’s a momentary price to pay when his payoffs are so big. Give me a few, okay? He’ll be fine. This is not the first time he’s exploded over this stuff, and it won’t be the last.”
His laptop is on the floor, and I pick it up to see how badly he’s damaged it. When I grab the base, the screen falls off at the hinges, and glass shards spill onto the floor. After I’ve gone over the carpet at least four times with the dorm vacuum, I put away the food that Kerry and I’d been eating. Then I sit on the ugly orange couch and wait.
And wait. For much longer than I would have thought.
I miss Simon. Maybe I should catch a ride with Esben and Kerry and go see Simon this week after all. I allow myself to be distracted by these thoughts because I am so discomforted and unsettled by everything else going on. I hate that the boy I love so deeply is in the midst of a clear crisis.
Forty-five minutes after they left my room, Esben and Kerry return, with Esben looking much more together. My body sheds its tension.