The sound of his chuckle dances in the night. “Thank you, I guess?”
I walk a bit more and then glance back at him. “You do give to the poor, too, in a way.”
The short walk is silent, and I can feel his eyes on me as I fuss for my key. My movements are clumsy, and it takes a stupidly long time for me to retrieve the key.
“Found it!” I yell in celebration. I undo the lock, pull open the door, and halt. I’m not sure how to say good night. My fatigue and emotional confusion and the leftover effects of alcohol are weighing me down and making it hard to be socially smart. So, I just stand there, with my back to him, and debate what to say.
“Allison?”
Slowly, I turn and lean my weight against the open door. “Yeah?”
Esben is standing with a good distance between us. He really did stay twenty feet away from me as he walked me home. “I’m glad you came by.”
“Okay.”
“I am.” He tucks his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. Light from one of the lampposts casts a glow over him. “I’ll see you Monday?”
“Okay.” I start to turn inside, but then I stop myself. “Esben? I’m glad I came by, too.”
I go downstairs to my room. Steffi is wearing my robe and emerging from the second bedroom, her hair messed up.
“Well, there you are! Did you let him have it?” she asks.
I squint at her. “What are you doing?” Then I look past her and see a blanket tossed on the bed. “Oh my God. Did you have sex next to care-package Jenga?”
She makes a mock shocked face. “How dare you suggest anything of the sort.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Okay, fine, yes!” she squeals and begins jumping up and down. “And it was superfun!”
“And how was it?” I ask with a laugh. “Details, please, my dear.”
“More important than my sexual prowess, though, is what happened with you?”
I stumble in my place a bit, fatigue taking over. I’m not sure how much longer I can stand. I’m crashing hard in more ways than one. “I just want to go to bed. So sorry. Can we just go to bed?”
She comes over and holds my face in her hands while she examines me. “You look wiped. Yes. And you’ll tell me everything tomorrow. But it was okay?” she asks gently.
I nod. “Yeah. It was okay.” A yawn overtakes me, and I feel crazy needy and helpless all of a sudden. “Will you sleep with me like we used to?”
“Of course.”
When Steffi and I lived together, we shared a room, and I used to crawl into her bed. It made me feel safer, less alone. I need that now.
She is part sister, part best friend, part mother, and tonight, when we crawl into bed together, she lets me snuggle into the crook of her arm, as she has done so many nights before.
Steffi smooths out my hair as I begin to drift off. “I’m glad it was okay,” she says quietly. “That’s a good start.”
CHAPTER 11
BRAVERY
We both sleep until after noon, and I’m disoriented when I wake. This is the latest I’ve slept in ages, and I’m surprisingly not very hungover. Even more surprisingly, I seem to have gotten the best sleep I’ve had in ages, and I feel deeply rested. My brain is a scrambled mess from last night, but I’m rested.
Steffi and I spend the day in our pajamas, and while she paints my toenails deep burgundy, I hear details of her evening with plaid-shirt boy that both make me blush and make me happy for her. I ask to hear about her classes and her cramped studio apartment that she loves and about the taco truck that parks on her street every Tuesday, and she answers all of my questions. I give her a lot of credit for giving me space today, because not once does she ask about Esben.
When the sky begins to darken, I am finally ready. Casually, I say, “So, it turns out that Esben is not a terrible person.”
“Oh?” Steff is rooting through my closet and trying hard not to frown at my unfashionable clothing.
“I watched the video.”
“Did you?” She takes a red top off the hanger and holds it against her torso and assesses herself in the mirror. “This is actually cute.”
I laugh. “You can stop pretending that you don’t want to know what happened with Esben.”
She flings the top at me playfully. “Well, thank God!” Steff jumps on the bed and crashes down to a sitting position. “Tell me. Tell me!”
So, I do. Every detail that I can remember, although I do leave out the part when I set my hand on his face. And the part when he put his hand on mine . . . I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.
Steffi leans back against the headboard and hugs a pillow while she listens. “So, he’s really not a monster. Who knew?”
I roll my eyes. “You knew!”
“Fine, yes. But you had to see with your own eyes.” She looks at me directly. “Allison? He’s as perfect as they come. He is.”
I don’t know what to say to this.
“Look, I doubt people as much as you do, but Esben is not like most people. Even I can see that.”
I nod.
“You don’t need to keep pushing him away. He’s not a threat.”
“Maybe.”
“Might be nice for you to have a friend.”
“I have you.”
“Allison, of course you have me.” She reaches for her shoes. “But Esben is special. You know how you and I are exceptions? Esben is, too. Just a thought.” She stands and throws on a coat.
“Are you going somewhere?” I ask.
“Chinese food. Last night’s fling recommended a place a block away. I’m starving, so I’ll go pick up dinner. We need at least five orders of fried dumplings.”
“I’ll come with you.” I start to get up, but she stops me.
“My dear, I love you, but you need a shower. You reek.”
“Well, thanks. You don’t smell so hot either.”
“I smell like sexy sex. But I’ll shower after dinner. I’ve got an early flight, so I’m going to have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive to Boston. No drinking tonight. Or not much drinking. We’re cutting ourselves off by eleven. Midnight, let’s say midnight.”
“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m drinking after last night. I don’t need to do anything else idiotic.”
“You need to redefine idiotic.” Steff swings open the door to the hall. “Back soon, smelly girl.”
She is right. I do stink, so I strip down and put on my robe. The women’s bathroom is crowded this evening, with girls primping for Saturday night parties. Carmen is leaning into a mirror and applying lipstick. Here hair is shorter now and colored a light purple that’s very pretty. I walk past her, then think twice and decide to make eye contact in the mirror.
“Hi, Carmen.”
She stands up straight. “Oh, hi, Allison.” I don’t blame her for looking tentative.
“Are you going out tonight?” I ask. “You look nice.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I have a date. Or sort of a date.” She smiles a little. “Meeting him at a party.”
“Cool. Have fun.”