I glanced at my watch. “I have an early shift tomorrow…” I lied.
Amy nodded. “Right. Sorry.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, I don’t really know how to say this…”
“You’re getting married,” I said.
I could see the confirmation on her apologetic face before she uttered a word.
She nodded. “We’re getting married.”
Thump. Thump thump thump.
Laughing, shouting, the clink of forks on plates. Someone dropped a glass and it shattered and everyone cheered. The press of the room closed in on me, but I managed to smile in a way that I thought looked authentic.
“Congratulations,” I said. “Have you set a date?”
She looked at Jeremiah, and he smiled at her. “We’re thinking July,” he said.
I nodded. “Good. It’s a good month. Well, I look forward to being there.” I was amazed at how stoic I sounded.
Amy licked her lips. “We, um…we haven’t told anyone else yet. We thought you should be the first to know.”
“Thank you,” I said. “But that wasn’t necessary. I’m sure everyone will be thrilled.” I looked at my watch again. “It’s a little loud for me in here. I think I’m going to get going. Congratulations. And let me know if I can help in any way.”
They looked at me gratefully. I don’t know what they expected. Maybe they thought despite the graceful way I’d handled everything else up to this point that this might be the thing that pushed me over the edge. But I was fully committed to maintaining my position on this. Being difficult and indignant wouldn’t change it. And they didn’t mean to hurt me.
Even if they did.
I got up and tried my best to walk at a normal speed out of the bar. The thumps chased me, each one like a gunshot to my heels.
I felt myself just outpace the wave of anxiety as I burst into the cool April air and leaned forward on my knees, gasping for breath on the sidewalk.
So it was finally happening. The woman I loved had moved on. She was marrying someone else.
And the someone else was my brother.
The next day I was on the hospital floor, in between patients, when my cell phone rang. It was my older sister Jewel. I stared at the incoming call with a resigned sense of dread.
I was going to deal with the shock wave of this news in layers. My own feelings about it, and then everyone else’s, dumped on me like ice water over and over until I was drenched in it.
I slipped into a supply closet and hit the Answer button.
“Jewel.”
“It’s total bullshit,” she said. “I’m not going, just so you know. Fuck them both.”
“Fuck them both!” her wife, Gwen, parroted from the background.
I rubbed my forehead tiredly. “Gwen, it’s fine.”
“It’s okay to not be fine, Jacob.” Mom’s voice.
“I’m not going either,” a fourth called out. My other older sister, Jill.
“Me either!” The youngest, Jane.
Amy and Jeremiah must have told my family together.
“Your father’s here,” Mom said.
“Jacob, I’m here if you want to talk,” Dad said from somewhere farther away than the women.
He’d probably been roped into this phone call. Dramatic declarations weren’t really his style.
“They’ve made their bed,” Jewel said. “No one from this family is going to be there.”
“I will be there. I’m happy for them,” I lied. “And I intend to fully support them,” I said honestly. “And I hope you will too.”
They gasped indignantly in unison. “How can you possibly be okay with this?” Jewel asked. “They started dating less than three months after you two broke up. It’s disgusting.”
“It’s fucked up, man.” Walter, Jill’s husband.
The whole gang. Perfect.
I sat on a box of toilet paper. “I’m really okay,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“You are not okay,” Gwen insisted. “They’re assholes! How can they expect you to be there? How can they expect any of us to be there?”
“I don’t think they expect anything,” I said wearily. “But you not supporting it isn’t going to change it. As long as they want me there, I’m going to the wedding. Even if you’re not.”
“Jacob,” Mom said carefully, “you have always been the diplomatic one. I love that about you, but you do not need to put yourself through this. It’s fine to set boundaries.”
“Mom, I’m really okay. I’m over it. I’ve moved on.”
“Moved on how?” Jewel said. “You haven’t gone on a single date since she left.”
Jill whispered in the background, “Maybe he’s finding himself. He doesn’t need to date to move on—”
“Yes, he does!” Jewel hissed. “If he’s not having sex with someone else, then he’s still obsessed with her—”
“We don’t know that he’s not having sex,” Mom said. “Just because he hasn’t brought anyone home doesn’t mean he’s not having intercourse—Jacob? While I think rediscovering your sexuality after a split can be wonderful for your self-esteem, risky sexual behavior is more common after a traumatic breakup. If you’re having intercourse, you are using protection, right? Now you know how I feel about coconut oil as a lubricant, it’s very healing for the vagina but it does cause condoms to break—”
“What about grape-seed oil?” Dad asked from somewhere far off. “Does that do the condom thing? I like the grape-seed oil. Silky.”
“Okay, can we not?” Jewel said.
“Your father and I are sexual beings,” Mom said. “Let’s not pretend like we don’t know how you kids got here.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I am in hell.
“Jacob, are you having sex with anyone?” Jill asked. “I feel like we should just clear this up.”
I threw up a hand. “You know what? Yes. I am.”
The lie was so out of nowhere it almost felt like someone else said it. And why had I said it? But then I knew why.
It was one of those falsehoods you told to make someone else feel better. Telling a dying man that everything was going to be okay when you knew it wasn’t. It was a sort of mercy. For all of them.
I think deep down my family wanted to be okay with this wedding. They loved Amy, and they loved Jeremiah. They were upset on principle and for my benefit, not because they hated either of them. They just hated how they thought it made me feel. It was obvious that as long as I was unattached, I was the jilted ex in need of their protection and indignation. Amy and I would never get back together, so what was the point? Why make this stand in my honor? I didn’t want it.
Amy and Jeremiah would get married with or without my family’s support. And they’d have kids, and those kids would be blameless. Even if the whole family shunned my brother and my ex for the rest of their lives, it wouldn’t change a thing. So if I had to tell a white lie to redirect the focus, that’s what I was going to do.
“You’re seeing someone?” Jill asked. “Who is she?”
“It’s just someone I work with,” I said, hoping they’d drop it.
“At Royaume?” Jewel asked. “Is that why you quit Memorial West?”
“Uh…”