I don’t write a lot of letters. My hand already hurts, so I’m going to have to take lots of breaks, but here we go.
First of all, if you think for one second that I can be flipped with cupcakes and handwritten apology letters, then you are absolutely correct. I accept all your apologies and explanations. I also would like to apologize. I have been awful to you.
Awful was underlined twice.
So, I know that you don’t know me, but I’m not usually like this. I know people always say stuff like that, but I’m serious. I’m not always like this. I’m not really the best version of myself these days. I know this isn’t an excuse, but I’ve been having a pretty crappy year, and it’s been wearing me down, and I think I took some of it out on you. That was really unfair and I’m sorry. Like, I don’t even want to eat the cupcake you gave me because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Nadia Cakes is too good for me right now. I’m going to put it in the freezer until I’m a person karmically worthy of cream cheese frosting.
I can’t believe I broke your phone. I will absolutely pay for it. Please let me know what I owe you. And I’m sorry for the way I misjudged you—but to be fair, Gibson was very unclear about the whole chief thing, so I sort of blame him for instigating this. But I am sorry. I feel terrible.
I’d like to make you a peace offering. I think you probably want what every introvert wants—to be invited, even though you won’t come. Grabbing drinks with everyone is probably not your idea of a good time, but whenever we go to Mafi’s, I’m going to invite you anyway. This is going to be my way of making this up to you. Know that you are welcome and wanted, and if you ever do decide to take me up on it, I will sit next to you at the bar and I won’t force you to make small talk with me and I won’t let drunk extroverts anywhere near you. This is my solemn vow. Zero drunk extroverts.
I felt my smile reach my eyes.
Please know that—okay, seriously? Do you write letters like this often? Because my hand HURTS.
Then there was a word scratched out. There were a lot of words scratched out, actually. I think she was struggling with the lack of a Delete button.
All right, back to it. I took a five-minute break to do hand stretches.
If any of my mistakes have brought you stress or unhappiness, please accept my deepest apologies.
Regards (I’ve always wanted to end a letter with regards—oh, and to get one where someone signs it yours truly and calls me “dearest.” It’s so Mr. Darcy),
Bri
P.S. I need to get actual paper. I think lines would have helped.
I smiled softly at the signature on the page.
I couldn’t explain the lift I felt in my chest. For the first time in weeks, the electric hum of my anxiety softened. I could actually feel the almost-constant flow of cortisol that I’d been dealing with shut off. I could breathe again.
Lieutenant Dan put his head in my lap and peered up at me like he sensed the shift in my mood.
I read the letter a second time. Then a third. Every time I read it, I felt myself getting lighter.
After the fourth time I read it, I pulled out paper and grabbed a pen.
Chapter 9
Briana
The day after I left my reply taped to Jacob’s locker, I found an envelope with my name on it stuck to the backside of the supply closet door.
Dearest Briana,
I laughed.
Thank you for your kind reply and for offering to repair the phone. I had insurance and the cost was minimal, so that won’t be necessary, though I appreciate the offer. I will however accept your invitation to be invited and never come. That sounds like an excellent time. I also enjoy not answering calls, not networking, never leaving the house, and hanging out with my dog.
I’m glad you were able to forgive me, and of course I forgive you as well. I understand what it’s like to go through a tough time and the strain that it takes on your mental health and patience. I think you were generous in your interactions with me, all things considered, and I look forward to continuing to work with you. I hope you’re not too hard on yourself over it and that you thaw and eat your cupcake.
I must return to my isolation now. I need twenty to twenty-two hours of alone time a day to function.
Sincerely,
Jacob
P.S. I’m only partly kidding.
I laughed. Then I read it again. I liked someone who could poke fun at himself.
An hour later, I left a yellow folded Post-it taped to his charting computer.
You have a dog? Can I pet it if I promise not to make direct eye contact with you or make small talk with you about the weather?
–Bri
An hour later there was a folded notepaper taped to my charting computer.
Dearest Briana,
Yes, you may pet my dog. But I should probably mention that Lieutenant Dan likes talking about the weather, so while you might not want to bring it up to me, maybe mention to him what a cold spring we’re having?
Do you have any pets? I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jacob
We got super busy after that and I didn’t have time to respond before I got off. I stopped at Target on the way home to get some nice paper and a better pen than the cheap Bic I’d been using, but I didn’t really like the selection, so I Googled and found a stationery place called Paper Waits Cards and drove there instead.
For his letters Jacob used really nice heavy paper and this linen-type envelope. It was very fancy and it kind of made me want to be fancy.
It was a nice diversion going into a store I’d never had a reason to go into. It felt like a mission or a scavenger hunt or something. It felt like I had a project that I was actually into.
I went with pink-lined paper that had vintage flowers in the corners. The package came with three prints: roses, lilacs, and daisies. That way I could write him three different letters and they’d all be on different paper.
Once I got what I needed I hurried home. Benny’s dialysis machine was getting delivered today.
It took me two hours to set it up and then a long training session with a dialysis nurse to make sure I knew how to use it. Then I had to hook Benny to it and get dinner going. I watched a movie with him while I monitored his vitals, so it was late by the time I sat down to write.
The writing was really relaxing. Cathartic.
I liked having something to do.
Chapter 10
Jacob
After I left the note on Briana’s computer there was nothing else for the day. The next morning, however, I found an envelope taped to my locker again. I slipped into an on-call room to read it.
She’d gotten new paper and envelopes. She said she didn’t write letters, which meant she probably got them just for this. The thought of her making that effort made me smile to myself.
Jacob,