“Don’t worry about me,” she says without looking back. “Worry about yourself.”
I go quiet, letting Mika disappear down the block without following after her. It hurts to have her think this way about me. If only she knew Sam and I have been reconnected, and I can speak to him again, she’d understand things are different now. I’m different. This is all my fault for not being there with Mika through any of this. I need to find a way to fix things between us. There’s only two months until graduation, and I can’t leave us this way. Especially after I made a promise to Sam. I don’t want to lose her, too.
* * *
k
* * *
It’s hard to focus at school. I keep thinking about how I should explain myself to Mika without lying to her. How can I show her I still care about Sam, when I have to keep things a secret? At lunch, I sit with Jay, Rachel, and Yuki at a table in the middle of the cafeteria. It’s teriyaki meatloaf day so everyone brings their own lunches. Jay cuts his fruit sandwich with a plastic knife to share with me. It’s almost too beautiful to eat, which is true about most of the food he brings. Rachel is looking over forms for the Asian Student Club they’re trying to start. She wants to host a movie screening by the end of the semester.
“We still need seven signatures,” Rachel tells us. She reaches into her bag and hands me a few flyers she made by hand. “Julie, do you think you can ask some of your friends to join us?”
“Oh—” I guess she doesn’t realize my only friends are sitting at this table. And the three of them have already signed up. I take the form anyway. “I suppose I can ask around.”
“Great!”
There’s some ruckus a few tables down from us. I look across the cafeteria. Liam and his friend are throwing fries at each other, while Taylor sits on top of the table with her hair tossed back. I notice Oliver is with them. After we hung out the other night, I thought he might at least come say hi. But he hasn’t spoken to me since. He doesn’t even bother to glance our way. It was the same thing from him yesterday. Maybe he doesn’t want to get caught associating with me in front of everyone. I actually thought things would be different between us.
Yuki notices me looking over. “Is something wrong, Julie?”
I turn back around. “No. Just some guys being loud.”
“Ignore them,” Jay whispers.
I nod and try to eat.
After a moment, Yuki says turns to me again. “We missed you last night. At the vigil.”
I look at her. “I didn’t know you guys were going.”
“A lot of people from school did,” Rachel says. “The street was filled up. Cars couldn’t drive through.”
I lower my gaze to the table, ashamed to hold eye contact. Because I should have been there, too.
“Sam’s family came as well,” Yuki says. “His mom asked about you.”
Sam’s mom. I look up again. “What did she ask?”
“She wanted to know if I heard from you,” Yuki tells me. “She wonders where you’ve been, that’s all. She said she hopes you might come over for dinner someday. It would mean a lot to her.”
My chest tightens. I haven’t spoken to Sam’s mom or his family since he died. I realize how terrible this is of me, especially after I think about how often I used to come over and have dinner with them. Sam said his mom always had a place set for me at the table just in case. Whenever she made Sam lunch for school, she made sure there was something for me, too. I thought she would hate me after I missed the funeral. After she noticed not a single flower was sent from me. And now the vigil, too. Shame washes over me, making me lose my appetite. What would Sam think of me if he knew this? If he knew I wasn’t the same person he fell in love with?
I can’t even look at my food. I push the tray away from me. “I know, I should have come last night. I should have showed up this time.”
Jay places a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“But it isn’t okay,” I say to the table. “Because I skipped all of it, everything you guys did for Sam. And now even Mika hates me for it.” I didn’t even mean to miss the vigil this time. After I got off the phone with Sam, I fell asleep at my desk, and had that strange dream, and the next thing I knew I was out looking for him. It’s easy to forget that everyone is mourning for Sam when I’ve been speaking to him every day. The worst part is I can’t even explain myself. I promised Sam I wouldn’t tell, because it might affect our connection, and I can’t risk that. My eyes start watering, and I don’t know what else to do. The others at the table are kind enough not to say anything else.
At the end of lunch, the three of them walk me to my next class. Before I head in, Yuki says something. “You know, maybe we can do something else for Sam. Something special to honor him by.”
“That’s a great idea,” Rachel says, nodding. “And we can bring Mika, too. The five of us, together.”
I think about this. Something special for Sam. To honor him by. “Like what?” I ask.