“Okay…” I manage to say.
I decide to go along with this, let his voice cover me like an umbrella, even though this can’t be real. I feel my mind slipping, and myself sinking deeper into the earth as I hang on to Sam’s voice like rope. Even though I don’t know where it’s coming from. I want this to be him, but it can’t be. It’s impossible. And then it hits me. “I’m dreaming…”
“This isn’t a dream,” Sam says, his voice filling the woods. “I promise.”
“Then how else are we talking?”
“The same way we always have. Through the phone, just like this.”
“But Sam … I still don’t—” I start.
“I know,” he goes on. “It’s a little different this time, but I promise to give you a better answer soon. But for right now, can’t we just enjoy this? This phone call, I mean. Getting to hear each other again. Let’s talk about something else. Anything you want. Like before.”
Before. I close my eyes again, and try to go back there. Before I lost him. Before any of this happened. Before everything was ruined. But when I open them again, I’m still here in the woods. And Sam is still a voice on the line.
“You still there?” he asks. His voice is so clear, I turn my head, expecting to see him.
It’s only me out here. A question comes to me. “Where are you?”
“Somewhere,” he answers vaguely.
“Where?” I ask again. I adjust the angle of the phone, listening for background noises on his end, but the rain drowns everything out.
“It’s hard to explain. I mean, I’m not entirely sure if I know myself. Sorry I don’t have all the answers. But none of that matters, okay? I’m here now. And you and me are connected again. You don’t know how much I missed you…”
I missed you, too. I missed you so much, Sam. But the words won’t come out. A part of me still thinks I’m dreaming. Maybe I’ve fallen through some rabbit hole and entered an alternate reality. Or maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. Whatever it is, I’m afraid that if our conversation ends, I will lose him again and never get my answer.
The rain continues. But the sky has reduced it to a soft drizzle.
“What’s that sound?” Sam asks, listening. “Is that rain? Julie, where are you?”
I glance around. For a moment, I forgot how I ended up here. “Somewhere outside.”
“What are you doing out there?”
“I don’t remember…”
“Are you near your home?”
“No … I—I’m not sure where I am.” I’m not really sure of anything at the moment.
“Are you lost?”
I think about this question. There are so many ways I could answer it. Instead, I close my eyes to shut out the rest of the world, focusing on Sam’s voice, trying to hold on to it for as long as I can.
“You should get out of the rain, Julie … Find someplace safe and dry, okay?” Sam says. “And as soon as you do, give me a call back.”
My heart jolts and I open my eyes.
“Wait!” My voice cracks. “Please don’t hang up!”
I’m not ready to lose him again.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” he says. “Get somewhere safe and call me back. As soon as you do, I’ll pick up. I promise.”
He’s made promises before that he didn’t keep. I want to refuse but I can’t seem to speak. I wish I could keep him on the line forever. But Sam repeats these words over and over until I start to believe them.
“As soon as you call me back … I’ll pick up.”
I can’t stay out here forever. I’m drenched and am beginning to lose the feeling in my hands. I need to get out of these woods, and out of the cold, before the sun goes down and I can’t find my way back.
I don’t remember how the call ended or what happened after. That part remains a blur in my mind like a missing page from a book. All I know is that I kept walking until I made it out of the woods and found the main road again.
* * *
It’s late evening by the time I reach town. I hurry along wet sidewalks, passing beneath store canopies to avoid the rain. The lights from the diner where I met Mika this morning are off, but the café down the street is still lit up. It is the only light on for blocks. I cross the street and make my way inside. Even at this hour, the place is half filled with students from the university, coupled together beneath Moroccan lamps. Raincoats hang over the backs of bar stools. Laptop screens illuminate blank faces. I make my way toward a table in the back without ordering anything. Once I settle down, I turn my chair away from the others and face the window. There are no mirrors in this café, so my pale reflection in the glass catches me by surprise.