“It’s fine. You should. I did a horrible thing. I thought it wouldn’t have any consequences, but it did, and I have to figure out how to live with that.” Her voice thickens. “I want you to know that I never would have done something like this if I didn’t feel so…hopeless. And helpless. The thing is, there are only two people in the world that I love with my whole heart and soul. That I’d kill for, or die for, or whatever qualifier you want to use.”
Autumn punches me in the arm again, but more gently this time. “One of them is this jerk. The other is my aunt Elena. And the way my aunt fell apart when she lost her job and her health at the same time—it broke my heart. Smashed it to pieces, basically. I didn’t even know I could still hurt like that. I thought my parents dying was the worst I could ever feel, but this—let me tell you, this was right up there.” She brushes angrily at her eyes. “I’m not saying that to make excuses. I just want you to understand.”
“God, yeah,” Cal says. “Of course.”
Ivy’s eyes are wide and glassy. “I understand.”
“Do you?” Autumn asks. It almost sounds like an accusation, and I’m about to ask her what she’s getting at when she adds, “Good. Because you need to know that the only way I can even start to put this right is to make sure that nobody else gets hurt. I’m going to do what Mateo asks because, like he said, I owe him. But I want you guys to promise me something. Not you,” she adds, cutting her eyes toward me. “I can’t trust you with this. But Cal and Ivy—if you get to a point where you need to explain what happened to keep yourselves or anyone else safe, don’t hold back on my account.” Autumn lifts her chin, her voice firm. “Don’t you dare let Mateo make you. Spill your guts and take me down. I mean it. I’m not going anywhere until the two of you promise me that.”
The silence in the van is deafening. I open my mouth to fill it, but Autumn shoves her palm in front of my face before I can. “You shut up, Mateo. I’m talking to them.”
Cal licks his lips. “Okay,” he says. “I promise.”
Ivy just nods, looking shell-shocked, until Autumn reaches over and shakes her shoulder. Not as hard as she’s been manhandling me, but enough to show she means business. “Say it,” she commands. “I need to hear you say it.”
“Yes.” Ivy gulps. She almost looks afraid, and I’d tell Autumn to dial it back if I weren’t so desperate to keep things moving.
“The words, Ivy,” Autumn presses. “Say the words.”
“I promise,” Ivy whispers. Then she swallows hard. “And I’m…I’m so sorry about everything that happened to your aunt.” Her eyes flick toward me. “Your mom.”
“It’s awful. But it doesn’t excuse what I did.” Autumn moves past me to unlock the van’s back door. “You guys better get going. Be careful.”
I feel like I should say something now—something deep and meaningful and true. Like, I don’t blame you for any of this. Or, If I didn’t agree with you on some level, I would’ve figured out a way to stop you. Or maybe, I’d die for you, too. But all I can manage, as I climb out of the van, is “Keep Ma away from here.”
“I will,” Autumn says.
The sun’s disorienting after the darkness of the van, and I squint as spots dance across my line of vision. “Cal, where’d you park the car again?” I ask.
“This way.” I turn toward his voice and feel a hand on my arm, but it’s smaller and lighter than his would be. I blink and Ivy’s face, drawn and tight, comes into focus.
“I need to tell you something,” she says.
MATEO
Ivy looks serious, but she’s serious about everything. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’m immune to bad news at this point.
“What’s up?” I ask, letting her guide me to Cal’s car. We climb in and he fires up his GPS again, though I don’t know why he’s bothering when he’ll probably just work his back-route magic to Carlton High.
“I…” Ivy glances at Cal as she settles herself into the passenger seat and turns to face me. “I feel like I should maybe tell you this privately, Mateo, but I don’t see us being alone anytime soon, and I don’t…I can’t not tell you, any longer.”
“Um, if this is a declaration of love, I’m happy for you,” Cal says as he starts the car. “But it’s going to get super awkward for me.”
I snort. “Eyes on the road, Cal. Nobody needs your commentary.” I expect Ivy to agree, maybe even laugh, but she just looks wretched. For the first time since she grabbed my arm, unease stirs in my gut.
“Fine,” Cal says. “Let me activate invisible mode so the two of you can discuss nothing of importance in private.” He mimes putting a shield over his head, like the giant nerd he is. I love the kid, but he should lay off the comics occasionally.
“You know you can still hear us if you’re invisible, right?” I ask.
“Can’t hear you! Invisible!” Cal says, and I can’t help but laugh.
Ivy doesn’t, though. She’s gone silent, so I prod, “I think that’s your cue.”