Josh finds some point in the middle distance to stare at. “In theory,” he finally says.
It’s completely expected and a little disappointing. Now she’s forced to imagine meeting Josh and his hypothetical…wife for dinner. A Lauren, probably. Smiling at their inside jokes—their own little language that Ari wouldn’t know. The two of them would have stupid, petty fights, followed by amazing make-up sex. Josh would make his wife whatever healthy dish she wanted for breakfast. They’d go grocery shopping at Fairway and buy organic produce while pushing a state-of-the-art Bluetooth-enabled baby stroller.
He would completely move on with his life, the way people do when they’re in relationships—when friends become people you squeeze into your schedule because your world revolves around your significant other. The idea of it makes her heart constrict—thinking of Josh as another person who’ll inevitably leave her behind.
“But I don’t think I’d propose in public, in front of a Fragonard. It’s a bit on the nose,” he adds, rising up from the bench, oblivious to her spiraling thoughts.
Ari breathes out and it’s like opening a relief valve from the conversation. She shakes her numb hands and winds a scarf around her neck, bristling against the cold, following Josh as he starts to walk south.
She catches up to him, nudging slightly. “Let’s stop at the halal cart for dinner.”
He stops in his tracks. There’s this funny, sheepish expression on his face that Ari hasn’t seen before. “Oh, I…have plans.”
“?‘Plans’?”
He looks up at the trees, avoiding eye contact. “The yoga instructor.”
“Oh.” Something in her chest burns but she manages to utter, “Yoga instructor pussy? I think I’m jealous.” Yeah, it’s definitely jealousy, but she can’t tell if it’s directed at Josh or his date.
“It’s just dinner.”
Is he grimacing or suppressing a smile? Her fist clenches around her phone.
“Wow. Straight to dinner. Not even vibe-check drinks first?” Ari takes a couple steps away from him. “This could be the first night of the rest of your life and I can barely handle the emotional intimacy of sexting.”
It comes out a touch more bitter than intended.
“I thought you were going to get back out there, too.”
“Totally.” She puts a little distance between them. “I definitely am.” What if his date goes well? “I’m— I should let you get home.” Ari gestures at nothing in particular, backing away. “I assume you’ll be changing into a different black outfit.”
What if he gets laid? Her stomach twists, considering that possibility. The fact that she even has nervous feelings about it at all intensifies the stomachache.
“I’ll call you after?” She’s far enough down the path that he has to shout it.
“Sounds great!” Ari yells back. Totally! Can’t wait to find out whether the yoga instructor spends the night!
She speed-walks toward Fifth Avenue, heading east when she’d meant to continue south. Ari glances behind her and he’s rubbing at the back of his neck. She’s never felt the need to escape a conversation with Josh before. Hadn’t she told him she was a “really great wingwoman”?
What if Josh and the yoga instructor have brunch the next morning and the date lasts into Monday, when they’ll both walk over to Crunch together for class at six a.m., where she’ll demonstrate (again) how flexible she is while easing her body into a series of Instagrammable #yogagoals poses?
Once she’s a safe distance away, with shin splints hobbling her right leg, Ari retrieves her phone from her bag. She’d been saving this move for a truly critical sex-life circumstance. A break-glass-in-case-of-emergency situation.
Apparently, this is that moment.
Ari updates each of her active dating profiles to single, seeking couples.
“Fuck it,” she murmurs, editing her username to include unicorn emojis for good measure.
If Josh can date someone, Ari can date two someones.
12
Sat, Dec 10, 8:47 p.m.
Josh: You said yoga classes were a great place to meet women.
Ari: they are.
All that flexibility and stamina and sweat…
Date not going well?
Josh: She’s not just a yoga instructor, she’s also trying to sell me microbiome superpowder.
Ari: so you’re saying she’s more employed than you are.
You should see my date
Dates
Josh: What?
Ari: Last minute thing with a couple I matched with
Josh: A couple?
Ari: He’s got a beard, she has a nose ring
They live in Red Hook
Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before
Josh: Dating one person is too much intimacy for you but two people is no problem?
Ari: they’re looking for a unicorn
they have each other for the intimacy stuff
I bet they’ll cuddle with each other afterward and won’t want me to spend the night
Jackpot!
I can’t believe this didn’t occur to me earlier
8:59 p.m.
Josh: Oh great. Her suggestion for a second date is a halotherapy salt room.
She says I need to cleanse my respiratory tract.
Ari: Is she into women?
Where are you btw
Josh: An oyster bar “partially owned by Zach Braff.”
She brought her own food.
Where are you?
Ari: Burp Castle
b/c apparently men need to prove that they enjoy obscure beer or it’s not a real date
Josh: I like that place. It’s quiet. You can bring a book.
Ari: you WOULD like a bar where the employees dress like monks and shush the customers
Cute bartender tho. He has the aura of a quieter Jason Mantzoukas
God. now there’s a great voice
9:07 p.m.
Josh: Her practice is rooted in a “mind-body-soul perspective.”
I need to leave.
Ari: Use your Plato material!
She’ll love it
Josh: You’re really going to sleep with a couple?
What if this affects their marriage?
Ari: they messaged ME!
Clearly you haven’t experienced an extra set of hands
9:16 p.m.
Ari: Oh no
Oh god
the guy’s real passion iS hOstINg TrivIA niGHtS
Josh: Fuck.
Ari: it just so happens he’s hosting trivia tonight
At the pub 3 blocks away
I’m being nonconned into attending trivia
9:37 p.m.
Ari: oh goddddd he thinks he’s funny. He’s doing bits
Why do people think this is a back door into stand-up? WHY
how does his wife put up with this???
Josh: Maybe he’s one of those men who go down on a woman for more than three minutes with the right amount of enthusiasm.
Ari: doubtful
9:41 p.m.
Ari: Did you know Rembrandt’s first name was Rembrandt??
Josh: Everybody knows that.
Ari: Rembrandt Rembrandt??
I went outside for a cigarette.
Josh: You don’t smoke.
Van Rijn. Rembrandt van Rijn.
Ari: I assumed he was like cher
ok i’m making a run for it
I’ve taken enough shit from men in actual comedy. I draw the line here
9:52 p.m.
Josh: Well, mine’s over.
Maybe seeing her in something other than Lululemon was off-putting.
10:02 p.m.
Josh: Want to meet up? Debrief?
10:12 p.m.
Josh: Hello?
Sun, Dec 11, 1:25 a.m.
Ari: sorry, phone died just coming back from Brooklyn
Josh: You went back to their apartment?
Ari: Nope. Went back to Burp Castle
Wound up at the bartender’s place with him and his wife
and uh…he does NOT whisper at home
1:29 a.m.
Josh: I thought you could “barely handle the emotional intimacy of sexting.”
Ari: We didn’t exactly bare our souls
Sun, Dec 12, 1:31 a.m.
Josh: I’ll meet one of your catfishing victims.
Briar: Excellent!
I’ll reopen communication with Maddie on Raya tomorrow morning.
It’ll seem less desperate.
She has New Year’s Eve potential!
* * *
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