“You won’t,” Jenny reassured him. “Dad’s not like that, unless he hooks up with a real loser. He may not have been around much, but he loves us a lot.” She was even more sure of that than her brother, who had listened to their mother say bad things about him for years and believed a lot of it. Zack realized now that many of the things Maureen said weren’t true. Their mother had her own issues with Mike, which Zack could see more clearly now. He could see too that their father was worthy of more respect than he’d been shown by Maureen, who had painted him black to his children for years.
Mike hadn’t told the kids yet, but he had informed Maureen that he had called his lawyer and started the ball rolling for their divorce. He had finally given up on their marriage, after too many years hoping it would change. He saw now that it couldn’t have. Too much had gone wrong for too long, and Maureen was never going to forgive him for his failures in their marriage. But with luck, their children would. Jenny had always been understanding and had her own problems with their mother. Zack was coming to it more slowly, but was on the right path, just from getting to know his father and living with him now. The apartment was small, but big enough for them, living like two bachelors, side by side, father and son. Mike let him have a beer from time to time, and they talked like two men sharing an apartment. Zack liked it when his father treated him like an adult. Maureen coddled and babied him, especially now with his injuries. He used to love it, but it got on his nerves now. He wanted to be treated like a man, even though he was only halfway there. Mike understood that and treated him accordingly. He had felt the same way at Zack’s age. He had thought he was an adult when he left for college. Zack had grown up a lot during his gap year in Europe, and Mike could see now the benefits it had offered Zack. He would have grown up much more slowly at home. And he had needed to get away from the constant war between his parents. Now the war was over. And in peacetime, they were thriving and growing. And Mike’s relationship with his kids was solid.
Spencer was having her own struggles with her sons. Ben was learning to read more slowly than Axel, and not doing as well in school, although he was a happy child. Axel worked harder in his studies with good results. He read easily, but he was quieter and more withdrawn. She thought the differences might be related to their being twins. The school called her, and wanted her to get an assessment of Ben’s abilities, and a psychological evaluation. There were occasional disciplinary problems with both boys, and the school counselor commented that both boys said they hardly ever saw their father, and they didn’t like his girlfriend. They had told the counselor that their mom worked all the time at her job, that she stayed late a lot of the time, and came home when they were already in bed. With some exaggeration, they said they only saw her on Sundays, even though she had dinner with them several times a week. She always tried to come home as early as she could, but problems often came up that she had to stay and handle, and she thought their Saturday nights and full days on Sunday compensated for it. The school counselor didn’t agree and sounded critical of her. Her comments went straight to Spencer’s heart, like a scalpel of guilt.
“What do other parents do who work?” Spencer said, irritated by the counselor’s supercilious attitude when she went to the school to see her. She felt slightly betrayed by her sons. “What about doctors or lawyers? What do they do? I try to have dinner with the boys every night I can, but sometimes it’s just not possible.” Sometimes she was at the store till eight, dealing with a crisis. And now, with her new Free Love project, she was out at least two nights a week till late, sometimes three.
The Free Love project was a startling success. It hadn’t fully solved the problem of homeless people camping out in front of the store, but had reduced it considerably, and even more importantly, the team was reaching out to a segment of the population who were getting too little help from government agencies and none from private citizens. They couldn’t cure the problem and stop homelessness, but they were making a difference at a grassroots level. But was Spencer sacrificing her sons for them? She didn’t want that to happen. It was hard to do everything she had to do and meet all her parental obligations too. Everywhere she turned, all the responsibilities were on her shoulders, with no one to share them, and now the twins were showing signs that she wasn’t adequately providing emotionally for them. She felt like a failure. It was hard to feel like a success on every front, and sometimes on any front at all. Some part of her life was always falling through the cracks, no matter how hard she tried. The boys were the most important part of her life, and that part needed to go smoothly and be tucked up first, not last. She felt like a terrible mother as she listened to the counselor explain just how she was failing her sons. It was hard to get it all right, although God knew she tried. But trying didn’t count if she didn’t get it right, and the boys weren’t getting what they needed from her. Francine, although superbly competent with meals and bath time, was just a nanny and not their mother. It sounded to Spencer as though she was getting a failing grade in mothering. And she always hated hearing people say they “did their best” if they got poor results. It was no excuse.
“Let’s talk about some counseling for both boys after we get the evaluation on Ben. Axel is doing well in school, although I’d like to see him more outgoing, and less dependent on his brother,” the counselor said. “Is there anything you can do about their seeing more of their father? That seems to be upsetting them too,” she went on imperiously. Clearly, she was a woman who felt she had never fallen short on any subject, and believed that she was perfect. The oracle from God. She made Spencer feel like an utter disaster, and deeply humiliated. She was getting low marks in the most important part of her life, her children.
“No, there really is nothing I can do about their father,” Spencer said, sounding exasperated. “I’ve tried. We got divorced when they were very young, and he’s never been very involved, nor very interested. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
“And there are no other male figures in their lives? Family, uncles, grandfathers?” Nope, blew it again, Spencer thought. She had no boyfriend, no brothers, no male role models for them.
“I’m afraid not. And I can’t trade them for a pair of girls.” She was annoyed at the counselor. “We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got.” It sounded like a lame excuse to Spencer.
“I’m sure you’re trying, Ms. Brooke. We just need to get better results. We’ll see what the evaluation says about how Ben is doing.” And then what? They fire her as a mother? What more could one do when one’s best was not enough? How did one ever give children all they needed, when life pulled you in a thousand directions all at once?
Spencer’s mother helped to reinforce Spencer’s sense of inadequacy. She pointed to everything she thought Spencer was doing wrong, and never to her successes. She thought that Spencer’s Free Love program was a ridiculous waste of time, money, and energy, and she couldn’t understand why Spencer would do it, since compassion for others and generosity to the less fortunate were not on her radar.