I force myself to swallow. “Please thank Athena for me,” I say.
While Finn finishes his sandwich, I tell him about a tutorial I saw online today on how to make a homemade mask from the cup of a bra.
Finn smiles, and I achieve my goal: to see his shoulders relax and the tension release. I was the one who made this happen, and that’s who Finn needs me to be.
If there’s one thing we are both good at in this relationship, it’s being predictable.
“I’ve been trying to remember getting sick,” I say. “I know you said you’d tell me anything I want to know. Did I have a headache, before things started getting bad, or—”
“Diana?” Finn cuts me off, rubbing his temples. “Can we … ?just … ?not?” He looks up at me, his eyes pleading. “It’s been a day.”
I abandon everything I was about to ask.
“How about a movie?” he says, realizing that he’s shut me down. He stands and yanks me into his arms and buries his face in the curve of my neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I comb my fingers through his hair. “I know,” I say.
We settle onto the couch and turn on the TV, looking for something completely escapist. Avengers: Endgame is on and we are quickly absorbed. Well, Finn is. I mostly pepper him with questions like why Captain Marvel can’t just use the gauntlet by herself. I do not realize at first that Finn is crying.
It’s the end of the movie, and Pepper Potts is bent over Tony Stark, who’s sacrificed himself to save the universe. She tells him they’re going to be okay, and Tony just looks at her, because he knows that’s not true, and she kisses him. You can rest now, she says.
Finn’s shoulders tremble and I pull away to look at him. He sinks forward, burying his face in his hands, trying to stifle his sobs. I do not think, in all the years I’ve known Finn, I have ever seen him fall apart like this. It is scary.
“Hey,” I say, touching his arm. “Finn, it’s okay.”
His hand shakes as he wipes it over his eyes. “They asked me to sign a DNR for you,” Finn says. “I didn’t know what to do. I came in and I sat with you and I told you that if you needed to go, it was okay.”
You can rest now.
Maybe, in my sedated haze, I heard him. Maybe I rested, then fought my way back to the land of the living. But Finn, he hasn’t had any time to rest.
He takes a shuddering breath and looks up at me sheepishly. “Sorry,” he murmurs.
I lay my palm on his cheek. “You don’t have to apologize.”
He grasps my hand and turns his face to kiss it. “I didn’t think this was going to happen quite like this,” he says under his breath, and then he looks me directly in the eye. “I knew I wanted to spend my life with you. The thing is, I didn’t really understand what that meant until yours nearly ended.” He ducks his head. “I had a whole plan for how to do this—but I don’t think I can wait—”
I rocket off the couch, yanking my hand from his. My fingers feel like ice. “I have to … ?use the bathroom,” I blurt out, and I stumble away from him, closing the door behind me. Inside, I run the faucet and I splash water on my face.
I know what Finn was about to do. It is a moment I’ve dreamed about. So why can’t I let it happen?
I am sweating and I am cold and shaking. I’ve known what I wanted for years. And now that it’s here—
Now that it’s here—
I’m not sure I’m ready.
I turn off the water and open the door. Finn is still on the couch, watching the television. His eyes are dry, and they track me as I sit down next to him. “What did I miss?” I ask, looking at the screen.
I can feel his stare on me. I think I hear him say, Okay.
There are topics, I guess, that neither of us is ready to talk about.
I settle myself under Finn’s arm and lean into him again. After a long moment, I feel his words whispered against the crown of my head. “Maybe you should talk to someone. Like … ?a shrink.”
I don’t look at him. “Maybe I should,” I say.
I focus on the television, as Tony Stark’s ashes are set adrift on a lake.
I know that you can’t run a marathon without training. And I can’t get to The Greens if I can barely make it to the end of the hallway. So the next day I gather all my courage and go for a walk. The streets are empty. I move deliberately and slowly to the end of the block, where there is a wine and liquor store around the corner.
To my surprise, it’s open. But then again, what business could be more essential?
When Finn comes home that night, I am nearly bouncing with excitement. “Guess what I did,” I say, as soon as he finishes stripping and showering. From behind me on the couch, I hold up a bottle of red wine. “I walked all the way to the liquor store. And now we get to celebrate.”
To my surprise, Finn doesn’t seem happy. “You what?”