My throat is completely dry, but I force the words out anyway. “He’s important to me, Dad. I’d like to bring him. We go to the same college, it is realistic, we like each other.”
He sighs and I feel it all the way in my bones. It’s like acid. “I’m sure your fling is very important and special, but I said no. Can I trust you to be there alone, Aurora? Yes or no?”
Fling. “Yes.”
“Good. I’ll see you in a few weeks. Bye.”
The call disconnects before I can say bye back and I sit in the same spot frozen, trying to process how my day was bulldozed by a three-minute phone call.
I don’t know what I thought would happen when I answered his call. I could have stopped talking at “you’re my daughter” and been blissfully unaware. I’d have spent the rest of the day floating around feeling untouchable. But I went too far, asked too much.
If I wasn’t so desperate for something I’m clearly never going to get, or if I grew up and stopped being pathetic about the fact he doesn’t care, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m being run over when I talk to him.
I need to get away from here and that’s the thing I repeat over and over as I somehow get myself from the picnic table to my cabin. Sitting down on my bed, I lean against the wall while I replay the conversation over and over in my head.
I think about what I said and how he responded, then what I could have said instead and how he might have responded to that. I keep going and going and going, until there’s an endless stream of dialogue spinning around my head and I can’t do anything to get the outcome I want.
The outcome where he changes and I feel like he wants me in his life for more than just media purposes.
My hands are shaking as I pull my suitcase from the wardrobe and open it on my bed. I love Honey Acres but pretending it’s my home when it’s not, is silly. Dad’s right, it’s all make believe. They’re just people who were paid to look after me and probably took pity on me.
I don’t know why I brought so many things with me knowing I’d hardly wear any of them. It’s just making it harder to get out of here quickly. I don’t know why I believed I’d last the summer. My shorts won’t fold. Jenna knew I wouldn’t deep down. No matter what angle I twist and turn them in they look messy and uneven in my suitcase. I wonder if Emilia thought I’d fail too. Russ is great at folding my clothes.
I could go to Bora Bora and turn off my cellphone.
I don’t even need a cellphone. Fuck, I might just throw it in the trash.
Why won’t these shorts fucking fold properly?
I need to tell someone to make sure Freya remembers to put on her bug spray and that Michael doesn’t eat anything with sugar after six p.m. I’ll miss the talent show, but Emilia can make it work without me. Everyone will be fine. Opening the drawer in my bedside table to empty it, I spot the origami dove Russ made for me next to my collection of friendship bracelets the kids have made for me.
I sink to the floor beside my bed as my chest constricts and years of hurt that I’ve buried beneath reckless actions and self-deprecating jokes finally soar to the surface as a sob. It’s like the dam breaks and I just let the tears fall because there’s nothing else to do and no one else who can fix it.
I’m not sure how long I’m sitting here before I hear his footsteps. “Ror?”
The cabin door opens and I can only imagine how chaotic it looks in here. Suits me though, I suppose. Russ sinks to the floor in front of me, immediately reaching for my face to wipe away the tears. “Going somewhere, Roberts?” he asks softly.
“I have to go. I need to leave.”
“Okay, let me pack my bag too. I’ll come with you.”
My breathing is coming out in an uneven pattern, my eyes begin to sting. “You can’t. You have to stay here. You need this job. And you need to make sure they pass the cabin inspection and check Sadia’s bunk for spiders. Xander doesn’t do it properly. I haven’t changed; I’ll just disappoint you, Russ. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
He crosses his legs and picks me up, nestling me in his lap. Everything about feeling him touching me makes me feel better. Kissing each my eyelids, then each of my cheeks, he kisses both of my ears and my breathing begins to fall into a rhythm with his.
“You could never disappoint me, Aurora, and you don’t need to be anybody but yourself. I know you’re hurting and I want to make it better, but if you want me to stay and check for spiders, you need to stay too because if you go, I go. We all need you and we all want you here.”
“My dad is getting married,” I whisper, almost choking on the words, “and he only wants me there for the magazine exclusive, so we don’t look like we’re a family at war.”
“Fuck your dad.” His hands cup my face as he leans back to look right at me. “You don’t have to let him keep burning you, sweetheart.”
My bottom lip wobbles. “I just want to be wanted.”
“You are. Let’s both stay. Let me show you how wanted you are.”
“I like who I am when I’m with you, but what if you leave too? Who am I going to be then?”
“Do you trust me?” he asks, still cupping my face gently.
Even with the tears still running down my face, I nod. I do trust him. I’m also scared.
“I’m not going anywhere, but you don’t need me, Aurora. You’re strong and sweet and funny. You’re smart and affectionate and you’re all those things without me. You don’t need anyone but yourself, but you can have me anyway. I worry I’m going to fuck this up, too, but we have to trust ourselves as much as we trust each other.”
“I can’t fold my shorts like you can.”
“Exactly,” he says, resting his forehead against mine. “So don’t go. Don’t run away from the place that makes you feel at home. From the family you chose.”
Russ’s lips meet mine, soft and gentle, like I might break if he’s too rough with me. His fingers dance up my spine and, notch by notch, the tension eases out of my body. I wrap my arms around his neck, sinking into him, rolling my hips against where we’re joined.
“Please show me how much you want me,” I whisper. “I need to replace all the bad feelings. You make me feel good.”
If I wasn’t so distracted by my crumbling life, I’d have more time to be impressed by how easily Russ stands from the floor with me around him. My suitcase crashes against the floor as he knocks it off the bed, lowering me carefully onto the mattress, climbing on top of me.
The weight of his body on mine does more to kill the anxiety rolling through me like waves than anything else. He tugs off his t-shirt and waits while I run my hands down his chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath my palms. Mine comes off next, followed by my shorts and his. There are layers of fabric between us, but the pressure of him between my legs makes goosebumps spread down my body.
He kisses my forehead. “I want everything about you, Aurora.” My nose is next. “I want your smiles.” Then my jaw. “Your laughs.” My collarbone. “I want the way you ramble when you’re nervous.” The top of my breast. “I want your big reactions and your little ones.” The center of my stomach. “I want to watch you get frustrated at origami but carry on anyway because it makes you so happy.” My naval. “I want to protect you from possums and sharks and, sometimes, when you need it, yourself.” Finally, my hipbone. “And I want to want you because you’re worth it, sweetheart. And you make me feel good too.”
He sits up when I do, letting me smash my mouth into his, pouring as much into it as I can. His hands grip my neck, keeping me in place.
And that’s when Jenna shouts my name from outside of my cabin.
And the door begins to open before I can shout wait.
Chapter Thirty-One
AURORA
There have been many times in my life when I’ve been caught doing something that I shouldn’t.