“But there was one final test.” I close my eyes and allow the memory of that gruesome night to unfurl. A wave of nausea hits me, so strong that for a moment I wonder if I’ll be able to get the words out. If I even should.
I breathe through it, forcing the sensation down. When I open my eyes again, my sisters’ faces are drained of blood. There’s no irritation left in Elena’s expression. Only dread.
“He raped her in front of me.”
Fabi’s moan is guttural, filled with raw pain and disbelief. Elena chokes and presses her palm to her lips.
“I barely remember that night—a small blessing. I think I disassociated. Somehow, I managed not to move a single muscle. I stood as still as a statue while our mother tried to be as quiet as possible so that her screams wouldn’t upset me.”
Fabi starts to cry, her entire body shaking.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Elena whispers.
“Because I couldn’t.” My voice is hoarse. “There were times when I’d do anything to forget what happened. I hope you never understand firsthand the depth of helplessness I felt while I watched him hurt her.”
Elena’s gaze flickers with emotions—revulsion, astonishment, regret. She stares at me like she’s seeing me for the first time. “This is why Mom always tells us to go easy on you. I never understood how she could defend you after what I thought you did.”
“Father broke both of us during those nights. I couldn’t look at Mamma without being reminded of how I failed her. She probably couldn’t look at me without feeling shame. Shame that wasn’t deserved, that wasn’t hers to own, but shame that she still carries to this day.”
I see it in her eyes when she talks to me. It’s a darkness that I don’t think will ever go away.
“Our father adored you.” Elena’s face is as colorless as a blank canvas. “He was proud of you.”
“Adored? No. He was proud of me. Once I passed his final test, I was finally a worthy heir in his eyes. It was his idea to make me a made man at thirteen. I went along with it because I realized it would help Mamma. With Father’s attention focused on training me, he ignored her. He even allowed her to move to the Hamptons with the two of you. But he never loved me the way a normal man loves his son. He didn’t love anyone. And he trained me to be the same.”
“I remember the day we left,” Elena says. “You didn’t seem to care that we were leaving.”
I peer into my glass. It’s nearly empty. “By then, I knew very well how to keep my feelings hidden.”
“So you never lost control of your emotions since?” Fabi asks quietly, her cheeks wet.
“Not for a long time. They were entombed deep inside. Locked away and forgotten. But someone found the key.”
Fabi sucks in a low breath. “Cleo.”
I nod. “I lost my mind when I thought she was in danger. It’s my fault Nero’s gone. I made so many mistakes in the time from when I got the call about her being kidnapped to when I was finally sure she was safe. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
Fabi shakes her head. “You did all that, and then you let her go? Why?”
“Because with her around, I can’t be the don I have to be.”
“And what kind of don is that? The same as our father?” Elena wipes away an errant tear with her sleeve. “God, Rafe. He was a fucking monster. I’ve spent more than a decade thinking you were cut from the same cloth as him, but now that you told us what really happened, I can see that I was wrong. You are not him. What he put you through as a child is deplorable, and even with all of his sick ‘training,’ you would never do the things he did to someone you’re supposed to love and protect.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t.”
“Then why are you still measuring yourself up to the ridiculous, fucked-up standard he set?”
Her words press down on me, branding themselves on my skin with a harsh burn. I’ve rejected many things about my father, but his lessons have stayed with me. I’ve allowed them to define me.
“Cleo compromises me.”
“How? Because she makes you feel emotions? Because she makes you give a shit about something other than strength and power?”
“Yes.”
“Then let yourself be compromised. Accept it. Work with it. Get stronger because of it. You know which man fights the hardest? The man who’s got something real to lose.”
I think back to Gino Ferraro. There was a time when his family was far weaker than ours, but in the past decade, they’ve managed to surpass us. Only now it dawns on me why that is. He’s got people he loves in his life. People he wants to protect.
“Our father tried to stomp out your humanity, but thankfully, he failed. He died without ever having lived, Rafe. Can’t you see it? Nothing he had was real.” She stands up and spreads her arms, gesturing at the lavish living room, at the house from which our father ran his kingdom. “This? This isn’t real. Our father thought he had everything, and yet, how did he die?”
“He died alone.” My sisters never came home to say goodbye to him and I didn’t force them. Mamma stayed at the Hamptons the entire time he was ill. He was cared for by nurses who hated his guts for speaking to them like they were subhuman.
Elena nods. “He died alone. Despite his millions, he was the poorest man I’d ever known.”
My sisters are right. Why would I continue down the path of a man I hated? He may have been the only teacher I’ve ever had, but I don’t have to keep his lessons with me any longer. I can choose my own path as don.
Elena studies me. “I’ll admit, I thought the marriage between you and Cleo was another soulless match, much like our parents’. But I’m starting to think otherwise.”
Fabi’s lips form a sad smile. “What you have with Cleo is real. Isn’t it?”
Slowly, I rake my fingers through my hair. I thought being with Cleo would end with me losing it all. But I was wrong.
I lost it all when I sent her away.
I love her. Fuck, I’m a fool.
I place my elbows on my knees and press my forehead into my palms. A moment later, the sofa dips. My sisters appear beside me, one on either side of me. For the first time I can remember, they wrap their arms around me and hold me tightly.
The ache in the back of my throat spreads through my chest. Slowly, hesitantly, I return their embrace. “I’ve made a terrible mistake, haven’t I?”
“You can fix it,” Elena says against my hair. “Go after her.”
Can I? Can I undo all the damage I caused when I was trying so hard to deny my own feelings that I showed no concern for her own?
Elena pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Tell her what you told us and allow yourself to feel all the pain that comes with that. Open up to her the way you finally opened up to us.”
I only wish I’d done it sooner instead of waiting for so long. My relationship with Elena and Fabi suffered terribly because I refused to be even a little vulnerable around them.
I squeeze Elena’s shoulder, grateful for her support. “I’m not sure it will be enough.”