If I hadn’t, would I always have wondered? Would a part of me always have been scared that Dion would never let me go, that he’d trap me the way my father always had? I’m ashamed to admit that it’s true.
Rationally, I always knew that he wasn’t like my father, but a small part of me still wondered if someday, there’d come a time I’d want to leave, and he wouldn’t let me. I’d tried not to, but I’d been scared that he’d want to control me for the rest of our lives, the way he did when he cut my father out of my life without even consulting me, or when he assigned me bodyguards without informing me. Knowing he did it because it was what’s best for me wasn’t enough to still my fears.
Someone bumps into me, and I gasp as my entire body swivels. I don’t even have a chance to snap at them before they brush past in their quest to get on a train that’s likely departing soon. I sigh as I take another step forward, only to pause when my eyes land on a small piano in the corner.
My heart soars, and I smile to myself as I walk toward it. Fifteen train stations, and I’d begun to think these only existed in movies. A shiver runs down my spine as I trace over the ivories that aren’t quite ivory. They’re worn from use, and no doubt, this little beauty won’t sound the way I’m used to, but somehow, this is a bigger dream come true than selling out a big venue.
I sit down, my touch reverent as I test out the sound. It needs tuning, but it’s not so bad. How long has it been since I last sat behind a piano? It’s been weeks, and I’ve missed it almost as much as I’ve missed Dion.
I begin to play absentmindedly, my eyes widening when I realize that I involuntarily chose a piece I’d composed with Dion’s help. It’s contemporary and far too modern compared to what I’d usually play, but it was ours.
I bite my lip as a deep regret surges within me. Weeks of chasing dreams, only to realize that the reality of us was better than my wildest fantasies. I never should’ve bought that cottage, and I never should’ve doubted Dion. I’d rather have lived with my fears for the rest of our lives than live a life he isn’t part of.
The last note rings, and I immediately delve into another piece, a classical one this time, Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata perfectly capturing my mood. Where do I begin to make this right? He told me he’s been running away from me for a reason, and I’m scared he didn’t just tell me that to push me away. I’m scared it’s true, and he’s better off without me.
The nightmares never stopped, and though he now smiles when he hears me play the piano, there are still moments when his gaze becomes unfocused, and painful memories steal him away from me. Am I enough to make that worth it? Can I heal him the way he healed me, if I have enough time? Do I deserve to be the woman standing by his side?
Weeks worth of soul searching, of trying to determine who I want to be, only to finally realize that all I want to be is his.
I’m snapped out of my thoughts by applause, and I blink in confusion when I notice the strangers that surround the piano. I rise from my seat and throw them a timid smile before rushing away, feeling empty inside.
Throughout our entire marriage, a small part of me wondered what my life would be like if I hadn’t married Dion. I’d known it was too late to rectify the past, but I’d wondered what it’d be like to control my own future.
Turns out, all of these experiences, all of these moments… they’re empty without someone to share them with.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Dion
I stare at my wife as she boards yet another shitty budget airline flight. She’s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, her long red hair flowing down her back and a beautiful flush on her face. She’s looks fucking radiant, free, happy. It kills me to see her this way, yet it brings me a hint of relief too.
If she hadn’t bought that cottage, would I ever have realized that at least a small part of her felt trapped in our marriage? Would I have realized that she feared me, that she didn’t trust me the way she wanted me to think she did?
“Look,” Lex says. “I love you. I really fucking do, but enough is enough. Last week you had Zane lug some ratty ass piano through a derelict Berlin train station, and now you’re making me fly this shitty ass plane?”
I throw him a glare as I join him in the cockpit. “Zane needed a distraction anyway, and I’m not convinced these planes are safe. I can’t be at ease unless you’re flying. Besides, this is a long-haul flight crossing a fucking ocean. I don’t trust it. I don’t understand why she couldn’t just have chosen a big airline with newer planes.”
His expression softens, and he nods as he takes his seat beside the co-pilot. Asking Lex for help meant having to admit to my fear of flying, but thankfully, he hasn’t made a big deal of it. Not yet, anyway. Lex lets me triple check all settings before takeoff, not saying a word throughout.
“Ready?” he asks eventually.
I shake my head. “No, but let’s get this shit over with. At least she’s finally headed back to the States. I can do with sleeping in my own bed for a few nights.”
He nods sharply, and I brace myself for what is bound to be a horrendous flight. I really wish she’d taken the Windsor private jet — I know it’s been offered to her multiple times. I’ll never understand her need for these dreadful cheap experiences, but fuck, if this is what’ll make her happy, I’ll do what I can to make it happen.
“How long are you going to keep this up?” Lex asks once we’re at forty thousand feet.
I shake my head and look out the window. “Until I’m ready to let her go.”
He laughs and looks at me over his shoulder. “You’ll never be ready to let Faye go,” he says, sounding amused. “So I guess you’ll keep this up until she comes back home.” He falls silent for a moment, his smile melting away. “I know you think she looks happy, but she doesn’t, Dion. Maybe you never noticed the way she lights up around you, but I do. I agree she deserved a proper choice given the way her shitty father controlled her for most of her life, and I’m incredibly proud of you for giving her that, but Dion… she isn’t happy. Neither are you.”
I run a hand through my hair and sigh. “Two people finding solace in each other can easily convince themselves that it’s happiness they feel, when in reality, it’s comfort mixed with lust, masquerading as love. I think she’s still trying to figure out how to be by herself, and that adjustment period might not be easy for her, but she’ll get there. Faye doesn’t need me to be happy. She doesn’t need anyone.”
“Maybe,” Lex says. “But maybe she wants you right there with her. Maybe the happiness she’s found by herself is heightened when she’s with you. I know you’re expecting the worst, but I think my sister-in-law will pleasantly surprise you.”
It’s near impossible to suppress the hope his words make me feel, and I force myself to look away. I know she hasn’t signed the papers yet, but I’m scared that’s what she’s coming back for. I’m terrified that a taste of freedom made her want to cut all ties with me. I couldn’t even blame her for it if I tried.
Every aspect of her life so far has been carefully orchestrated to suit my own — whether I had anything to do with that doesn’t matter. She’s given me her past, and I’m not entitled to her future. I want her to choose me, but I won’t stand in her way if she doesn’t.
As expected, this truly was a flight from hell, and by the time Lex begins to prepare for landing, my nerves are racked. Yet another thing that stands between us — one of the things she loves doing most involves me facing one of my biggest fears. For us, being together means having to prioritize each other over everything, every single day. It means sacrifice and compromise, and I can’t help but wish things could be easier, for us both. Despite it all, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d get on a thousand of these flights if she asked me to. She deserves that much, and more.
“Breathe,” Lex tells me when we hit the ground. “We just need to taxi to the gate now. Nearly there.”
I nod, feeling sick. I haven’t been able to rest for even a single moment. My thoughts won’t let me. I can’t help but wonder where she’ll go now that she’s back. Will she come back home, or will she go to her cottage? The first few days, she tried to contact me constantly, but now, the missed calls are few and far between. Even her text messages slowly started coming in less frequently, until they stopped entirely. I wanted her to have some time to herself, entirely independent of my influence, but I didn’t expect it to be so easy for her to get over me.
“Dion,” Lex says, his tone tense as we walk out into the arrival gate. My gaze roams over the people eagerly awaiting the passengers that were on our flight, only for my heart to sink when I see Eric standing there with a large bouquet of red roses.
I lean back around the corner, out of view, my gaze on him. I watch as she walks out and sees him, her expression lighting up the way it used to for me. She walks toward him, and I turn around to walk away.
Chapter Sixty-Five
Dion