Until he lifted his head and looked down. “Suze?”
No one had been close to me at all, and I’d been doing pretty well with my clothes, but I was definitely starting to show. I couldn’t close my jeans, so I turned them under and wore big peasant blouses. At home, I still wore the giant horrible dresses my dad insisted upon, and nothing showed beneath them.
Joel moved his hand to my belly. “Are you pregnant?”
To him, I couldn’t tell a lie. I nodded.
He closed his eyes, rested his forehead against mine. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I don’t know.” I hung my head. “I was scared.”
Joel pulled me into him, into a fierce hug. “I’m so sorry, Suze. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry—you must have been so worried.”
We both cried. Cried because we were sad and mad and had no power. And then we walked away from school and up to the house on the hill, where we stayed all day, eating snacks we picked up at the market and drinking soda and trying to figure out what to do. We tried to come up with a plan ourselves, but it was hard to know who would help and who would separate us again.
Of course the person who came to mind for both of us was Beryl. She would not betray us. She would help us figure out a plan. Tomorrow, we would go see her.
Then, both exhausted, we stretched out on the floor and turned to each other and made love gently. It was so holy I wept again, feeling something in me heal and unfurl. With Joel, I was safe and loved and whole.
It was the last time we were together. That very evening, my father saw me silhouetted against the light coming through the window in the church kitchen. He beat me so fiercely I thought I might die, and if I did the baby would die. When he’d worn himself out with the belt and his fists, he made me kneel and shaved my head.
I waited until he was in bed and walked my bruised and battered self to Amma’s house. Choking, knowing I didn’t have much time until my dad came for me, I asked to use the phone, and called Joel.
His mom answered. “You need to stay away from him,” she said, and hung up.
I would have respected it, but this was urgent. I called back, and before she could say anything, I said, “Please, my dad is going to send me away. I just want to talk to him one time.”
“He’s not here,” she said, and hung up.
That’s when I threw up blood and Beryl took me to the hospital.
Phoebe
I was swimming in our pool (maybe for the last time, because my dad said there was a buyer very interested) when my dad came to get me. “Phoebe, it’s Amma on the phone.”
“Can I just call her back?”
“No, honey, you need to take it.”
So I climbed out of the pool and wrapped myself in a beach towel and sat down with the phone by the back door. “Hello?”
“Phoebe, I have some bad news.”
“Did somebody die? Not Suze?” I covered my mouth, shaking before she even said the rest.
“No, she’s not dead, but her dad beat her up pretty bad. She’s in the hospital.”
Tears leaked out of my eyes. In a whisper, I asked, “Is she going to be okay?”
“That’s a hard question to answer. She’s in pretty bad shape both physically and emotionally, and she could probably use a good friend in her corner.”
“Can I come down there?”
“Her father isn’t letting anyone in to see her, and unfortunately he has a lot of people on his side.”
“How can he be in charge? Why didn’t they arrest him? That’s child abuse!”
“It absolutely is. But—” She struggled for control. I heard her clear her throat. “He isn’t going to be charged.”
Fiercely I said, “I hate him so much. It’s not fair.”
“It isn’t.” She paused again. “You should know he also shaved her head.”
“What?” I started to cry in earnest. “Why?”
“There’s no reason for a man like that to do what he does. But—” She paused and I thought it was odd, and my body thought it was even weirder because my heart squeezed really hard and I couldn’t quite catch my breath. “Did you know she was pregnant?”
My brain ran the scenes backward over the summer. I could answer honestly, “No.”
“Okay, then you need to let her tell you.”
“I really need to come see her.”
“No, that’s not a good idea. But I’ll see if I can get you a phone call. Her dad is not letting any of us get in there.”
“How did you know he beat her up?”
“She ran away to my house to get away from him.” And I heard something in her voice that was very, very rare—a dark, wild emotion, filled with nuances I didn’t quite get. Fury. Despair. “I got her to the hospital.”
“Amma! She’s my best friend in the whole world. I have to see her.”
“I know, Phoebe. And I know there’s been a lot on your plate this year, but you have to trust me. There will be a time you can be more help to her than you can now. If you write some letters, I’ll get them to her one way or another.”
“And a phone call! Please!”
“I’ll see what I can do, sweetheart. Now, let your dad give you some TLC and remember that you are a very strong person. You’re going to get through this season of darkness.”
“But will Suze?”
She hesitated. “I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure she does.”
“Good,” I said, and hung up the phone. My dad was there, hugging me, and I wished that Suze had just one person in her life like him.
But I guessed she did. Amma. And maybe me, if I was strong enough. I leaned into my dad and wept, worrying about her, and then I had an idea. “Dad, can I make another phone call? I want to call Joel.”
“Is that her boyfriend?”
For a long moment, I thought about it. And that was the first time I knew that they loved each other. I squished the knowledge down into a tiny knot of bitter jealousy. Choosing denial, I said, “Just her friend, but I want to make sure he knows what’s going on.”
I dialed the number I had for him, but it came back with an electronic voice. “The number you have dialed has been disconnected.”
But I saw him one more time.
CURRENT DAY
Chapter Twenty
Suze
Joel and I sleep tangled like kittens, both Yul Brynner and Maui finding their way onto the big bed with us at some point.
When I wake up, milky light is coming through the windows. Joel’s arm is flung around my waist, and his thighs shape themselves to the back of mine. I can feel the soft exhale of his breath against my neck, whispery and warm. My hand is curled around his, and Yul Brynner is purring on my pillow, and I don’t move a single muscle because I never want to leave this moment.
I breathe it in. Now. This. Joel. My body sore from making love all night, both of us greedy and going back to the well until we were shaking with weariness. We both fell, laughing, to the pillows in the end. “I remember a day,” he said.
“Oh, me too.” I brushed hair from his face. “Once upon a time when we were young.”
“I could never go back, be seventeen again. Could you?”
“No way. It was awful.”
He leaned in and kissed me, very gently. “You’re even more beautiful now.”
“That’s a lie, but thank you.”
“No, it’s not.” He brushed my crow’s-feet, the lines showing up around my chin that surprised me. “You have depth and wisdom now.”
“Well,” I said, “I don’t know about you having more depth and wisdom, but you are still absurdly hot.”
He laughed and pulled me to his shoulder and we crashed, both of us exhausted.
Now I can smell him, his hair and his skin, the faint lingering notes of aftershave he wore for me. I can feel him. I can hear his breath, a slight snore.
That stops. His hand tightens around my breast, and I feel his lips on my shoulder. “Good morning.”
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Are you having tea? I can try some tea.”
“No way, dude.” I turn to face him. “I’m going to make you some amazing coffee and we can drink it out on the deck looking at the ocean, just like we always said we would.”
He smiles. “Did you ever think for one single minute that you would actually live in this house?”