And never did.
It was the letter, his distraught appearance at my grandmother’s door, that confirmed what I’d suspected all along. He was in love with her. My guilt is as heavy as an anchor, and I shut the door on it quickly. It can’t help right now.
“He was one cruel motherfucker,” I say with feeling.
Suze laughs, and I feel justified in keeping my secrets for another day. “Those words out of your mouth! Oh my God.”
I glance at her, the wind catching her hair and tossing it in her eyes. The face that is as familiar to me as my own, and in that moment, I’m so glad she’s back. When she’s with me, I am freer to be myself.
The recognition blooms, a truth hidden beneath so many layers of time and resentment. Attempting lightness, I shrug. “You’re not the only one who can turn a phrase.” I call out, “Jasmine! Want to get ice cream?”
She whirls around and runs back to us like a platypus, hands flapping, knees kicking, a goofy expression on her face. I wish for her this perfect unselfconsciousness forever, but I know it won’t last. Instead, I wish for her to have people in her life with whom she can be her entire, whole self, like I was with Amma, the way I was sometimes with Suze.
A whisper creeps in. The way I am with Ben.
Too soon!
Jasmine runs in front of us, Maui chasing her, playfully trying to grab her ankles. I slow, my hands in my pockets, and confess, “This whole thing with Ben is scary.”
“Scary how?”
“He’s such a good friend, and I don’t want to mess that up, but oh, Lord.” I widen my eyes. “Last night was . . .” I shake my head, tell the truth. “The best sex I’ve ever had in my life.”
Suze laughs. Her eyes crinkle at the corners. “This is bad how?”
“I haven’t let myself feel so much in a long time. Like, what if it all falls apart and he breaks my heart and then I lose my friend as well as my lover and then I’m all alone again?” Tears fill my eyes, tears of wonder and fear and overwhelm.
She loops her arm through my elbow. “Listen, I mean this in the best possible way, Phoebe.”
I look at her.
“So what? So what if it ends? What if he dies? What if the world ends? What if? Would you really trade having this . . . joy . . . right now for some awful thing that might not even happen?”
“I know what you’re saying, but it’s not really that easy, is it?”
“It’s only harder if you insist. Don’t take things away from yourself before you even get to enjoy them.”
“I don’t do that.”
She raises her eyebrows. “Good. Then don’t.” She squeezes my arm. “Enjoy it! Jeez, Phoebe, you should see the way he looks at you.”
“Really?”
“Like he wants to lick you from head to toe and then start over.”
A heat of memory runs below my skin, head to toe. “Well . . .”
She laughs, full throated, and I can’t remember the last time I heard it. Maybe she’s finally starting to heal. “There you go.”
I try to trust it, I really do. But life has a habit of pulling the rug out from under you.
THEN
WHAT IF WE WENT TO ITALY?
Phoebe
Italy
My parents didn’t fight. Not on the way to the airport, which usually caused all kinds of conflict, not on the long flight over when both of them drank a lot of wine and even let me have a little. I started to feel pretty great, honestly, like maybe things were going to be okay.
We stayed in Rome for four days, and on the final day, my parents went out to dinner, leaving me to myself in the room. I was strictly forbidden to leave, and they’d called for a meal to be delivered to me at six. I truly didn’t mind, because I liked how they were being with each other. I sat by the open window with a notebook in my lap and wrote to Suze.
June 22, 19— Hi, Suze.
I promised I would send you postcards, and I did send two already, but a letter is better. Italy is beautiful! It’s really, really hot, too, which I don’t like, but my mom keeps telling me to enjoy the sunshine, and I guess I do like that part. I’m getting really tan, and she bought me a pretty blue dress that kinda hides my big butt and I feel pretty when I wear it, though I’m sure you’d look 10 times better in it.
We went to the Colosseum and the ruins of the city today. It was kinda sad, to think of all those people there so long ago and they’re all just dead along with their city. I felt the same way at Pompeii, which I wanted to see so bad so we went there. It was super sad. Everybody frozen in place, their lives done, right there, while they were eating dinner. It makes my heart hurt. I filled up half my sketchbook, though, and Naples was a cool town, kinda shady and all the boys whistled at me, which I both like and don’t like. Somebody pinched my butt on the tram and I was so mad but when I turned around, everybody played dumb. A boy flirted with me on the Spanish Steps, and he was really cute! Something about Italy makes me feel more grown up.
My parents haven’t been fighting at all. It’s nice. I wonder if they just needed a break from their ordinary lives. When they’re like this with each other, I can see why they fell in love.
I hope you’re having fun with Mary and Victor and everybody and that you don’t miss me too much. If you talk to Joel, tell him I said hi.
Tomorrow, we go to Florence.
Love,
Phoebe July 2, 19— Dear Suze,
I love Florence! We have to come here someday. I want to paint everything I see and have filled up two sketchbooks. Everything about it is beautiful—the buildings, the river, the sky, the trees, everything. I wonder if you can study art here? I’ve been thinking a lot about that since we’ve been here, what I want to do when we get out of school. We’ve talked a lot about New York City, but I don’t know if that’s THE perfect place. We should consider all of our options, as my dad always says. I do know I want to be an artist. There’s really no other career that would make me happy, period. You’re going to be an actress.
Oops, my parents are back! It’s our last night, and we’re going to dinner.
Love,
Phoebe Later— I am crying so hard I can hardly see to write this, and I want to call you, but my parents won’t let me.
THEY ARE GETTING DIVORCED!!! My mom is moving to LA and wants me to live there with her, but I won’t move. I swear I will not move. My dad is staying in Portland because he has a job there, but he won’t keep the house because it’s too expensive for one person to pay for.
I feel so mad! So betrayed! Why did we have to have this big fun trip if it was only going to end like this? They’ve been getting along so well, so why not give it another try? They said they’ve been trying and it’s not working, and they will give me the summer with my grandmother to figure things out.
But I don’t want to figure things out! I want them to stay together and live in Portland and keep my beautiful bedroom. I don’t want things to change like this. I’m SO SO SO SO SO MAD! I wish you were here.
Love,
Phoebe
CURRENT DAY
Chapter Eighteen
Suze
When I return home, it’s only Maui and me. Walking up to the house I’ve previously loved, I try to talk myself into feeling safe. It’s the scorpion problem. When we filmed in Mexico, I loved the landscape, the villa, but once I found a scorpion in the bathroom, and forever after, that room was ruined.