He stands, shaking his head as he slowly steps towards me, but I mirror his actions, retracting at the same pace.
“No, baby, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Fear bubbles inside of me. “Ask the fucking question, Ryan!”
I refuse to cry when he refuses to speak. I’m too angry to cry. Too mad at myself for falling in love with a man who made it clear he didn’t want the same things I did from the beginning.
“Ask me if I did it on purpose,” I say for him. “That’s what you’re wondering, right?”
Ryan’s eyes gloss over, regret pulling at every feature. “I’m not putting this on you, Indy. I’m just scared out of my goddamn mind and I’m fucking exhausted and I’m not thinking straight. I’m not reacting the right way.”
For the first time in our relationship, I’m not the emotional one. He’s on the verge of all out crying and I’m not sure if it’s because he thinks I’m pregnant and that’s the last thing he wants or if believes I betrayed him by getting knocked up.
He circles the kitchen island to meet me, but I maintain distance, my back to the front door.
“Blue, please.”
He looks equally sad as he does hurt and part of me wants to hug him, but most of me is angry that he’d ever think I’d trap him, even for a second.
“You don’t need to be scared, Ryan. I’m not pregnant. It’ll be a miracle if that ever happens so thank you for reminding me of that and thank you for reminding me that the last thing you want in life is the thing I desire most.” I exhale a humorless laugh. “We’ve never been on the same page, have we?”
With parted lips, Ryan’s brows pinch together. “Indy.” He squeezes the bridge of his nose. “I just need a moment to wrap my head around this. I…I didn’t expect it.”
Clearly, Ryan is ignoring the part where I told him I’m not pregnant. Maybe he’s in shock. Maybe he can’t grasp any of this. I’m trying to be understanding of his fears, but I refuse to spend my life convincing another man to want the same things I want.
“Sometimes I wish you had a normal job because then maybe you could trust there are no ulterior motives to loving you.” Snagging my keys off the kitchen island, I quickly slip out into the hall. “Take all the time you need, Ryan.”
“Indy!” I hear him shout through the door, but I don’t turn around.
39
RYAN
I should go after her, but I can’t. All my feet are willing to do is pace the length of the living room as I freak the fuck out.
I completely blacked out. I can’t recall half of what she said, but I know I fucked up.
I didn’t mean to react that way, but my God, the look on her face. She wasn’t even crying and that’s the scariest part of all. My emotional girl wasn’t emotional at all. She was hurt and I caused that.
This is what I’ve wanted. I just didn’t expect it so soon. I’m a planner, a preparer. I would meet her parents, ask her to marry me, then do everything in my power to make her a mom. I’m not accustomed to my plan going out of order. I don’t just dream and hope for the best.
At least, I didn’t dream before her.
For only a split second, I saw Marissa standing in front of me. I relived that day she told me she was pregnant. I went through every emotion I felt for those nine months I thought I was going to be a dad. I was thrown back into that evening at the hospital when I found out her daughter wasn’t mine. Every painful second of that day flashed in front of my eyes before the fog cleared and I saw Indy in front of me.
They’re not the same. They’ve never been the same, and I treated Indy as if they were.
God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m equal parts ecstatic now that the realization is settling in, and terrified that I ruined what should be one of the best days of our lives.
She must be so upset. This is everything she’s ever wanted, and I made her believe I didn’t.
Just as I’m heading out the door to chase after her, it busts open. But instead of my girlfriend, it’s my sister who is barreling into our home.
“Vee? What are you doing here?”
She doesn’t look up or answer me, she simply rushes through my apartment, lifting pillows and pulling out drawers. She jogs into my bathroom, and I follow to watch her comb through every inch. I finally put a stop to her when she begins frantically sifting through the bathroom’s trash can.
Bending down with her, I take the it from her grip. “Stevie, what the hell is going on?”
She stands with me, panic and worry covering her features. Her blue-greens gloss over as her chin begins to wobble.
“Ryan, I’m—” Her attention darts to my hand. “Where did you find that?”
Looking down, Indy’s pregnancy test is sticking out of my closed fist.
Fuck. This isn’t how she should find out. Indy should be here too, but I can’t exactly lie to my sister in the moment I feel my most vulnerable.
Studying my face, her eyes narrow. “Have you been crying?”
“Vee, Indy is pregnant.”
Stevie closes her eyes, exhaling a deep breath as tears stream down her freckled cheeks. “No, she’s not, Ryan.” Opening, her lashes brim with tears but at the same time, a smile pulls at her lips. “I am.”
“What?”
“That’s my test.” Her smile widens but holds an apologetic edge. “Zee was home yesterday, and Indy was out running errands. I knew the apartment was empty, so I came here to take a test. Well, six tests.” Chuckling, tears continue to stream down her face as she wipes them away with the sleeve of her shirt. “This morning I could only find five and I didn’t want Indy to be the one to find the sixth.”
An odd pit in my stomach forms as the realization settles in that this test isn’t Indy’s. Disappointment washes over me, but I shake it away, taking in the words that my sister just said.
“Stevie.” My voice cracks as tears prick my own eyes. “You’re pregnant?”
She nods with a laugh that quickly turns to a sobbing cry.
“Hey. Hey,” I soothe, wrapping her in a hug, cupping her head to hide in my chest. “Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know. Why are you?”
“Because my twin sister is going to be a mom, and you’re going to make me an uncle.”
“I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t spend my entire life dreaming of this the way you did. I didn’t think about kids until I met Zee.”
“Stevie. You two are going to make the best parents. I mean, if they’re anything like their dad we might be in trouble, but…”
Finally, Stevie laughs into my chest. “I hope they’re just like him.”
“Does he know?”
She shakes her head against me. “Not yet. I’m going to tell him today.” Pulling away, she cleans up her face. “Do me a favor? Let me be the one to tell Indy. I’m… I don’t know. I want her to hear it from me. I’m happy, so happy, but I don’t want to rub it in her face. This is everything she’s ever wanted.”
A tsunami size wave of regret crashes over me as the blacked-out fog lifts, every single one of her words barreling back into my mind.
I’m not pregnant.
It’ll be a miracle if that ever happens.