‘Can we go inside?’ he asked. ‘I just want to talk.’
I didn’t answer. I wanted to say, No, go away, leave and never come back, forget about me, pretend I never existed, but nothing came out. I just turned away, looking at the street.
‘Your mother hasn’t been well.’
My head spun around to look at him.
‘That’s why I came. She wants you to come home.’
‘What’s wrong with her? Is it serious?’
‘Serious enough, she’s in hospital.’
‘Jesus Christ.’ My hand flew to my chest. It was as though all of the oxygen had left my body. I felt woozy, like nothing was real any more. Not the buildings or the street or my flimsy life here in Dublin. He took my arm and I no longer flinched. It was Shane. He knew me and I knew him. Regardless of what had happened between us, he was here to help me. I looked in his eyes and I could see the sadness that was there when his father died. He knew how I felt. He wanted to help.
‘Okay, come in,’ I said. I walked down the hall towards the stairs leading to the basement, but when I turned around, he wasn’t following. ‘I live in the flat down here,’ I said, pointing to the stairs.
‘Jeez, it’s a nice place, isn’t it?’ he said, putting the flowers down on the console table and wandering into the front room.
‘You can’t go in there.’
He stepped out of my eyeline. After a few moments I followed him in. Madame Bowden was out, so I figured there wasn’t any harm.
‘Was it an accident, or is she sick?’ I asked.
‘What? Oh, it’s cancer.’
My legs went weak and I sank back on the sofa. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like a waking nightmare.
‘Why didn’t she tell me?’ I didn’t expect him to answer; I was simply trying to make sense of it.
‘How could she? None of us knew where you were. You didn’t even leave a note, Martha. I was so worried about you.’
‘Were you?’ I knew I shouldn’t have said it. I could read his face like the weather and that comment made him angry. A flash of him beating me with the head of a mop came unbidden. My arms wrapped around my ribs instinctively. He turned his back on me and he walked slowly around the room.
‘You’ve done all right for yourself though. I can see why you might have forgotten your family.’
‘It’s not like that.’
This was so twisted. I felt myself needing to prove that I still loved him, just to keep things civil. But I didn’t love him. I fucking hated him. I stood up and walked towards the door that led to the hall.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’d better pack a few things. What hospital is she in?’
‘The Regional.’
He had delayed just a beat, but enough to raise some doubts.
‘Who are you?’ I heard Madame Bowden’s imperious voice from behind us. She was standing in the doorway that led back to the parlour. I hadn’t heard her come in and I had to fight the urge to hug her for her impeccable timing. She held her walking stick more like a weapon waiting to be wielded than a support.
‘Another friend of yours?’
Oh God, don’t say it like that.
‘Th-this is my husband, Madame Bowden.’ I was shivering all over. I didn’t think anything bad would happen while she was there, but I couldn’t be sure.
‘Husband? Good grief, you kept that quiet!’
I wished she would shut up. She was making everything worse. I was immobilised. The past and the present were colliding in the front room and no one seemed to understand how terrifying that was. They continued to exchange barbed pleasantries and I just stood there, my mind racing to nowhere. I found myself wishing that Henry was here.
‘Well, we’d best be off,’ Shane said, walking towards me and taking me by the arm. I remembered this. How it looked normal because no one could see him digging his fingers into my skin.
‘Oh, where are you off to? Somewhere nice? Bewleys do a lovely lunch menu—’
‘Back to Sligo. Martha’s mother is in the hospital, so I’m taking her home.’
Madame Bowden looked genuinely sad, although I couldn’t tell if it was sympathy for me, or for the fact that she would have to make her own breakfast. She was unpredictable in her moods at the best of times – kind and gentle one minute, cold and uncaring the next. I couldn’t rely on her to get me out of this.
‘Well, I’m sorry to hear that,’ she said, her eyes lowering to where his hand grasped my arm.
‘I have to pack some things first,’ I croaked, my voice breaking.
‘There’s no time for that now, we have to beat the traffic.’
‘I said I’m sorry to hear that because Martha can’t possibly leave today. No, I’m afraid I have a very important supper this evening and I cannot do without her. I’m quite sure she can make her own way there in the morning. We have a very reliable public transport system,’ she added, enjoying how he visibly squirmed at her interference.
‘Her mother is seriously ill, I think that’s more important than your supper or whatever.’
I looked from one to the other. I didn’t know what to do.
‘I would like to hear Martha’s opinion on the matter, if you don’t mind.’
She was giving me breathing space and I had to grasp it, at least until I could find out for myself what was going on.
‘Um, I’d better stay here for tonight anyway,’ I said, despising the pleading tone in my voice. Five minutes with Shane and I was already back to the frightened girl hiding in a wardrobe. I hated him for making me this way, but I hated myself too. Why couldn’t I be stronger?
He shook his head and widened his eyes in disbelief. ‘Nice to see where your priorities lie.’
‘It is my job, Shane. I’ll call home tonight and be on the first bus down in the morning.’
‘There, you have your answer,’ Madame Bowden said, stepping in front of me.
‘Don’t call the house, there’s no one home, obviously.’ It seemed as though he was giving up. What else could he do with her there? He took one last look around the place, then filled his mouth with saliva and spat on the floor before walking out and slamming the front door. My lungs exhaled and I realised I’d been holding my breath for who knows how long. The relief of his absence was spoiled only by the embarrassment I felt in front of my employer.
‘I’ll clean that,’ I said, reaching into my apron pocket for a cloth and walking away quickly so I could hide my tears.
‘Martha Winter, you’ll do no such thing!’ she commanded. ‘I think it’s time you told me what exactly is going on.’
Chapter Twenty-One
HENRY
‘I’m following a new lead.’
The sigh on the other end of the line was not open to interpretation.
‘I’m just wondering, is all of this really worth it?’ said Isabelle.
I gave my own version of the frustrated sigh. She had no idea. How could she? I’d been cryptic about my research for so long that she’d lost interest in asking.
‘It’s worth it to me.’