If they’d been alone, he would have kissed her. Had they kissed, at that point? I feel sure they must have done. But things still felt innocent, and open. Like there were a number of possibilities. Like things could turn this way or that.
When Arthur woke, he asked what he’d missed and we told him nothing. But it wasn’t quite true, I don’t think. It felt like something had shifted, infinitesimally, between the four of us. The truth was, and always had been, that he was the one I could have done without, the one I cared about the least. How strange that he was the one I spent my life with, in the end.
On the journey home, we broke down. Something to do with the battery. Luckily, Bill was able to get us off the road and out of harm’s way before the car rolled to a stop and refused to start again. We had to wait for over an hour, all of us sulky and ready to be home. The sun had caught the skin on my shoulders and it felt tight and sore. We got out of the car and sat on the bank, waiting for the mechanic Bill had called from the emergency telephone on the side of the road. Dot tried to make us laugh, but we weren’t in the mood. It had been a glorious day, and now it was spoiled, and no one really seemed to know quite why. I made a daisy chain and wrapped it around Dot’s wrist, and she said something that I’ve never forgotten.
‘Oh Mabel, flowers make me feel hopeless. They just remind me that everything dies.’
41
‘The girls have got a new tablet,’ Patty says. ‘They’re allowed to video call me whenever they like. I’m sure the novelty will wear off but I’m getting five or six calls a day at the minute.’
We’re at her house, in the conservatory, and she’s pouring the tea.
‘Any plans to visit?’ I ask.
‘They’ve asked if I’d like to spend the summer there,’ she says. ‘Help out with childcare over the holidays, you know.’
‘What did you say?’ Julie asks.
We all wait for her to answer. I know how she loves and misses those girls, but I would hate to see her taken advantage of.
‘I said no,’ she says, surprising me. ‘I’ve got my life down here. I’ve got you.’ She gestures to each of us in turn. ‘And I’ve got Harry.’
Kirsty gives a little cheer. ‘Harry!’
‘I can’t believe you finally gave him a chance,’ Julie says, laughing.
Harry has been going to Patty’s dance class for five years, and even I could see that he dotes on her.
‘Why did you?’ Kirsty asks.
We all look at Patty and she clasps her hands together. ‘Because of Mabel,’ she says.
I wasn’t expecting that.
‘Mabel could have lost herself in grief after Arthur died, but she changed her life instead. That’s true bravery.’ She looks at me. ‘You taught me that I needed to let Sarah go and start living my own life.’
‘Did I?’
‘Yes, you did. You showed me that it’s never too late.’
Julie nods. ‘And you helped me start to talk about Samantha.’
Julie has told all of us about her sister, now. And I think it’s lifted her, the telling. She shares stories and memories and the sadness in her eyes is still there, but it’s diminished. We all have something that’s broken us, I suppose. Nobody gets away unscathed.
‘Do you think it’s serious, with Harry?’ I ask.
Patty dips her head and I notice again how beautiful she is. I wish I could see her modelling, the way she looked when she was in her teens and twenties. But perhaps she’s at her most beautiful now, with all this life behind her, all this wisdom.
‘I think it might be,’ she says.
Julie is sitting next to her and she wraps an arm around Patty and gives her a squeeze. I wonder whether she’s thinking about Martin, about how she lost him twice.
‘Any plans to start dating?’ Patty asks her, and I realise our thoughts must have travelled similar paths.
‘Not really,’ Julie says. ‘There’s no rush, is there? For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I need to be with someone. I feel like I’m all right on my own, for now. And if someone comes along in a year or two, that’s fine.’
‘There are benefits to living alone,’ Patty says.
She’s right about that. After Arthur died, it was somewhat freeing to be the only person I had to think about when it came to things like eating and watching television. To have a bed to myself, to not have to talk if I didn’t feel like it. But then Erin moved in and I enjoyed her company so much I didn’t care about any of the other things. In a few months, she’ll leave for university, all being well, and I’ll get to experience the pleasures of living alone again, until she returns in the holidays. Best of both worlds, I think.
Kirsty’s been quiet. She’s sitting on the floor, leaning back against an armchair, giving Dotty a bottle. She’s listening to everything but saying very little. I watch Dotty for a minute, the way her eyelids keep drooping and flicking back open as she fights sleep.
‘I hated living alone,’ she says. ‘I love the buzz and chaos of family life.’
‘When did you live alone?’ I ask. ‘Before Ben?’
‘Yes, after university I did various flat-shares with friends and then I managed to buy my own place and it was tiny, only big enough for me, but I was so proud to have it. So I moved in all my things and painted the walls and put pictures up, but it never felt like home because there was no one else there. When I met Ben, I started staying at his place three or four nights a week and then we moved in together pretty quickly.’
I want to ask whether anything has happened with her family but, at the same time, I don’t want to push her. Julie has no such qualms, though.
‘Any plans to see your parents again?’
‘Yes, actually. I was going to say, that’s what Mabel’s bravery inspired me to do. Ben and I are going there for the weekend in a couple of weeks.’
‘Are you nervous about it?’ Patty asks.
‘Not really. I’ve been talking to them on the phone – both of them – and I think I got it wrong, about Tony. I think he’s a nice guy, and he makes Mum happy. I just wasn’t ready for her to move on so quickly. And Ben’s delighted, because he thought it was him I was ashamed of, and I had no idea. So I’m just going to take him home, let him get to know my family, and then we can finally get married.’
Dotty is fast asleep now, and Kirsty stands up carefully and takes her to the hallway to lay her down in her buggy.
‘That’s great,’ Patty says, when she returns. ‘So that’s a full house, Mabel.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean we’ve all found the courage to change something, to be honest about something, because of you.’
I don’t know what to say.
Later that evening, Erin and I are making beans on toast.