And then he said he didn’t mean it, he just didn’t understand. But she didn’t quite understand either. It was just something she knew. It was time to go home. She was truly, deeply sorry.
He told her that no one would ever love her like he did. She wanted to say that she agreed, but that it wasn’t relevant. No two people ever loved each other the same way. It was the kids she’d miss the most, though she didn’t say that, either, because it would hurt him for no reason. And it wasn’t even that she’d miss the real, actual kids but rather the idea of them. If she stayed, she’d become a fixture in their lives.
He told her to go, he didn’t care, get the hell out. And then he tried to put his body close to hers and persuade her to stay. But that had lost all power over her, too, and she wanted to cry when she realized how lost she must have felt only a few short weeks ago. Everything about him that was different from Malcolm repulsed her now, and it had happened overnight. His build, the way he smelled, the texture of his skin. It wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t her fault either. She missed Malcolm so much that she felt it in her muscles, in her blood.
“Now things are going to be so weird with Patrick,” Neil said.
“Now they’ll be weird with Patrick?” She couldn’t help herself: she laughed. The kids were back at school, finally, after so many days at home, and Jess considered leaving something behind for the girls—a lipstick or a necklace. But in the end she decided it would be best to clear out completely, to leave no trace.
* * *
While Jess was at Neil’s, Malcolm drove over to Hugh’s house in Gillam, but no one was there. He flagged down a neighbor and asked if he’d seen Hugh lately, if he knew his address down south, but the man said the only people he ever saw at the Lydons’ anymore were the landscapers and they hadn’t been by since November. He went by Little Hughie’s house next—a huge, plastic-looking monstrosity—but no one answered the door. He drove home and called a few of the regulars who’d been coming to the Half Moon since Malcolm started there, but all of them assumed if anyone knew Hugh’s new address it would be Malcolm. He realized how little he knew about Hugh, how little he’d ever known. The few times he met Mrs. Lydon were when she came to the bar to decorate for Christmas. He’d never been to their home or to their family parties, and they’d never been to his. He was staring into space at his own counter when he heard something outside. His mother. She was leaving a box of donuts on the step.
“Oh, hi, sweetie,” she said when he opened the door. “I didn’t want to bother you guys.”
“That’s okay, Jess isn’t here.”
His mother handed him the box, and he asked her if by any chance she knew of anyone who was friendly with the Lydons. Someone who might have kept in touch after they moved. The Lydons were around the same age as his mother, after all. They must have had friends who had nothing to do with Hugh’s businesses.
“A woman in my gardening club is good friends with Josephine,” she said.
“Really? Can you get their South Carolina address for me?”
“I can try,” she said. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah everything’s fine. Just bar stuff.”
“Everything’s fine? The other day, you told me the bar’s not doing well, and you said you’d come back and we’d chat. But you never came back.”
“I know. Sorry. There’s so much going on right now and—”
“I want to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. I’m your mother, Malcolm, and I’ll know immediately if you tell me a lie.”
“Okay.”
“Is Hugh Lydon holding the note on the Half Moon?”
Malcolm didn’t answer.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Malcolm, your dad and Hugh had a history. Did Hugh ever tell you that? I don’t know all the details but I know it was a big thing. You and Little Hughie were only babies. I used to think that was why he took you under his wing when your father died, maybe to make up for something, but now—” She shrugged.
“What was it? Do you want to come in?”
“I can’t. I’m meeting Artie at Pappy’s. They’ll give us a free glass of wine with our pasta if we’re seated by five.”
Standing on his cold step with her knit hat pulled down to her eyebrows, the bright white snow made her eyes a vivid blue. Her hands were red.
“You need gloves, Mom.”
“I’m fine,” she said, and shoved her hands deep into her coat pockets. “I only know parts of it because you know how your dad was, and it was a long time ago. I never told you because it was ancient history and you were doing well at the Half Moon, earning a living at least. And when you bought it, I assumed you were done with Hugh. From what I gathered back then, Hugh made a big bet. A really dumb bet, and everyone knew about it. He used to show up at Gephardt’s every once in a while and get really lit, who knows why, little kids at home made him nuts maybe. He’d opened the Half Moon but you can’t really get drunk in your own bar, as you know. Anyway, he lost the bet, but they worked it out. That’s what your dad always said about everything. ‘We worked it out.’?”
“Dad let him welch.”
“Not a chance. No. He couldn’t! That’s just not how it worked. If he let him welch next thing everyone who owed him would think they could just walk away. I don’t know what agreement they came to, but all I know is after it settled, he told Hugh to never show his face at Gephardt’s again. And as far as I know, he never did.”
Malcolm took it in, tried to make this young, stupid version of Hugh fit with the Hugh he knew.
“The Lydons lived a few blocks from us back then. Their house was so pretty and Josephine was proud. She invited a bunch of women over for sandwiches when they wallpapered their kitchen. Darren didn’t like mixing worlds and he hated that Hugh used to drink down at Gephardt’s sometimes. He didn’t like that Josephine was sort of my friend. He kept certain parts of his business away from me and I didn’t like to think about it too much if I’m being honest. But I know he wouldn’t have wanted to ruin someone so close to home, kids in the same school. Our marriage was different from yours. I wasn’t as clueless as Josephine, but Darren and I didn’t talk much about work.”
“So how’d they settle it? Hugh must have paid up somehow.”
“I don’t know. Honestly. I’d tell you.”
* * *
Two hours later, the box of donuts still taped closed on the counter, she called. “I got the address. Do you have a pen?”
Malcolm wrote it down.
“And will you have Jess call me as soon as she gets home? I thought of something and I want to talk to her.”
“About what?”
“About none of your business. I’ve missed her. I want to say hello.”
* * *
Jess said she was coming with him. He didn’t want her to at first, but when he thought of her home alone and Billy coming around, he agreed. Two round-trip plane tickets would cost a fortune on such short notice, so they took fifteen minutes to gather a few things and then they drove through the night. She had to do a little work, she said, and connected something to her laptop to get an internet connection. After a rest stop where she made a few calls while pacing the refrigerated section of a Quik Mart, she moved to the backseat, and every time he looked in the rearview mirror, she was staring at her laptop or out the window.
“Okay to play music?” Malcolm asked.
“Yes, of course, sorry,” she said. She climbed over the armrest into the front passenger seat. “I’m waiting for someone to call me back.”
“At this hour?” Malcolm asked.
“A friend in records. She’s doing me a favor.”