‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,’ the old woman says, still sucking on her sweet. ‘Maybe you weren’t ready.’
‘Well, there’s been a lot to catch up on,’ I say, relenting and reaching for one of her sweets. ‘But maybe there aren’t any shortcuts in life. Maybe you have to live it all, because it makes you who you are.’ I pause. ‘Wait, did I really say that? Wow, I’ve gone full Elizabeth Day.’
‘So much wisdom in one so young,’ the old lady says with a smile.
‘Who, Elizabeth Day?’
‘No, you, Lucy.’ And when I turn to look at her, she winks at me. Then she rolls up the top of her paper bag and stows it in a pocket of her waistcoat. ‘So, do you want to go back?’
‘Can I? I don’t know how all this works.’
‘If you really want to,’ she says, tapping the machine, ‘then you can go back.’
‘And will everything play out like I’ve seen? Will I meet Sam and have Felix, Chloe and Amy? Will I still get to be a part of this family?’
The old lady presses her fingers together and her face grows serious. ‘Nothing is guaranteed. No one’s path is set in stone.’
‘Would I go back knowing all this, knowing what the future holds?’
‘No, duckie. Knowledge changes the path, even if you don’t want it to. You wouldn’t be able to meet the love of your life, knowing their significance, without it affecting your behaviour.’
‘What about Zoya, Chloe? Can I stop them from dying?’
‘Like I said, nothing is set in stone.’ The old lady turns around and pulls up a stool from behind the till, her forehead creasing in sympathy. ‘But even if you could go back knowing, no one likes to be told they’re going to die, duckie.’
Something inside me crumples, as though I’ve been hollowed out from the inside with an ice-cream scoop. I sink to the floor, my back against the wishing machine. She is right – it would be miserable to know what lay ahead.
‘So, what choice do I have?’ I ask her.
‘You can stay here, your memories will no doubt return in time – the gaps filled in – or you can go back, forget all of this.’
‘But I might not end up here, with the life I’ve got now?’
She holds my gaze, her eyes glistening. ‘Our paths are not predestined.’
Finally, I understand what she’s telling me: stay and remember or go back and forget. If I go back, my life might end up in an entirely different place. It’s like Sophie’s Choice (not that I’ve ever seen it, but people always seem to mention it when there’s an impossible decision to be made). When all this began, I so desperately hoped for the wishing machine to be real, wanted to believe I had skipped forward, because that might mean I could go back. But now, I have fallen in love with the people in this life. I know I could be happy here if I stayed, especially if my memories returned.
‘I’ve been remembering things, from the in-between. What does that mean?’
‘When you choose a path, your brain will catch up. If you’re remembering things, you’re beginning to choose.’
Shifting my body towards the machine, I ask, ‘So, what is this thing? How does it work? Is it you that’s magic?’
The old lady reaches forward and clasps my hands in hers. ‘ “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” ’
‘Are you Shakespeare?’ I ask with a smile, and her eyes light up in amusement.
She drops my hand and holds out her palm. ‘Are you ready? Do you have a coin?’
‘What, I need to do it now? Don’t I get to say goodbye to people first?’
‘No time like the present. Well, no time like the future.’ She smiles and hands me two coins.
‘Could I come back tomorrow, or maybe next week? Just have a few more days here . . . I need to say goodbye to Sam, to hug the children . . .’
‘Lucy, it doesn’t sound like your mind is made up at all.’
‘Oh no, it is, I have to go back. I want my life, I need to see Zoya.’
‘Then you won’t remember this anyway. What good are forgotten goodbyes?’
She’s right. If I’m going, there’s no point in dragging out my departure. Before I can overthink it, I slot the coins into the machine, close my eyes, and wish to go back to my old life, to be twenty-six again, to have all this ahead of me. But when I open my eyes, the lights of the machine are still dull, it sits stubbornly silent.
‘Oh dear,’ she says.
‘What do you mean “oh dear”? Why isn’t it working?’
She kicks the machine, trying to jolt it to life. ‘Is it broken?’
‘I suspected this might happen,’ she says, bowing her head slightly.
‘What? What’s happened?’
‘You don’t want it enough.’
‘I do. I do want it! I want to go back,’ I shout at the machine, ‘I want to go back!’
‘It only works if it’s with all your heart. Some of your heart is here now.’
‘So I’m stuck?’ I ask, panic bubbling in my chest. I doubted I could fly.
‘Maybe you do need to say your goodbyes,’ she says kindly, but then taps the machine and consults her pocket watch again. ‘You don’t have much time though. The longer you are here, the harder it will be to leave. When you truly feel this life is yours, more memories will return, and when the blanks have filled in, the window to leave will close.’
‘What? There’s a time limit now! Why is there a time limit?’ That seems like a needless plot device to add stress to my already incredibly stressful situation.
‘Everyone needs a deadline,’ she says, clicking and unclicking a button on her watch. ‘Go, say your goodbyes, but be back and ready to leave before the picture fills in.’
Right, so go back home, say goodbye to everyone I love, and then emotionally detach enough to come back here and try again – all before the amnesia wears off and the magic portal closes. When I explain all this to Felix, it’s going to blow his little mind.
Chapter 33
‘I knew it!’ says Felix, jumping up and down on his bed. ‘I knew there would be a portal. I can’t believe it was there all along.’
‘I know.’
‘Do you think I can go through the portal? Do you think I can go to Mars?’ Felix asks.
‘Why would you want to go to Mars? You’d die, there’s no air.’
‘I could wish for air; I could wish for a whole colony. I could rename Mars, Felix-Is-a-Bad-ass. How cool would that be?’
‘Felix-Is-a-Bad-ass,’ I say, smiling. ‘Something tells me the wishing machine doesn’t deal in those kinds of wishes.’
Felix nudges his head into me, and I wrap my arm around him. ‘What will happen here if you go? Will old Mummy come back?’
‘I’m not sure. But yes, I imagine everything will carry on like before.’
‘But if you go back, and you change something, I might never exist – that’s what lady Yoda said.’
‘I know, shit. Why would I change anything though?’
‘Shit happens.’
‘Don’t swear.’
‘You said it first!’
We grin at each other. ‘If I stay, she said my memories will come back. I’d be your mummy again.’
‘You’re already my mummy,’ Felix says, hugging closer into me. ‘Just messier and swearier.’
I blink back tears.
Sam pokes his head around the door. ‘What’s wrong?’