The streets are quiet as we drive. “Do you want me to teach you?”
“Rory.” Her eyes flick over to me. “I’m not driving this car.”
“Why not?”
She balks, probably about to protest that it’s too expensive or something.
“You might need a car for something.”
It’s fucking cute how she does that rapid-blinking thing when she’s flustered. Like this morning when she saw the box and thought it was an engagement ring. It almost makes me want to buy one to see what she’d say.
Who am I kidding? That’s not the reason I want to buy one.
“I’ll rent a car if I need one,” she insists.
“Okay.” I sigh like she’s worn me down. “I’ll get another car.” I pull onto the bridge to North Vancouver, and my gut tightens with nerves. “What kind of car do you want?’
She shakes with laughter. “You’re relentless.”
My thoughts wander to my mom, and another round of nerves pitch through me. My fingers drum on the steering wheel in anticipation. Do her friends even know about me? Does she have a partner? Does she still go hiking in the trails? It’s like she’s a stranger. But the way she looked at me yesterday, it felt like— My exhale is heavy. It felt like she didn’t want it to be that way.
She left, though, so now I don’t fucking know what to think. I don’t know what I’m doing, going to visit her today.
Hazel’s hand lands on my thigh. She can see right through me, and she knows I’m nervous about today.
I wonder what else Hartley knows. I wonder if she realizes I’m in love with her.
“I’m glad you’re coming with me today,” I admit, glancing between her and the road.
Without Hazel, I’d make some excuse and then lift weights until I was too tired to think. With Hazel, though, I haven’t felt the urgent, clawing feeling that I’m not doing enough for hockey. If I asked her about it, she’d say I can take three days off without ruining my career, and I’d agree.
“I need you,” I add, inching closer to the secret I’m keeping from her.
Hazel’s changed my life in ways I couldn’t predict, and being with her is so much more than I expected.
She watches me, and I worry I’ve pushed it too far, but she just gives me that soft, sweet Hazel smile I’ve unearthed in the past few months.
“I’m happy I’m here, too,” she says, giving my leg another squeeze.
CHAPTER 64
RORY
While my mom bustles around the party, topping up drinks and chatting with people, I sit beside Hazel in the living room. My mom bought this house a few months after she left, and I’ve been here twice. No, three times. I spent most of my visits practicing slapshots in the driveway, ignoring her.
“Hazel,” my mom says, taking the seat beside her. “What do you do?”
Her hand slips into mine, anchoring me. “I’m a physio for the team.”
They talk about Hazel’s work and her yoga practice, and my mom gives me a warm look when Hazel shows her the earrings I bought.
“How are you liking the Vancouver team, Rory?” my mom asks, and the room seems to quiet down.
“Good.” I send her a quick glance. “Streicher’s on the team, so it’s nice to play with someone I know.” I shift, aware that everyone in the room is listening to our conversation. “And I like playing for Ward.”
My mom nods, humming. “Didn’t you have his poster on your wall?”
Hazel smiles up at me, and I try to smile back, but my face feels rigid. “Yeah.”
She hums again, and we fall quiet. She looks at her hands in her lap before glancing over at me. “Jamie and his mom are doing well?”
I nod. “Yep.”
“He and my sister are engaged,” Hazel adds, and my mom lights up.
“I saw he was engaged but I didn’t know she’s your sister.” My mom’s gaze flicks between us, hesitating like she wants to say more. “Congratulations to them.”
Hazel runs her thumb over the back of my hand, and a few knots inside me untie. I don’t know how I’d do this without her.
“Jamie’s a surly grump,” Hazel tells my mom, “but I couldn’t ask for a better brother-in-law.”
My mom chuckles. “He was always quiet and serious. Nothing like Rory. I guess that’s why they were good for each other.”
I don’t know what to say. Everything we talk about is from the past, but I don’t want to talk about hockey. She hates hockey.
This is awkward. I open my mouth to ask if she still makes jewelry, but the doorbell rings, and she jumps up like she was waiting for an out. She opens the door and more of her friends pile in.
“I’m so glad we could make it,” her friend says, hugging my mom. “When you called yesterday—”
“Oh, yes, yes.” My mom cuts her off, eyes darting over to me and Hazel. “So good to see you.”
Her friend sees me and gasps, hands on her mouth and eyes wide. “Is this Rory?”
I give her a tight smile. “Hi.”
“My god,” she breathes. “He’s Rick’s twin!”
So fast I barely catch it, my mom winces, and my heart sinks.
“I need to, uh,” I start, getting to my feet, not meeting Hazel’s searching gaze. “I’m going to grab some water. Be right back.”
I sense Hazel’s eyes on me the entire way to the kitchen. At the kitchen sink, I pour a glass from the tap, down it, and pour another, staring out the window into the back yard.
What am I doing here? I’m just ripping open old wounds. The way she reacted when her friend said I looked like my dad was everything I needed to know.
This was a huge fucking mistake. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, showing up. Did I think suddenly we were going to be different people? That we could start fresh or something?
Pathetic, Rick would say.
I think back to the day she left, when she asked if I wanted to go with her. Everything would be different if I had said yes. I’d know my own mom. I wouldn’t play hockey, though.
“Rory.” My mom steps into the kitchen wearing a strange expression.
The kitchen feels too small with just the two of us, but at the same time, my gaze clings to her, taking her in. My mom. My heart hurts, looking at her. Even though she’s right in front of me, I miss her.
I wish we could start fresh. I just don’t know how.
She gestures over her shoulder, shaking her head. “I’m sorry about what Erica said. About you looking like your dad.”
I take a drink of water, just for something to do with my hands. “Everyone says it.”
“I always thought you looked more like me.”
Silence stretches between us. I can smell her perfume—the same one she used to wear when I was a kid.
“How’s your dad?”
“Uh.” I rub the back of my neck, thinking about our call yesterday. “He’s good.”
“Is he in town for the holiday?”
I shake my head. “Back in Toronto. He’s not much of a Christmas guy.”
She nods like she remembers before her expression changes. “He used to be, when you were really little. He loved doing all the Christmas stuff with you.”