And it’s a joke.
I know this is a bit he’s performing to cheer me up, to affirm we’re in this together. Us against the world! But it’s having the opposite effect. Instead, I feel unbearably sad. I should stop him. If I go along with this, it will only be a matter of time before we have to stage a pretend breakup or admit we lied.
“Well, isn’t that nice,” she tells him before I can object. “I’m glad Finn has someone like you in his life. It’s so good to have you here again, and under happier circumstances this time. But Theo, you’ll have to excuse me for being poor company. I was up before the sun to get this turkey in the oven and I’m exhausted. I’ll leave you boys to it and head up to bed. But I’m so glad we’ll get to spend the day together tomorrow.”
“Me as well, Mrs. Everett.”
“Call me Suzann, please,” she tells him.
“Suzann, then,” he basically purrs.
“Finn, you’ll take care of the plates?” she says, an order masquerading as a question. “And leave a light on for your sister for when she gets home from wherever she went with her friends. You know she’ll come back drunk.” She shakes her head as if to say, Kids, what can you do?
But I wouldn’t know. I missed Amanda’s high school years in this house. It’s easier to agree anyway. “Yes, Mom.”
As she walks out of the room, I remember something. “Mom, where are the sheets for the pullout in the basement?”
“Oh honey, I don’t mind if you share your room. You know I’m more modern than your father. You boys sleep well.”
Theo death grips my arm as she walks into the kitchen. He claps his other hand over his mouth as she rinses her coffee mug and puts it in the dishwasher. By the time she makes it up the stairs, he’s convulsing with silent laughter.
“Admit it,” he says between bursts of laughter after her bedroom door clicks shut. “That was cute!”
“That was not cute. It was weird, like she’s campaigning for some kind of most-improved award. Earlier, she shoved me back in the closet when someone asked if I had a girlfriend. Let’s not give her too much credit. I don’t think she’s getting a rainbow bumper sticker anytime soon.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to sleep with me tonight?”
I gulp down the lump that’s formed in my throat. I want that more than anything, even though I know Theo only thinks of it as a continuation of his bit. “Really, if you’d rather sleep on the pullout, I can find the sheets. We should tell her we aren’t together. She’s got the wrong idea, and if we keep this going, we’re going to need to stage some kind of fake breakup.”
“You’d have to be the one to fake break up with me. I would never break up with you, you’re the best fake boyfriend I’ve ever had!” He ruffles my hair the way one would a little brother’s.
“We’re telling her in the morning,” I say.
“Oh, come now, at least she’s trying. Let her think whatever she wants. But, serious question, do you have another pair of those very handsome pants for me?” He gestures at the Falcons fleece pajama pants I put back on after company left. “I didn’t bring any pajamas,” he adds.
“These are one of a kind, unfortunately.”
“Don’t think I won’t sleep in the nude . . .”
I feel myself blush.
Theo stacks his silverware on his plate and stands up from the table. “Are you going to show me your room?”
ten
Finn
Christmas #8, 2015
Hannah peers into the Trader Joe’s shopping bag and her reaction is immediate. “Oh, hell no.”
“Either put it on or you can’t come. I didn’t make the rules.”
She narrows her eyes at me like I’m personally punishing her. “I’m standing in a Starbucks bathroom dressed like a penguin, so it’s not like this is ideal for me either,” I remind her.
She gingerly pulls the green velvet elf costume out of the bag, gripping the fabric between her thumb and forefinger like she might catch crabs from it.
“It was dry cleaned if that’s what you’re worried about,” I offer.
“I was more worried about my reputation.” That’s rich coming from Hannah, whose favorite sweater is brown and at least three sizes too large. I call her Mrs. Potato Head whenever she wears it.
“Don’t worry, we won’t tell Vogue.”
She frowns into the bag.
“No one’s going to see you. Take one for the team.”
“No one’s going to see me?! That’s a blatant lie! This shit is televised!” she huffs. “Are you sure this is the only option?” She rifles through the bag like there might be a false bottom hiding other, better costumes.
“Priya got here before you and took the Mrs. Claus costume. So yeah, this is it. Also, why didn’t you two come together?” Priya was on time, while Hannah was thirty minutes late. I sent Priya and Theo ahead to check in for us while I waited for Hannah. When she got here, I had to buy a second coffee because the bathroom code resets on the hour.
“Priya slept at Ben’s last night.”
“The travel photographer guy?”
“Yeah. Well, no. Same guy, but he’s in med school somewhere in the Midwest now.” She rolls her eyes. “He’s here for Christmas, his parents live on the Upper East Side. She’s been there every night this week.”
Every six months or so, Ben comes through town and he and Priya crash together like magnets. It’s all-consuming for the length of his visit and then she mopes around, flat and lifeless, for a month afterward. I dislike Ben without ever having met him.
There’s an impatient knock at the bathroom door. It’s the only one and it must see a lot of action judging by the overflowing trash can and the sheafs of paper towels littering the floor at 7:00 a.m. on Christmas.
“Just a minute,” I yell, and flash Hannah a stern look. She groans and lifts her Bleachers sweatshirt over her head.
As she pulls on the synthetic-velvet elf costume, I think about how the heck I ended up here. After four years of failed auditions—I got close a few times, but never booked a part—it was clear I needed a plan B. Something creative, I thought. Even if I couldn’t be onstage or in front of the camera, at least I could still be involved in making it happen. Hannah was the one who found the listing for my new job at ToonIn. She came to happy hour armed with a sheaf of printed job listings annotated with handwritten messages riddled with exclamation points like “This sounds cool!!” or “Fun perks!!!”
“Educational cartoons?” I mused aloud, less enthused by the prospect. That had to be the skid row of the entertainment industry.