by Matthew Cole
My first boyfriend wasn’t really a boyfriend, only because we never used that label with each other. We were both sixteen, and he was a friend of a friend, the sort who would sit with your group at the cafeteria table and whose name you knew, even if you barely spoke to each other. My school was small enough that it was impossible to not run into classmates several times a day in the halls and by our lockers. I’d caught him looking at me a few times as I switched textbooks in between periods, and I’d caught myself looking at him a few times, too.
I wasn’t out yet, and neither was he, but there was an energy that drew us together, long, silent conversations with our feelings and thoughts alone. We sat beside each other during lunch without speaking out loud and read beside each other in the library without saying hello and walked home together for several blocks while only mentioning homework or the pop quiz we’d had that day and mainly staying quiet as we sweated together in that Georgian heat.
There were openly gay people at our school, but they dealt with enough bullying that it made me even more certain I didn’t want to tell anyone, not yet. But this boy—he made me wonder if it might be worth it all, the world finding out about these feelings I’d had for so long. Our first kiss wasn’t very romantic. It’d happened because of another silent conversation. He only spoke to ask if I wanted to hang out. I ended up at his house after school to drink in the woods behind his backyard. It was my first time drinking beer, too, and close to being my last, before I decided I just didn’t like the taste or feeling of alcohol.
But the alcohol was needed that day for the liquid courage—for both of us, I think. We didn’t say anything as we drank one beer and then another. He leaned in to kiss me first, and I wasn’t surprised, even though I pretended I was. We kissed and kissed and kissed for what felt like hours in the woods, though it was probably only a few minutes. I went back many more times after that. We still didn’t speak at school, but I would go to his house, and eventually, he would come to mine on the days my parents had late hours at work and when my sister had to stay after school for one of her many clubs.
Our relationship ended when one day, he came over and we sat together in my bedroom. We’d already kissed that afternoon before my dad came back home from work. Maybe we should’ve been more careful. I should’ve realized that if we could speak with energy, then others could pick up on our energy, too. My dad walked by in the hall. He stopped, turned around, and looked into my open door, where I sat with my boyfriend on the floor, doing homework. My dad didn’t say anything. He only eyed us before he walked away again. After my boyfriend left, my dad said at the dinner table that he didn’t want “that kid” to come back over here again.
It was enough. Somehow, my boyfriend picked up on this energy, too, and he never invited me back to his house, and I never invited him back to mine.
(Revised) Project X Schedule
September 1: August 21: Announcement that you are, in fact, official ?
September 3: GLAAD red carpet event, first public outing as official couple. I had to kiss major ass for these invites and move around the production schedule to get you two the day off so, don’t fuck this up; prep with stylists starts 8am sharp
September 16: MC interview with InStyle magazine; slip in mention about how much you’re in love with LG and what it’s like to work with your boyfriend in a rom com film
September 29: LG interview with GQ; be vulnerable Gray, you want to be likeable in this one; talk about your rehab, how much you’ve been changing, how much you want to grow and change for Matt, etc.
October 12: MC to post on Twitter and Instagram platforms updating the world about relationship and how well it’s going
October 28: Vanessa Stone industry Halloween party
Mattie
Dave’s voice echoes. “All right, folks. It’s the scene we’ve all been waiting for.”
I take a deep breath and release it slowly through my mouth. I knew this was coming. I met with Dave, Gray, and the intimacy coordinator, Jasmine, to go over everything we’d agreed on (no simulated sex, only bare chests shown), and ensure feelings hadn’t changed since the initial meeting. Jasmine is waiting near, watching for any signal from either me or Gray that we need a break.
I was starting to think that this scene—and working with Logan—wouldn’t be as awkward as I was afraid it’d be, but after Gray slammed me with his don’t forget, this is all fake speech a few days ago, it’s hard to feel comfortable and safe with him again. It doesn’t help that the selfie we posted, and the photo of us holding hands as we walked off set together, is absolutely everywhere. It’s inescapable. I should be able to admit it, right? It was embarrassing, to be told that we’re not friends in that tone as if I’m deranged.
My sister freaked out at me when she saw the announcement. “I knew it! I knew it!” she screamed in my ear.
My mom wasn’t as enthused. “Are you sure about this, Mattie?” she asked. “From what I can see of him online, Logan Gray—he’s…” She never finished that sentence.
It’s harder to keep up the act that I care about Gray when he rejected me. Is it crazy of me to want to be friends with him? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he really has been the asshole he’s claimed to be all along. But something tells me that he isn’t as simple as he wants me to think. I want to ask him why he’s pushed me away, but he’ll most likely keep pushing—and I’m not in the mood to be insulted like that again.
These are the thoughts that filter through my head as I wait on set. We’re in the constructed bedroom. I should be getting into the right frame of mind for Riley. This isn’t very professional of me, to be wrapped up in personal drama.
Gray looks like he could care less. He’s embodied Quinn already—I can tell, the way he leans against the bedroom’s desk, eyes hooded. The lights feel brighter than usual. Anyone who was unnecessary to shooting this scene was asked to leave, so at least I’m not performing for dozens of extra people. I’m still struggling with shame at the thought of being attracted to another man, let alone kissing one in front of so many people, so it helps that the set is emptier than usual. But, still—it’ll be awkward as hell, purposefully getting horny in front of Dave.