Again, Chase was missing. I worked up the courage to ask Emma where he was, as casually as possible, and she mumbled something about him having meetings. I pretend it doesn’t matter. But the idea that he’s purposefully staying away from his own home because of me hurts.
I shake my head and try to focus on my next risk. That’s the thing about the list. It’s a great distraction from obsessing over Chase.
It’s two in the morning. The house is quiet, and I’m standing next to a pool with water as smooth as glass. A gentle breeze blows.
Even though no one is around, I’m achingly aware that I’m wearing nothing but a sarong wrap under my towel.
I take a deep breath, then drop my towel before making a clean dive into the pool.
“Balls!” I whisper-squeal as I come up for breath, the frigid water stinging my exposed skin.
Trying to ignore the icy bite against my skin, I swim for a moment, working up the courage to remove my final item of clothing. The sarong is of a semi-sheer fabric meant for swimming, and I’m tempted to leave it on. But that would be cheating.
“Fuck it” I whisper to myself, unwrapping it and setting it near the edge of the pool.
I’m not sure what I expected, but being naked outdoors is electric. It reminds me of the night in the fountain. Even the possibility that I could get caught adds to the energy coursing through me.
Not that there’s much chance someone will come to investigate. At least, not at this hour. I purposely waited until Ryder’s crew left and everyone else was finally in bed. The whole house is black as pitch, no piano music or guitar chords from the basement, no jovial arguments, loud laughter, or feminine giggles. No video games, beer pong, or pool games. Just peace and quiet.
I float on my back, acutely aware of my pale breasts in the moonlight, and look up at the stars. The stars are faint, but it’s still magical to see them hanging above me in the inky sky.
Something brushes my foot.
“Gah!” I scream.
A dark figure moves past me under the water.
I splash furiously and then freeze. My imagination conjures up various scenarios. I wouldn’t put it past Sebastian to arrange for a shark in the pool, so I’d have to do his risk. Not like a giant killer shark. But maybe a small one. Or a dolphin. It’s one of those fancy saltwater pools. Could a baby shark survive in it?
There it is again. A splash in the water a few feet behind me, and I scream, “Ah! Shark!”
“Olivia, what the fuck are you doing?” a familiar voice floats to me.
Oh, hell no.
I’d rather deal with the shark.
“Chase!” I immediately sink deep and splash into the darkest corner of the pool.
“I’m swimming,” I answer, while I huddle in the grotto with the fewest lights, praying he can’t tell I’m naked. “What are you doing sneaking up on me? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
“I’m not sneaking up on you. I swim at night. You interrupted me.”
“At two a.m.?”
“I get insomnia. Swimming helps. What are you doing in the pool now?”
“I, um… Well, you see… Yeah, insomnia too. Ha.”
“Olivia?”
I pretend to ignore him, but he isn’t deterred.
“Are you skinny-dipping?”
“What? No. It’s none of your business.”
“Damn Daisy and her damn ideas,” Chase mutters.
“Hey, this isn’t all on Daisy. Who would have thought anyone else would be swimming at this hour? Why do you keep seeing me naked? And Ryder, too.”
“Ryder?” Chase advances toward me. “When did he see you naked?” Spotlighted by the pool light now, he looks menacing, with several days of scruff and all those wet, glistening muscles.
I try to concentrate on his question. “Ryder didn’t see me naked, just naked-ish.”
“Olivia,” Chase says in warning.
“I was coming out of the bathroom in my towel, and he was in the living room at Daisy’s apartment, and my towel slipped a little. So, it was innocent, and I don’t think he actually saw anything. And I don’t know why this keeps happening. My previous twenty-five years were towel-incident-free.”
Chase’s tightened expression relaxes a little. “You’re very exasperating,” he remarks.
“You’re bossy. And obnoxious,” I charge back. “You haven’t been home all day, and suddenly, you go for a swim?”
“I’ve been playing catch-up on meetings I missed while I was filming.” He pauses. “So. What do you think of the water?” He asks, his voice going husky.
“It’s cold,” I lie. Right now, cold is the last thing I feel. I’m warm and tingly in interesting places and aching in others. I move deeper into the dark, as if I can hide the evidence that just being near Chase turns me on. “You shouldn’t be looking at me. Turn around.”
“Olivia, I can’t see a damn thing. You’re just a shadow in the corner.”
“Good.” I tread water, feeling naked emotionally as well as physically. Even in the dark, it’s as if everything in me is on display just for him. My annoying flaws, my deep hurts, and my obsessive crush.
“How…else does it make you feel?” he asks.
With each word spoken in his gravelly voice, he’s drawn just a little closer. He isn’t in touching distance yet, but I can make out the individual water beads on his strong neck. The droplets in his hair. The gold ring around those green eyes.
Vulnerable. That’s the answer to his question. I think about lying again. But Nanna’s advice echoes in me. Each time I take a risk, I break a little more of the hold fear has on me, and I’m led further into this adventure. There are no guarantees, no safety net.
And isn’t that the greatest risk?
The risk of being seen.
The risk of showing someone who I am and having them reject me anyway.
But what’s the other option?
To always stay hidden. In stories. In letters and texts. With the subterfuge of trying to be someone I’m not, to deny the things I feel.
I’ve been too afraid that my crush on Chase will show even more than it already has. I’ve been pretending everything is fine. That I’m the type of cool, casual girl who can hook up with a boy one weekend and then just be friends the next. No biggie, no aching heart. I’ve been lying to myself, and to Chase, too afraid to reveal the truth.
I’m not sure how I find my bravery, but I’m so done with hiding. With resolve that has me shaking, I slowly swim away from the shadows.
Toward Chase.
He’s close enough that I can hear his gasp of indrawn breath.
“How does it make me feel? Scared. Excited. Seen,” I whisper.
A few small movements, and I’m there before him. I’m still beneath the water, but in the silvery moonlight I wonder how much of me he can see now, if anything.
Only his gaze strays, flashing down my body briefly before shifting back up to meet my eyes. He swallows audibly.
We stay like that for I don’t know how long, both floating in the light, facing each other, only our eyes connecting. The world narrows to just the beat of my heart, the sound of our breaths. I don’t touch him; he doesn’t touch me.
“You can touch, you know.” His voice is a caress in all my most intimate places.
“What?” My heart stutters.
“Your feet can touch the bottom now. We’re at the shallow end,” he elaborates.
“Oh,” I say, feeling stupid, my mind on a different kind of touching.
I stop treading water and realize he’s right. It’s still deep, but my tiptoes can touch the pool floor.
A breeze chills my skin.
I think he might bridge the distance and touch me, kiss me. I hold my breath, waiting, wanting, but instead he steps back into the shadows and the moment is gone.
Feeling exposed and foolish now for everything I was thinking, everything I was hoping, I look away and spot my wrap near me at the side of the pool. I grab it and cover myself. The mesh-like fabric doesn’t hide everything, but it helps, giving me a layer of protection. We’re just friends, I tell myself. Friends swim together. Not usually naked, but still.
“I can get used to this,” I say, pretending a casualness I don’t feel, pretending I hadn’t just been wishing he would take me in his arms and kiss me.
“Used to what?” His voice sounds rough in the night.