Wait, who DID you lose your virginity to? (Yes, I am ending a sentence with a preposition, but that’s how urgently I need to know.) Did you tell the other person she’d deflowered you? I’ve always assumed that the Great Pool Boning of August 2000 was Martin’s first time, too, and I wouldn’t say it was magical, but it wasn’t a negative experience, which I think counts as a win?
I hope you are not disappointed to learn that I don’t find it shocking or embarrassing that you didn’t have sex until you were twenty. I beat you by, what, just a year or two?
Regarding our emailing versus my emailing with Martin, this situation feels pretty different. Because you and I are adults? And because he and I had hardly spoken outside the pool (or in the pool, for that matter) whereas you and I have before this correspondence had many deep conversations about cheese, panthers, and snakes. Hmm, maybe these aren’t such persuasive points after all. But I suspect unless either of us has changed dramatically in the last two years, we have a sense of what it’s like to talk to each other in the same room.
Although, since we have arrived at this somewhat weird juncture…I don’t know…do you have a handle on what we’re doing here? Can you tell I’m borrowing your ellipses right now? To…convey…my…laidback…chill…personality…
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 11:26 AM
subject: Actually
Nope, I can’t say that I have a handle on what we’re doing. But it’s fun, huh?
I lost my virginity to…I am white knuckling it here…a model named Brittain Smith. Brittain and I met at the premiere of a movie I had a song in and dated for just a few months. I much later seriously dated one other model, whose name is Maribel Johnson. For the record, those are the only two models I’ve ever dated, period. Not that I feel the need to justify it…in fact, it seems very sexist that anyone would automatically assume a relationship with a model is shallow. But the bigger reason I reacted badly when you said that thing in the bar about 22-year-old models is that when someone brings it up as a way of accusing me of being a playboy, it’s not only insulting but just plain wrong.
Send the marriage/mindfuck pdf!
from: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
to: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 5:12 PM
subject: Actually
This might seem off-topic, but in my experience, there are two kinds of TNO hosts. With the good kind, the mood preparing for a show is fun. Everyone is aware of the host’s higher status, and accordingly deferential, but we’re all trying to achieve the same goal. With bad hosts, the person’s status is the defining element of being in a room with them, because that’s clearly the lens through which they view life—they’re textbook narcissists. In that case, no matter how rude or unreasonable the host is, the TNO staff contorts itself to make sure they’re happy with every situation while also getting the show on air by Saturday at 11:30. That kind of host isn’t invited back. Even so, after their week, I feel dirty for having exerted a lot of energy to make them look good.
To be clear, you are 1000% not a noxious narcissist. But I can’t help starting to wonder why I’m trying so hard to entertain you (and to compliment you! and to assuage you!). Because you’re a celebrity? Who’s bored during the pandemic? And I’m lucky to get attention from you? Until a vaccine exists and you can go back to surfing in Costa Rica and singing to a stadium of 18,000 people?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 8:58 PM
subject: Actually
Sally, I’m really sorry if I’ve offended you. I’m confused because it feels like things just went off the rails, but I don’t know why. When I said I never want you to stop emailing me, did that make you think I’m taking you for granted? I intended to express the opposite. It is such a true joy to be in touch with you and I was trying to tell you how grateful I am and how awesome I think you are. I’m not disputing that I may have done something wrong here, but I’m not sure what it was.
If someone were to ask me, “Are you a celebrity?” my answer would be “Yes, I’m a celebrity.” If the question was “Does America have a fucked up love-hate relationship with celebrities?” my answer to that is “Definitely, yes.” Fame is kinda something I chose…albeit without fully understanding what I was choosing…and kinda something that chose me. It has huge advantages and some disadvantages, but at this point it’s just a fact of my life. When you point out that I’m a celebrity, you’re not revealing something I’m trying to conceal. And it isn’t a part of my identity that can be separated from the other parts. It’s not something I have the option of leaving at home on some days, like an umbrella.
All of that said, I’m a person to exactly the same degree you’re a person. I’m not a mannequin who stands on a stage and plays the guitar. Maybe my feelings, hopes, and worries aren’t identical to yours, but I hope I don’t need to convince you that I have feelings, hopes, and worries. The biggest bummer about your last email is the implication that I’m using you. I thought our emailing was mutual…mutually fun…and in the last few days when I have told you how into it I am, I was trying to compliment you, not make you feel like you are obligated to amuse me. Aren’t we all just looking for someone to talk about everything with? Someone worth the effort of telling our stories and opinions to, whose stories and opinions we actually want to hear?
from: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
to: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 10:15 PM
subject: Actually
1) You HAVE been in therapy, haven’t you? That’s an asshole’s way of saying I appreciate your very calm response to my half-crazy (75% crazy?) email that I have felt remorseful about ever since hitting Send. (Send is capitalized for a different reason from why Sentence 1 was capitalized in the first email I sent you—but maybe those will also be stories for another day?)
2) This is a weird question but do you remember when you were rehearsing the song Ambiguous at TNO and I sat near the stage and listened? And if you do remember, would you say you were serenading me?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 10:21 PM
subject: Actually
I remember that perfectly. And I’m happy to answer your question but what do you mean by serenading?
from: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
to: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 10:24 PM
subject: Actually
Were you trying to seduce me?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 10:33 PM
subject: Actually