He let me struggle in the deep end with figuring out what I want and was there. There to lend a hand. There to step in when I was too tired to keep myself afloat.
Theo hasn’t overstepped or tried to control me. He fit himself into my chaotic dynamic without complaint. I’m not sure if he did that on purpose, or if it just happened naturally, like it always has with us.
His thumb never stops brushing against mine, even as we enter the house. Even when we come face to face with his mom watching her Grey’s reruns on the couch.
“You two wanna sit down and watch an episode?”
He doesn’t make a show of what he says next. It comes out so easily. “Thanks, Ma. But I think we’re going to head to bed. Want me to walk you home?”
Loretta grins at us, borderline maniacally as her eyes land on our linked fingers. “Nope.” She slaps her thighs as she pushes to stand. “I think I can find my way, seeing as how it’s right next door.”
After a couple of quick hugs, through which Theo keeps a grip on my hand, she sees herself out.
Then he’s dragging me down the hallway. We go straight into my room, where he shoves me up against the door, slamming it shut as he drops his mouth to mine. His ability to go from joking around to stealing my breath is unmatched.
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back, smiling against his lips while his hands slide over my ass.
But only for a moment. Because we both hear it and freeze.
My head tips back on a groan. “Why is she so mellow all day and then so sensitive at night?”
Theo pecks my mouth quickly and smiles. “To intentionally terrorize you, most likely.”
“I’m going to get her back when she’s older.”
He lets out a low chuckle. “Petty. I like it. I’ll grab her and take some milk out of the freezer. You get ready for bed.”
“Sexy bed or regular bed?” I ask as he opens the door and heads across the hall.
“You could wear a nun’s habit and it wouldn’t stop me,” is what he tosses back before disappearing into Vivi’s darkened room.
I stand still, like my feet have grown roots to the floor. Theo’s deep murmurs filter back to me, along with Vivi’s cries that soften and come to a halt as he speaks to her.
Is this what it should be like?
Kisses and jokes?
An extra set of hands?
I’m struck by the moment because it’s so pedestrian. So normal. It’s not even movie worthy.
“Yes, there she is. Your mama.” His lips press against our daughter’s dark hair as he moves back into our room, holding her.
“Mama,” she garbles the word, but we still understand it. My arms reach out automatically as hers stretch toward me.
“Hi, Vivi baby.” I dust my nose over hers a few times as I gather her against my chest, basking in that baby scent I know won’t last.
“Here, Mama, get some snuggles. I’ll grab a bottle.”
My hand shoots out to capture Theo’s wrist, stopping him. “It’s okay. I can just feed her. We’re all tired.”
It’s not lost on me as we sit down next to each other on the edge of the bed that I haven’t breastfed in front of Theo. I haven’t pumped in front of Theo. That’s felt intensely personal. Like something I should hide from him, even though Loretta walked in the other day and didn’t give me a second glance when she asked, “Doll, do you have any gardening tools? I’m tackling the front beds at both houses today, but I can’t find one of those little handheld shovels.”
I told her to try the shed, and she gave me a thumbs up before walking back out.
Bodies don’t make me uncomfortable, and I don’t generally feel shy about my own. It’s just . . . Vivi’s nursing has been solely ours since the day she was born. Something we did in the middle of the night while it was quiet, or pulled over in a random parking lot when she wouldn’t stop crying. Sometimes, in a carrier while I attempted to make myself something to eat, so my breast milk was nutritious and not just glorified coffee.
I pull down the strap of my dress and glance over at Theo, but he’s not gawking at my body. Instead, his eyes linger on my face.
“What was it like when she was born? Did she nurse right away?”
My heart twists and I take this as my turn to trace my thumb over the pulse point in his wrist. “Yeah, from day one. It fucking hurt at first too. I cried when she latched for the first bit.”
“But you don’t cry.” He winks at me, and I roll my eyes. Those two motions are like our secret handshake at this point.
“What else?”
“Hmm. It was such a blur. I was so tired but couldn’t sleep. I’d wake myself up even when she was still sleeping to check if she was still breathing. My left breast produced so much milk that it squirted her in the eye once.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Really?”
We glance down at her, now straddling me, latched on, holding my breast like it’s a bottle. “I think I could have fed an entire village of babies off my left side alone. It’s the real MVP.”
“Is that why the freezer is full of breastmilk?”
I snort. “Yeah, and I’ve donated over half to the hospital.”
“Really?”
I nod, watching Vivi’s thick lashes get heavy, her blinks getting slow and languid.
“I wish I’d been there.”
God. My chest caves in on itself in a Theo-shaped hole.
“I feel like I’ve missed so many moments that I’ll never get back.”
My hand squeezes in a pulse on his wrist. “You won’t, but you’ll get new ones.”
“I’m trying hard not to overstep with her or be overbearing. You two feel so established, like this tight little duo. Teammates.”
“You might even say . . . business partners?”
Theo snickers, bumping his shoulder against mine.
“You and your damn business partners.” He gives her knee a soft rub before turning thoughtful again. “No, I just don’t want to come between you two. I feel like an interloper in this private world you’ve created. But I just . . . I could stare at her forever. You know? I keep going back to my place at the end of every day, but I feel like I’m in the wrong house.”
When I peek down at Vivi again, she’s nursed herself to sleep. Her tiny hands have gone soft, fingers falling open.
“I feel the same way,” I whisper. “Here.” I lift her carefully as I turn to Theo and gently put his daughter into his arms. “I have an idea.”
His head quirks, but he doesn’t argue. Instead, he sits on the edge of my bed, holding our daughter, wearing a suit, looking so damn good it hurts. Literally, the back of my throat, my chest, my stomach—they all ache.
I head to the en suite bathroom where I wash my face, brush my teeth, pull out a spare toothbrush for Theo, and change into a pair of gray jersey Calvin Klein shorts with an oversized matching crewneck.
When I come back to the bedroom, my body thrums at the sight of Theo. I get up on the bed and kneel behind him, hands on his broad shoulders as I stare down at Vivi’s perfect little doll face.
On the one hand, I feel like I barely know Theo. On the other, there’s this comfort with him. This sense of knowing. I can’t explain it. All I know is I’ve never felt it. Maybe it’s because we made a whole new human being together, but I think it’s more.
I think even without Vivi, we might have ended up back in each other’s lives.
I think he would have made sure of it.
And that thought warms me from the tips of my toes to the little fizzy sensation behind my ears. Theo Silva barely knew me but never forgot me. He never gave up on me. He was coming for me with a single-mindedness that I can’t understand.
And maybe I don’t need to.
Maybe now it’s my turn to let him in.
“She’s perfect, right?” I rest my chin on his shoulder.
“Perfect.” His finger traces her nose, over her pudgy cheek, and around the shell of her ear.
“I put a toothbrush out for you in the bathroom.”
“Okay,” is his quiet reply, but he makes no move to leave his spot on the bed. We stare at her for I don’t know how long. Then I watch him lift her and get a close-up view of him dusting a soft kiss to her forehead.
My mouth goes dry, because an hour ago he bent me over and made me blush harder than I ever have. And now he’s all bulging muscles and sweet kisses while he dotes on our daughter.
And it is the most intoxicating combination.
He twists, handing her over to me, not failing to kiss my forehead. And then he pads away quietly, appearing introspective.
Sad and happy.
I keep thinking this entire thing has to feel overwhelming to him, but he’s given no sign of that being the case. He just keeps showing up with a smirk and a wink. Every damn day.
Carefully, I turn on the bed, lying Vivi down in the center before putting my head down on the pillow with a deep sigh.
Today was . . . a lot.
My eyes grow heavy as soon as I go horizontal, but the click of Theo flicking the bathroom light off draws me back to waking.
He just stands there—untucked dress shirt, chiseled jaw, furrowed brow—staring at the bed like he’s confused about what to do next.
“Theo. Come to bed.”
“Really? With both of you?” Insecurity flashes on his face.