Vivienne laughs and continues running her hands over his face. And gah, I can’t even blame her.
“Yeah,” I lie. “You?”
“Not especially.” His face morphs into a more solemn expression as he glances down at her again. “So, what led you to pick Vivienne?”
I chug back a hot gulp of coffee. Yes, more coffee. Why am I so emotional? I need to get this shit on lock before I go back to work in a few months. If I cry while I deliver bad news to people, I might as well quit.
“Um . . .” I glance around the room, feeling like I might be stronger if I don’t have to look at them. “It means ‘alive’ and, well . . . she made me feel alive again. She made it when my last baby didn’t. And it felt like a good adult name, you know? Like she could be prime minister with a name like that.”
Theo hums happily and smiles down at Vivienne. “Prime minister? Good for you, girl. I can’t wait to tell people my daughter is the prime minister.”
Breathe, Winter.
I laugh to cover the emotion welling at the back of my throat. How dare he be so . . . him. “Of course, I never considered that feeling alive would also be so exhausting. Or that I’d want nothing more than for no one to touch me, even just for an hour. Or that I’d never bathe alone again.” A shrill laugh leaps from my lips, a sad attempt to cover the emotion in my voice.
Theo’s dark eyes glance up at me. “Go take a bath, Winter.”
“What?”
“Take that coffee and go run yourself a bath. Close the door. Put some music on. Watch some porn. Go have a moment to yourse—”
I bark out a laugh. “You did not just tell me that. In front of a young, impressionable mind, no less.”
The grin he hits me with is pure knowing. He knows what he does to me, I’m sure of it. The way his eyes peruse my body is proof. I don’t think I’m the only one who vividly remembers that night.
“Tink, please. I might not know you all that well, but I have a sinking suspicion that the future prime minister’s first word might be fuck.”
I bite down on my lip to hide the smile. Solo motherhood has turned me into a fucking trucker. I can’t even deny it.
“Go. I’ve got her. We’ll stay right here and wait for you.”
I glare at him.
“To finish.”
Asshole. I glare harder, but the desperately touched-out part of me screams, Do it! Take the bath!
“You know what? Yes, I’m going to go. I haven’t had a bath alone in nine months.”
“Good. Enjoy yourself.”
“If she cries . . .”
“We will be fine. All my older cousins have a million babies. I used to babysit.”
“I just fed her, so she should be fine.”
He smiles, all warm and gooey.
“Look. I haven’t left her alone with anyone except Harvey and Sloane’s mom, Cordelia.”
“Not even your parents?”
I glance away. “No. That’s complicated.”
“Listen, if you’re not comfortable, I can leave. I don’t want to barge in here and demand time you aren’t ready to give. This must be weird for you.”
For me. That’s the final straw. Tears build in a way that is impossible to stop.
All my life, not a single person has prioritized how things might feel for me. And here is this man I barely know, prioritizing me.
I force a watery smile. “I can’t think of a single better person to watch her right now.”
He nods, eyes scanning me just a little too closely.
I nod back and head to the bathroom to cry in my bath.
And maybe watch some porn.
15
Winter
Winter: He’s here. He knows.
Sloane: How did he take it? Is that why we did a B&E? To get his number?
Winter: Yup. Except someone else had his phone just to manage social media and never told him.
Sloane: Shit. Are you okay?
Winter: I’m taking a hot bath. Drinking a hot coffee. I’m in shock. But also heaven.
Sloane: You deserve it.
Winter: Do I?
Sloane: Yes. Hot baths and a hot baby daddy. You deserve the world.
Winter: He really is hot.
Sloane: Hotter with a baby I bet.
Winter: You have no idea.
When I walk down the hallway, I expect mayhem. Tears and frustration. A desperate plea for help because he’s out of his depth. I stayed in the tub with my noise-canceling headphones on until the water was cold, and it still felt luxurious.
So shit has to be falling apart.
But no.
Theo is laid out on the couch, his good arm slung behind his head, which makes his bicep bulge in a very distracting way. Vivi is sprawled across his chest, looking like a koala who’s climbing a tree that is too big for her to reach around. Her red, heart-shaped lips are just a little bit open, and his arm that should be in a sling is folded beside him, one broad palm splayed over her back.
There’s some sort of car race playing on the TV, but Theo is staring at Vivi.
Something about the moment feels profoundly special. He’s missed a lot of moments, a lot of firsts. And this is her first nap on him.
I yank my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and snap a photo. The warm light gives it a dusty vintage effect. They look so peaceful.
“Hi,” I whisper as I walk over to them.
Theo glances up at me but does a double take.
“What?”
“You just . . .” His lips roll together. “You look beauti—different.”
I almost smirk. Beautidifferent.
“Well, I put on some makeup. How is she?”
He stares back down at her. “Perfect.”
I feel weird hovering, so I sit on the coffee table next to them and hold my phone in front of Theo to show him the photo. “If you give me your number, I’ll send it to you.”
His thumb swipes over Vivi’s back in a soothing arc. “I’d like that. I feel . . .”
I stare down at my phone. “I know. You must hate me. And that’s okay. I think deep down I don’t blame you. Maybe I should have gone crazy and told everyone. Been more spiteful, ya know? I tried giving less fucks and it backfired kind of spectacularly.”
“Winter, I do not hate you.” His voice is soft but sure, but I still can’t bring myself to look at him. “You did plenty. You did more than enough.”
“You have to say that because I’m the mother of your child.”
“I—”
I hold a hand up. “I know you wouldn’t have signed up for fatherhood. But I . . . really wanted this. Not how it came about, maybe. I mean, how cliché is a broken condom? But a baby? Theo,” my voice cracks, “I really wanted a baby. I have no regrets.”
“What makes you think I don’t want this?”
I let my eyes trail over the beautiful man on my couch, with our baby girl laid over his heart. “Not at this point in your life. And not with me. You’ll never convince me otherwise.”
His features harden, a steely glint flashing in his eyes. “What makes you think I wouldn’t want this with you?”
I scoff, wiping away a stray tear again.
Fuck my life and all this crying.
“Sorry, I never cry.”
A smile touches his lips. “Yes, I can see that.”
“Shut up.” I swipe again, turning away to stare out the front window.
“I feel like I’ve missed a lot of firsts, Winter. That’s what I was going to say. I feel like an interloper, but I don’t want to. I wish I’d been there to see her grow. To see you grow. To be at the birth.”
I sniff. “Willa took a very graphic video. I can show you sometime.”
“I would love that.”
“It’s not sexy.” I side-eye him and he scrunches his brow. “It will ruin any splendid memories of my vagina you might have.”
“Nah. That’s impossible. Those memories are why my right forearm is bigger than my left.”
I roll my eyes and bite back my laugh. “You’re impossible to deter.”
He grins. “Yes.”
“I’m happy to have you around, Theo. I would never, ever keep you from her. After what I grew up in, I just want her to be surrounded by so much love. You know?”
“Of course. We’re on the same page.” His voice, his words—they’re like a firm hug. They instantly make me feel better.
Vivi stirs, drawing our attention, and for a few beats we both just . . . baby gaze.
“We’re going to have to tell people soon.”
“Yeah,” he says in a rough voice. “I already told my mom. I hope that’s okay.”
“What did she say?” Panic seeps in. God, what must this woman think of me?
“That I’ve got some catching up to do. And that she can’t wait to see you.”
“Vivi, you mean? Yeah, that will be nice.”
He peers up at me. “No, Winter. You. She can’t wait to meet you.” He’s being serious again, and I want to squirm under the intensity of his stare.
“That should be interesting.” I laugh. “Hope she’s not too disappointed.”
But Theo doesn’t follow suit. Instead, he scowls at me. “I could fucking bury whoever made you believe you’re as unlovable as you seem to think.”
I stand and swipe at the front of my jeans, smoothing invisible wrinkles. “Yes, well, I’ve had years to bask in this feeling, so I don’t think burying anyone will help.”
“We’ll see,” he grumbles, the vibration in his chest enough to make Vivi’s eyes flutter open.
“Good nap, Vivi?” I ask, my voice swapping to a softer one.
She yawns, body tensing as she stretches out like a happy cat in a sunbeam. Theo has a way of making a girl feel like that when he turns his attention to her.