“When’s the last time you slept more than a few hours?” I questioned, which had his vibrant, bedroom eyes sliding to lock with mine.
“Honestly, I don’t remember when I slept last.” Guilt radiated through me as I nodded. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about what happened. It would’ve happened with or without you here. Knox would’ve still sent the soldiers out to find the caravan lost in the passes. Lore would have still requested to go since most were women, and you know how he is. Hecate would have still been there and captured Lore. The only difference would have been, you’d have traded yourself before you ever let Knox do so. If that happened, it would be a disaster for everyone, Aria. If Hecate got to you, it would be game-over,” he warned.
“I still should have been here, Brander. If I’d known going into the mountains would make me lose months? I’d have fallen off the damn dragon to stop from being flown up there.”
“Back up, Aria,” Killian demanded as he placed a cauldron and several herbs on the table beside it. I stepped back, but his tawny head shook. “You said dragons, as in plural? And you rode a dragon? Not his prick, but on his back?” I nodded in reply, which caused his lips to curve into a devastating smile.
“I missed you, assholes, and I was only gone days,” I admitted, slowly sidling up to Killian. Stepping on my tiptoes, I kissed his cheek. “You are a good herb hunter,” I purred raspily, which had Brander snorting loudly.
“I go grab the map to show her where Knox frequents, and you grabbed herbs? Yet you got the kiss on the cheek, fucker,” Brander mumbled under his breath.
He spread out a large map , which drew me closer to it, knowing I’d see where Knox had been while I was gone. Grabbing the pestle and mortar, I strode to the map, then exhaled a shuddered breath.
“He went to the palace where my people are?” I whispered as a new type of pain tried to take control of my emotions. Forcing them down, I turned, eyeing the herbs. Not all had been for Lore, but I’d needed something to numb the pain.
“No, but he almost caught the girls outside of the palace. I’m not sure how they escaped, but they thankfully managed to do so before he could harm them. Avyanna, Sabine, and Soraya and a few others were there,” Brander stated. “When he went to her, he presumed she’d be able to access his mind. He was wrong. Knox began leveling entire keeps similar to what you were doing. It’s been a fucking mess, Aria. One huge, chaotic mess.”
I meticulously studied the map, noting the path he took. “Does he take the same path every time?” They’d marked the large map with colored pins. Some locations had several poked into the leather, while other places had only one. Dread knotted my stomach, even as it twisted.
“Yeah, but we can’t discern the pattern or why he’s continuously looping around this area.” Brander pointed to the Swamplands, then the Valley of the Red River. Bile pressed against the back of my throat as I closed my eyes against what I knew he was doing. “Once he’s finished whatever it is he’s doing, then he goes back to V?kya.”
“He goes to the Kingdom of Unwanted Beasts, then through the passes of the Dark Mountain. He veers to the Beltane Circle, then back to the border. Once Knox finishes those places, he moves toward the Valley of the Dead. It’s everywhere he found me throughout the realms. Knox’s looking for me,” I whispered as nausea surged inside my stomach. If what they said was true, and it wasn’t Knox anymore, then I was in trouble. “She’s sending him to kill me. Hecate wins either way. Either I end his life, or he ends mine.”
The mere idea of killing him sent me off the rails. As if I were a runaway train who’d jumped the tracks. Barreling aimlessly toward catastrophe. My death would never be at Knox’s hands. I wouldn’t allow him to ever carry that burden. I wouldn’t allow the hands that once cradled me as if I was something precious, to use violence to take my existence away in such a manner. The sharp, elongated incisors which had left their mark so profoundly in my flesh, that they’d embedded his claim on my soul. Those oceanic-eyes that I’d weathered the storm he’d become, tossing in their endless depths as he’d sent me drifting afloat in their treacherous waters.
Tears filled my eyes, then slowly trickled free as they slid down my cheeks. I couldn’t be me and succeed in freeing Knox from Hecate’s clutches. I’d have to change into something else entirely. There could be no emotions to make me reckless, or fraught with them governing my actions, decisions. Grief of losing him couldn’t rack my mind, or heart. The agonizing, debilitating torment that gripped endlessly for control, would have to die. If I were to survive this, I’d need to be emotionless, untouchable. If I were to survive what was needed from me, I’d have to shut them all off. Closing my eyes as the last sob escaped, I forced myself to shut-off everything I’d been. Then, one-by-one, I began to compartmentalize each one, slowly eradicating them from self.
I locked it all down, including the brutal pain.
I declined to let fear in, or to have control of me. I’d be afraid later, but fear wouldn’t bring Knox back.
I disengaged from the love I felt for him, expunging it from my mind and heart. Later, I’d remember how I’d loved him, which would remind me that he’d been real.
I swallowed down the hopelessness losing him forced me to feel, choking as it trickled down my throat.
I permitted anguish a fleeting second more, loathing the way it caused my mind to break, shattering my resolve, then I violently shoved it away.
I forced grief to release me, to free me from the horrid grip it held around my throat, blocking the air from reaching my lungs. One day, I’d allow myself to grieve the loss of the man I’d loved, but it wasn’t today.
As everything detached, I permitted my psychosis to fuel me with new emotions. Then, I let new emotions enter. Wrath. Disdain. Abhorrence. Indifference. Bitterness. Self-loathing. Rage. Contempt. Resentment. It was all that was left now. I wrapped myself within the cloak of it, slowly allowing the new, harder, more savage blanket of emotions to adjust over my tender flesh.
I let them all crash into one harsh mindset of pure determination. I’d need the grit they’d lend me. The others could wait until I’d gotten Knox back from the evil whore who thought she could take him from me. Turning around, I discovered every single person I’d told to wait had followed behind me. They were all staring as I returned a lifeless, emotionless grin, which only made those who knew me, flinch.
I’d thought I was coming back to claim a kingdom, and prepare to end the life of a goddess. Instead, I’d be fighting against the man I’d fallen in love with. The entire room went silent around me. The cold, merciless bitch was hoping Knox would end me, and she’d get her happy ever after with my beast. I’d be damned if I allowed her to get her ending. Not if I didn’t end up with my beast, and the library. I’d show that sadistic bitch just how wicked beauty could be for her beloved beast.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Aria