A shaky laugh escapes me. The sound is so wrong with a lifeless body so close, but I can’t seem to control myself. At this point, my only options are laughing or crying, and I refuse to do the latter.
Kai studies my face, seeming to see the battle raging within me. Without a word, he wraps an arm around my middle and helps me to my feet. I know I should push him away, should tell him I don’t need his help. But I’m weak in far more ways than one, and his closeness is my only comfort right now.
He guides me to a stump and sits me down, crouching to look up into my face. “Pae,” he speaks the syllable so softly, “stay here and calm down. Just breathe, all right? You’re still in shock.”
I nod numbly as he assesses me again. His gaze never strays from my own as he slowly raises a hand to slide his fingers over mine, seeming to search for something. They halt on the cold steel around my finger before spinning the ring idly, mirroring a movement I’m all too familiar with. “Distract yourself. Spin this like you always do to keep busy, to keep your mind off things.”
I blink at him, shocked that he knows my habits, knows how to help me. I’m stunned at how calm and collected he is after killing someone, though I shouldn’t be. He was raised for this, molded into a murderer who’s numb to the death he doles out. I suppress a shudder at the thought of the horrors this haunted boy has committed. The horrors he’s endured.
Kai stands to leave. “I’m going to go...clean this up. I’ll be back soon. And for once,” he sighs, “listen to me and stay put.”
And then he’s gone, leaving me to spin my ring restlessly.
Chapter Thirty
Paedyn
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t listen to him. As soon as my ass got numb from sitting on that bloody stump, I stood and paced circles around our camp before splashing cold water from the creek on my face and body. Then my ass got cold, and I moved next to the fire to lie down on the hard ground I’m so familiar with.
I refused to watch as Kai lifted Sadie’s body over his shoulder and stalked off with her. Where he dumped her, I have no idea. And I don’t want to know, I realized. But I let my thoughts wander while he wanders around the woods with a dead body slung over his shoulder.
I watch the dying fire from where I lay on my side, the crook of my arm tucked under my head making for an uncomfortable pillow. My breathing is now under control, the shaking from leftover adrenaline and shock now faded. I might have been lying here for hours if I cared to try and keep track of time.
A shadow suddenly sweeps over me, belonging to the someone now crouching behind.
I grip the handle of Sadie’s knife and flip around in one swift movement, bringing the tip of the blade to the throat of whoever decided it was a smart idea to creep up on me. My eyes crash into stormy ones, looking amused rather than afraid.
“Easy,” Kai murmurs, gently wrapping a rough hand around my wrist and pulling the dagger away from him. “It’s just me.” The corner of his mouth twists up as he says, “Although, I doubt that knowledge would stop you from keeping this blade to my throat.”
I manage a slight smile at the thought, running a hand through my tangled hair as I look up at him crouching beside me. “Since we’re partners now, you don’t have to worry about me stabbing you for the time being.”
He lets out a deep chuckle, and I hope the dim light hides most of my smile at the sound. “And when we aren’t partners anymore? Should I fear for my life?”
“That would be wise, yes.”
I just barely hear him mutter, “Vicious, little thing.”
We are quiet for a moment, and my smile begins to slowly fade. I’m tired and surprisingly comfy on the packed earth, so I don’t bother moving as I say, “Did you—”
“Yes,” he cuts me off, sparing me from having to speak about Sadie’s body.
My gaze snags on his hands and the thin layer of dirt covering them. It’s under his nails, splattered up his arms. A dusting of yellow on his fingertips catches my eye, a fine powder staining his skin.
Dirt. Pollen.
My voice is little more than a whisper. “You buried her.”
Kai stills beside me.
“Not only that,” my eyes slowly slide up to meet his, “you laid flowers on her grave.”
His smile is almost sad, filled with fatigue. “Nothing gets past you, Little Psychic.” He reaches out a hand then, flicking the very tip of my nose like he’d done when we danced. Somehow, the simple action feels far more intimate than I care to admit, as though he is sharing something precious with me, saying something without uttering a single word.
I catch his hand before he pulls away, trying to ignore the feel of his callouses against my own. “Thank you, Kai. That was good of you to do that for her.”
His lips twitch, and his eyes drop to our joined hands before trailing back to mine. “Oh, I didn’t do it for her.”
The intensity in his gaze makes me swallow, but I don’t look away. I don’t want to look away. He runs his thumb over my knuckles, the action so soothing, so gentle.
He cocks his head to the side, inspecting me. “How are you feeling?” I open my mouth, but Kai beats me to my rehearsed response. “And don’t bother saying that you’re fine, because we both know that’s a lie.”
Another stroke of his thumb across my knuckles.
“I...” My eyes flutter closed, and I take a deep breath. “I’m feeling like I almost died today. I’m feeling overwhelmed and in over my head. I’m feeling furious and frustrated because I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I pause while Kai waits patiently for me to continue. “And I’m feeling like I owe you a thank you. I would have died today if it weren’t for you saving me.”
He leans closer, eyes brimming with barely bottled-up emotions. “And I’ll save your life again and again, aimlessly hoping you will allow me to stay in it.”
We stare at each other.
Those pretty words of his have my heart pounding, brain puzzling over possible meanings. The tension between us is tangible, taking my breath away as he takes me in. I’m grasping for something, anything, to say, but I’m too busy staring to think straight.
And then a quiet question slips past my lips, snapping the tension between us. “How are you so calm after all this?”
I know the answer, and yet, I find myself wanting to hear it from his own lips. “I didn’t always used to be like this,” he says softly. “But practice makes perfect, and I’ve had a lot of it.”
We stare silently at one another, and once again, I’m struggling for something to say. Then I remember the leather strap I had stolen from him and slip my hand out of his to pull it from my pocket. “Well, I suppose this is the only way I can repay you. Though, it’s yours to begin with.”
He gives me a lazy shrug. “Keep it.”
I huff. “I don’t want your pity.”