“I can’t love him.” I say the words. My voice is almost a whisper as it dawns on me that I went and fucking fell in love with him. “This is me getting him out of my system.” I look at Clarabella, who just nods her head at me without telling me sure it is.
“That is what this is.” I look over at Addison, who smiles at me almost like, you poor thing. I get up, the chair flying back. “I’m not in love with him,” I tell them both, wrapping up the frame in the white box. “This is…” I try to think of the words to say. “Nothing.” I look at both of them as I put the cover on the box and walk around my desk. My body is filled with endless nerves. I grab my purse, picking it up, “I’m,” I say, looking at them, “I’ll see you both tomorrow. Good night.”
“It’s ten a.m.,” Addison states and Clarabella just claps her hands together as she bursts out laughing.
“Call me if you need anything,” I tell Addison and storm out, pissed at myself for letting this get to me again.
“Unbelievable,” I mumble as I toss my purse on the seat beside me and then put the white box on top of it.
I don’t even know how long it takes me to get home, but I park in the garage when I do. I leave the box and my purse in the car before walking into the house. The phone pings in my hand, and I see it’s from Matthew
Did you like the gift?
“No,” I tell myself, “no, I did not.” My fingers are on the keypad, ready to answer him.
What gift? In meetings back-to-back. Have three bride meetings today, will only finish really late. I’ll call you when I’m done.
I press send before I walk straight upstairs to my bedroom. The covers are still all messed up from this morning when we had sex as soon as my alarm started ringing. I kick off my heels and undress before I strip the bed and wash the sheets. My phone rings a couple of times, and every time, it’s Matthew. The sun goes down, and I make sure all the blinds are closed around the house. I sit in the middle of my bed with the television on, but the sound as low as can be. The phone on the night side table with unanswered texts from Matthew.
Do you want to come here after work?
Swung by the office to drop off something to eat. Where are you?
Can you call me?
I ignore the phone calls. I ignore the text messages. I ignore it all. Lying in bed, I watch the hours tick by when I hear my phone ringing at midnight, right before the knock on my door. “Fuck,” I mouth without saying anything.
“Sofia,” he says my name as I sneak down the stairs, trying not to make a sound. “If you don’t open the door,” he warns, his voice clear as day, “I’m calling your grandfather and telling him I can’t find you.” I close my eyes, wondering if he would really do that. “I don’t have his number, but I’m sure I can get a hold of someone.” I finally step down the last step. “Maybe if I speak into the Ring camera,” he says, and I shake my head, knowing he’s not going to go away. “Open the door, Sofia.”
I unlock the door and slowly open the door. “Fuck,” Matthew hisses. “Thank God you’re okay.” He walks in and grabs me around my waist, burying his face in my neck. “I was so worried.” He puts me down, and I stare at him. “Were you here all night long?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply softly.
“Why the silence?” He asks the question, his voice as soft as mine.
“Because I didn’t feel like talking to you,” I answer him honestly.
He looks into my eyes, searching for something. “Care to tell me why?”
“No.” I shake my head at the same time I say the word.
“What’s going on?” His eyes never leave mine.
I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I speak the words I’ve been repeating to myself all night. Ignoring how the pain in my chest is even stronger now that I’m actually saying them to him and not just in my head.
He folds his arms over his chest. “Define this?”
I throw up my hands. “Me, you, the sex.” I swallow the lump that has crawled up from my stomach to my throat. “All of it.” He shakes his head. “You can’t just shake your head,” I snap. “I slept with you to get you out of my system.” Saying the words I hope will hurt him enough that he just lets me be. That he just goes, and we can be done with whatever this is.
“How is that working out for you?” His question confuses me. “How is getting me out of your system working for you?” He puts his hands on his hips. “Because I’ll tell you right now.” The sting of tears threatens to come, so I blink them away. “I thought I loved you before.” He shakes his head. “Like I knew I loved you when I was an immature idiot.” He takes a step closer to me, closing the distance between us. “But now.” His face goes from a smirk to a full-blown smile. “Now that I’ve been with and without you, I can safely say I love you more.” I want to tell him to stop talking, but nothing comes out of me. “It just cemented everything.”
“Ugh, oh my God, Matthew.” I finally get the courage to say something, and I’m thankful it’s not coming out with me sobbing. “You can’t just say things like that.”
“Why not?” The age-old question.
“Because I said so.” I look at him, and all he does is laugh at me.
“Can we go to bed yet?” he asks softly. “I’ve been driving around town the last four hours. I’m exhausted.” Why does that make my heart skip a beat? Why does everything he says make my heart flutter? Why? Oh, I know why, because I love it.
“I’m going to bed in my bed and you are going to your bed.” I point at him.
He just looks at me. “Then go pack a bag.” He points at the stairs and in the direction of my bedroom.
“I don’t want to pack a bag.” I almost stomp my foot, and he just shrugs.
“Okay, fine.” He turns and I somehow think he’s leaving, which makes me internally freak out even more. Instead of leaving, he shuts the door and then turns to walk to the stairs.
“I’m not leaving.”
“Why?” I don’t even know why I’m asking him this but I can’t help myself.
He comes back and stands in front of me, his hand coming out to cup my cheek. His thumb rubs my cheekbone back and forth. My breaths are coming in short pants as I wait for him to speak. The words finally come out in a soft breath. “Because you’re here.”
matthew
I stand in front of her, my hand coming up to cup her cheek, because I need to touch her after driving around for the last four hours looking for her. Searching in every single parking lot I passed by to look for her car, afraid she finally ran away from me. Afraid she would never let me see her again. I can’t even put into words how desperate I was. Having her face in my hand, I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. She has tried to push me away every single day since I forced myself back into her life. But she needs to finally hear it, needs to feel it, needs to know it. “Because you’re here.” My voice is as strong as it can be without it cracking.
I see her eyes blink a million times a minute, so I know she’s fighting it back. Know she doesn’t want to give in. “Sofia.” Her name is on my lips all the time now. “We can go as slow as you want.” I don’t let my eyes roam from hers. “But at the end of the day, Sofia.” I swallow the lump and fear down. Fear that she won’t give in to what she wants. Fear she won’t forgive me for throwing her away. Fear I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life without her, no matter how much I push her. “All I want is to be by your side.”