I would give anything to make sure she’s alright. I would literally kill if it means I could save her.
She’s loaded onto a gurney when we get to St. Mary’s Memorial and rolled into one of the emergency rooms. I follow her in and bark at a nurse who tells me that I need to stay out. It isn’t until I see Emily that I calm down a little.
“Uri,” she says urgently, rushing over to me, “I’m gonna take care of her, okay? But you need to wait out here.”
“No,” I growl. “I’m coming in.”
“That wouldn’t be helpful. I can’t look after you and help Alyssa at the same time. Now, please, stay here and I’ll send a nurse with an update.”
She has to physically push me out of the room. I spend the next half-hour pacing the corridor outside the emergency room like a caged animal, my thoughts going haywire.
Is this my fault? Is my anger going to cost me Alyssa’s trust? Will my pride cost me my unborn children?
But no matter how many times I ask the questions or how many laps I do in the lobby, there are no answers to be found.
“Uri.”
I whip around to see Emily. I hadn’t even noticed her exit the emergency room. “Is she okay?”
She gives me a reassuring smile. “She’s fine. Stable for now. Everything looks good.”
“Everything?” I repeat. “Does that mean…?”
“The babies are good, too. There was some fetal distress, but I managed to get in there in time. Alyssa and the babies are all going to be fine.”
The relief that floods my body is so powerful that I have to sit down for a second. Emily follows me to the chairs set up against the wall and takes the seat next to me.
“She’s being moved to a room in the ward. You’ll be able to see her there in a few minutes.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
She puts her hand on my shoulder. “Uri… we’re not joking when we say that pregnant women need to avoid stress during their pregnancies. She needs to be in a state of calm if she’s going to carry those children to term. And you have to help with that.”
“I know. Fuck, I know.”
“Good. I won’t lecture you anymore. Now, take a deep breath and go and see your family.”
Family. That word puts shit into perspective, whether I like it or not. It also forces me to come to another realization, one that I’ve been trying to avoid for some time now.
When Chekhov appeared at my door, when I saw the blood, when I carried Alyssa into my arms and brought her here… my first and only thoughts were for her. I was worried about the babies, of course, but my primary concern was for her.
Fuck.
Once I’ve taken the breath that Emily advised, I make my way to the ward where Alyssa was moved. She’s lying on the bed, hooked up to a machine that’s reading her pulse and pressure. She still looks pale and fragile. But her eyes are cracked open a fraction—searching. Hoping.
“Alyssa,” I rasp, sweeping towards her bedside.
I’ve been a fool. I’ve been a brute and an asshole. I’ve blamed her for my mistakes, my shortcomings.
I’ve blamed her for the fact that I can’t seem to get her out of my head or my heart.
It may have taken the risk of losing her to make me realize it, but at least I can see the light now. It’s time to stop being the childish thug I have been. It’s time to make things right.
It’s time to man the fuck up and protect what’s mine.
20
URI
Alyssa’s eyes settle on me hazily. She blinks a couple of times as though she can’t be sure that I’m standing in front of her. I don’t blame her—she has no reason to believe I’d be here to hold her hand in the aftermath.
I step closer and lower my face to hers. “You’re alright. So are the babies.”
“Both?” she murmurs.
“Both.”
She closes her eyes so tight that it squeezes the tears out. When she opens them again, she lets out a deep breath. The color on her cheeks eases with the inhale. =
“How do you feel?” I ask.
“Scared,” she admits. “Relieved. Nervous. Worried. All of the above.”
“Don’t be. Emily knows what she’s doing. She said you’d be fine and I believe her.”
“I don’t know what happened. One minute, I was okay and the next thing I knew, I was bleeding all over the sheets…”
I take her hand and her eyes snap down. She looks startled by the contact. “It was my fault,” I say softly. “I should have put all my energy into making you feel safe and calm. Instead, I chose to punish you for something that was never your fault.”
Her eyes go wide. She stares at me silently for a long time. “Am I… dreaming?”
I wince. “No. You’re not.” I squeeze her hand just to prove it.
Another tear rolls down her cheek. “Do you really mean that?”
“Yes. I know this is too little, too late, but I’m sorry for everything I said to you. About Polly. About Lev, too. I know your intention was never to cause them harm.”
Her bottom lip trembles. “I care about both of them a lot, you know.”
“I do know that.”
“And you didn’t have to blame me. I blame myself.”
“Alyssa—”
“No.” Her words stumble over a sob but she keeps going anyway. “I should never have involved Polly. It was asking too much of a fourteen-year-old. And Lev… I should have left him behind. I should have stayed put when he insisted on following me.”
I shake my head. “It’s not your fault, Alyssa. I know that will be hard for you to accept from me because of how often I threw blame at your feet, but I can only say that I was wrong. I was angry and scared and I felt helpless. I’m not used to feeling helpless.”
Her irises are lost behind a haze of unshed tears. “I want you to know that I would do anything to take her place.” My body rejects the very idea, but I don’t interrupt her. “I asked the Russians to take me instead. I begged them. But they just took Polly and left.”
I glance towards the monitors. Her pressure is climbing steadily. “Listen to me,” I say, engulfing her hand in both of mine. “You did what you could. This is not your fault, Alyssa. I’ll repeat it as many times as I need to until you believe me.”
She swallows. Her throat looks so delicate and vulnerable with the motion, with all these wires running into her and machines chirping on all sides. “Polly was the first person I told.”
My eyebrows pull together. “About what?”
“The babies,” she explains, glancing off towards the window as though she’s watching a play-by-play of the memory. “Well… baby. I didn’t know I was having twins at the time.”
“You told her?”