“He made it seem like we could do anything together, but when we were finally put to the test, we failed.”
I failed. Instead of valuing myself enough to walk away, I stayed because I stupidly didn’t want to quit a relationship that I had invested so much time into. But it didn’t matter anyway because little by little, Oliver pulled away, leaving me to grapple with my grief over never having a child of my own.
I pick at my cuticles. “Things took a turn for the worse after the prenup and the medical test, although I put on a brave face and shelved my pain while the cameras were rolling because I love my job and the people I work with, and the last thing I wanted to do was give it all up because of him.”
Yet you lost it all anyway.
I have no show, no friends besides a few crew members, and no hope that someone will want me after I was dumped because I “wasn’t the woman he wanted.”
Oliver might as well have admitted I didn’t have the womb he wanted, but I digress.
Dr. Martin bows her head in understanding. “It’s human nature to avoid anything that will cause us pain.”
“It was so easy to throw myself into work, but while my business thrived, a part of my soul died.”
The skin beside her eyes softens.
I’ll tell my parents you’re not coming. Again, Oliver emphasized with a huff before taking off for the Creswells’ mansion, leaving me to blankly stare at a wall for hours until I cried myself to sleep.
It’s not too late to break things off and find someone more suited for your future, Oliver’s mother had whispered to him while she thought I was still in the restroom.
Thankfully, someone will carry on the Creswells’ name, Oliver’s dad said as his wife passed their daughter’s ultrasound photos around the dinner table.
After my test, it felt like our relationship had taken a gunshot wound to the heart, and I was the only one trying to fix it.
Dr. Martin ends our session with another Jamaican proverb I don’t recognize, and I spend the next ten minutes researching Rockstone a riva bottom nuh know sun hat instead of crying myself to sleep, which is a win.
Rockstone a riva bottom nuh know sun hat:
Sheltered people don’t know hardship.
My second day in town goes about the same, although my psychiatry appointment put me through another emotional wringer. Hopefully the increased dosage of my antidepressants and my new commitment to engaging in more enjoyable activities will help boost my mood, although I’m still a bit skeptical since I barely want to leave the house, let alone decorate one.
I expect my third day back in Lake Wisteria to follow the same pattern of being left alone, but when I finally crawl out of bed at two p.m. in search of food, I’m startled to find the Lopez family spread around our house for our families’ Sunday get-together.
My sister taps at her phone like the screen personally offended her while my mom and Josefina busy themselves chopping vegetables in the kitchen. Rafa completely ignores “Robarte un Beso” blasting from the portable speaker beside him as he watches a Mexican League game on the TV.
“?Madrina?” Nico notices me first and takes off running in my direction. It’s been a couple of years since I last saw him, except for video calls, and he has grown about two feet.
“You’re back!” Nico throws his arms around my legs.
“Hi.” I didn’t realize how much I needed one of Nico’s bone-crushing hugs until now.
My godson peeks up at me with his big brown eyes. “I’ve missed you.”
Madrina: Godmother.
“I’ve missed you too.” I fight the darkness threatening to creep back in. “How’s my favorite godson doing?”
He giggles. “I’m your only godson.”
“For now.”
“No! You’re not allowed.” He squeezes my legs harder, and a soft laugh escapes me as he lets go of me in a rush.
“I’ve been playing the drums you got me for my birthday! They’re the best!” Nico smashes the air with an invisible set of drumsticks.
“Yeah, thanks for that one.” Rafa shoots me a look.
“Maybe I’ll have to get him an electric guitar and an amp for Christmas.”
Rafa’s eye twitches while Nico throws his fist in the air with a “Yes!”
Spoiling my godson comes naturally, although my last gifts have been delivered by courier rather than personally handed over. I know an expensive drum set or pricey guitar won’t make up for my absence, but Nico deserves the best regardless, especially after everything he and Rafa have been through.
I didn’t know Rafa’s ex-wife well, and not for lack of trying on my part, but I do know she didn’t make an effort to integrate with our family.
Rafa gets up from the couch and pulls me into a hug. “We’ve all missed you.”
My first attempt at an honest reply fails, so I stick to humor. “At least your manners didn’t disappear along with your fashion sense.”
My comment earns an eye roll from the surly man dressed in a flannel shirt, faded blue jeans, and a worn ball cap. On anyone else, I’d find the lumberjack-inspired outfit hideous, but on Rafa, it works, thanks to his good looks and muscle mass.
Rafa is basically my older brother, so I’d rather suffer through a stomach flu before calling him attractive, but that doesn’t stop all the women in town from stating it loudly.
He releases me from his hold. “How long do you plan on sticking around this time?”
“Not sure. Depends on a few things with work and stuff.”
“You’ll have to stop by our house and check out Nico’s drum set.”
Nico beams. “Yeah! You can watch me play them, and then we can build that special Lego set you got me—oh! You can meet Ellie too. She’s so nice, and pretty, and the coolest.”
“Who’s Ellie?” The crack in my voice betrays my emotions. As much as I want to spend time with my godson, I don’t feel remotely ready. Because being around Nico always made me yearn for my own family one day, and now…
“She’s my best friend!” Nico’s eyes light up.
“She’s his nanny.” Something dark passes over Rafa’s face before he schools his features.
Mom said Rafa has changed since his divorce and Nico’s retinitis pigmentosa diagnosis, and the truth couldn’t be any more obvious given Rafa’s stern expression and haunted eyes.
Nico grins at me in a way that reminds me so much of his father, missing teeth aside. “Yeah, sure. Anyway, do you want to play a game with me and Tío?”
Tío: Uncle.
I’m hit straight in the chest with a burst of anxiety. “Uh…”
“Please!” He presses his hands together.
“Well—” I choke on my reply.
Rafa’s head tilts.
Nico tugs on my hand. “Come on. We need another person since my dad doesn’t want to play with us.”
Rafa ruffles Nico’s hair. “Only because Julian always wins.”
Nico drags me toward the unopened Monopoly box waiting at the kitchen breakfast table while his dad returns to watching the game. My godson pulls out my chair like a gentleman and waits.
When I don’t move, he pats the seat with a furrowed brow. “Sit.”
His request widens the crack in my chest until I find it difficult to breathe.