I have no idea what Bunny’s actual name is, something like Robert or John probably, but his last name is Bunnell, and he has gone by Bunny for as long as I’ve known him. I don’t know whether I admire him for it or not.
I stand at the edge of the crowd and wish I had a drink in my hand or at least a soda to sip.
“Come on, come on,” Seth is saying over and over as Bunny tries to hit the boss on its vulnerable spot. The character does not hit the monster and is immolated.
“Noooooo!” Seth says over everyone else’s groans.
“Is this personal for you, Seth?” I laugh.
Everyone turns to me. The millisecond of silence cuts like glass.
“Oh, hey, Murphy,” Ricky says, sounding exactly like at practice. “Long time no see.”
Someone in the group finds that funny. Someone else shushes them.
“Kyle told me about the party,” I say. Kyle is a graduate, like me. “Have you seen him?”
“Uh, maybe?” Ricky’s holding hands with Jasmine, who never would have looked at him if Finn hadn’t died. Jasmine is staring at me the same way as Chloe and her friend. The guys from the team all seem nervous, glancing away and talking quietly to one another. The video game is forgotten, and the group that had been sitting on the floor is standing and stretching. A few leave the room.
“Hey, Murphy, didn’t think you’d come,” Kyle booms behind me. He’s holding two cups of beer. He hands one to one of the girls sitting on the couch.
“I wasn’t sure either. Thanks for inviting me.” I’m trying to figure out why Ricky claimed to not know that Kyle was here.
“You not playing anymore?” Kyle asks Jamal.
Jamal shrugs and restarts the level, but most of the room has cleared. There’s Ricky, Jasmine, Kyle, and the girl he got the beer for, plus Jamal and Seth, all on the couch. There isn’t room for me, so I stand.
I’m nearly certain that people liked me for me. Of course, everyone liked Finn more, but that’s expected of the nicest guy ever. Ricky, Jamal, Seth, we were always cool. Not close, but we got along fine.
So I’m not sure what this is.
Jasmine leans forward. “So,” she says, “how are you, Jack?” in a tone that is eerily familiar.
“I’m okay!” I respond with perhaps too much enthusiasm, “I’m looking forward to college, change of scenery and all that.”
“That will be so good for you,” she says, nodding. We’ve only spoken a couple of times before, but she seems to have solid opinions on what I need. “A fresh start.”
I’m about to say, “It’s not like I killed someone,” this time on purpose, when I realize they’re afraid they’ll die too if they hang out with me. Death by association.
Ricky is studying the fingernails on his free hand as if he were the sort of dude to worry about a hangnail. Jamal is playing the game again, this time on autopilot, barely reacting to anything that happens. Even Seth is quiet.
“I guess,” I say, and Jasmine nods again.
“You are so brave,” she says.
Kyle, who’s sitting on the other side of her, glances over at her and then at me.
“Hey, why isn’t anyone calling me brave? I’m moving to California. Murphy is going to southern Missouri,” he says.
The girl on the other side of Kyle, the girl he’d gotten the beer for, laughs and starts to answer, but Jasmine interrupts, leaning across Kyle.
“That’s the guy whose best friend—”
And I’m done.
I think my dad calls it an Irish goodbye when you don’t tell anyone you are leaving, and that’s what I’m trying to do, but halfway to my car, I hear Kyle call my name. I turn, and he jogs up to me.
“Hey, um, sorry about that. I didn’t think those dudes would be so weird.”
“It wasn’t just the guys,” I say. “Maybe I’m off tonight.”
“Yeah, I heard Chloe tried to flirt with you.”
My mind races. So she was flirting, and somehow, it’s already a story twenty minutes later?
“Look. Finn? He was a great guy, and he deserved better. Like, I keep thinking about that night, you know, when he wouldn’t drive home until I put on my seat belt? Shit.” He shrugs. “Like, what I’m trying to say is, everyone feels freaked. ’Cause if something like that could happen to Finn, it could happen to any of us.”
“Yeah,” I say. “It could.”
Kyle winces. “No one wants to think about that. So…”
“Nobody wants the best friend of the dead kid harshing the vibe?” I venture.
“I’m not saying that.” Kyle looks me in the eyes when he says it, but it doesn’t make me believe him. He clears his throat. “I didn’t want you to think no one liked you or something. Everybody knows you’re cool, Jack. It’s just…” He’s already tried to say that he’s not saying what he’s definitely saying.
“It’s okay, Kyle.” Because it kind of is. I’m glad that no one hates me, but I’m also glad that the guys on the team aren’t friends I should be concerned about losing. I clap Kyle on the shoulder. “Thanks for the invite. Good luck in Cali.”
He looks relieved when I climb in my car.
The next morning, I tell my parents about catching up with Kyle and the guys on the team, how it was nice to see everyone but how I’m starting to get more excited about college.
I think a fresh start will be good for me.
twelve
It seems impossible, but it’s time to leave for college.
I finished packing without Charlie having to come home. Before Mom could suggest it, I cleaned my car to rival Finn’s, and I had room for all my stuff. The plan had been for me to drive myself. All my brothers went to Springfield too, and Dad helped move Joey, Chris, Dave, and James into their dorms, but Matt and Charlie knew the drill and took themselves down.
Suddenly, my parents wanted to come. I started to protest, and then I remembered the way Angelina looked when I gave her the first aid kit from Finn’s trunk. So I agreed to let them come.
In the end, the drive was nice. Mom and Dad took turns riding with me and driving their own car during the five-hour trip. At first, during Mom’s turn and then Dad’s, the conversation felt a little forced. But with each of them, there was a thaw, and then we had fun. I guess I haven’t had much one-on-one time with my parents. They’re funnier when they aren’t snipping at each other.
They both knew not to ask about Finn. They both knew his shadow will be following me all day. They know I’m as okay as I’m going to be, but only because I’m not having to talk about how he was supposed to be moving in with me.
“I swear, one of your bothers was assigned this floor,” my mother says. She’s carrying a box and holding the hallway door open with her back as my dad and I struggle with the suitcases. Other people come up behind us and walk through the door too, and my mother holds it for everyone. I’m about to tell her to move before she gets stuck there forever when I notice the handmade placards on the dorm doors. They seem to be themed by an assumption of what sports team the dudes are fans of, probably based on whether they live closer to Kansas City or St. Louis. Seems like a dangerous game for the RA to play. I’m already dreading whatever non-soccer team’s colors will be surrounding my name. But more than that, I’m wondering if they know Finn’s not coming.
Do I want to see Finn’s name or not? I wonder. Would it be nice to see evidence that not that long ago, he had a future, or would it simply be a reminder that the future was taken from him so recently? I won’t get a choice. Either his name will be there or not.
“Three-oh-seven, three-oh-eight,” my mother says behind me. “There’s three-oh—Oh!”
An older guy stands at what’s supposed to be my door, removing the sign with Finn’s misspelled name, Phinaes. He turns and sees us.
“Hey! I’m Josh, your resident advisor! You’re—” He glances at the remaining name tag. “You’re Jack!” He scans my face and my parents. “There’s been a reassignment! Not sure if you knew. Well, there’s always a long waiting list for first semester, so they’ll be giving us the name of your new roommate shortly. Had you connected with your first assignment?”
How much does he know? Maybe it isn’t only high schoolers who think freak accidents are contagious.