“Katarina is… healing,” I finally say. I don’t know how else to phrase it. I’ve spent as much time as she’ll allow me holding her, feeding heat to our daughter, and sharing whatever energy I can through our thread-thin mating bond that is perceivable now that I’m not suppressing my dragon.
Physically, my mate is fine. She was tired and spent much of the interim sleeping in our room. I had a ward master place a special ward where the dome will rest until it’s repaired. I’m hoping that Katarina will want to choose the new design. She loved the previous one, but I want our home to be one that she feels invested in.
Because she may physically be fine, but emotionally… she’s distant. I mourn that with the state of our bond, I can’t feel her emotions. I can only wait for her to sort through her feelings and present to me what she wants to expose.
I’m helpless with how lost inside herself she is, but I do my best to draw her out in little ways. I care for her like a mate who deserves her should.
I fear it won’t be enough, but I hold hope at the words she confessed. I love you. She loves me, and I will prove my own feelings to her. Remembering her words helps with the sentiment of the rest, and it hurts so deeply.
I don’t want to cause her pain, but I can’t help myself from wanting her to choose a life with me. Now that I’m more whole and balanced, I want to be the one who comforts her.
Ben straightens when Katarina exits the door. They exchange a look, and Ben gestures to the harried fae wedding planner. The wedding march music begins.
Everyone stands. Katarina takes her position next to me, and I place my hand on her lower back. The move is an open declaration to the crowd.
I will not hide my mate and young anymore. I will do everything else in my power to protect them, but every instinct I have demands I be open about what they mean to me.
They are everything.
Stella strides forward. Her wedding dress is an elegant lace number that covers much of her skin but fits like a glove. It’s beautiful and a marvel that Ben found something that fit so well in such a short amount of time.
Ben’s shoulders crash down when she passes by us without a backward glance.
Katarina takes in that and watches her friend walk the rest of the way down the aisle to Stoneheart, his face wiped of all expression.
“What have we done?” she murmurs to me.
“People make their own decisions,” I say, but it’s poor comfort.
“It was what she wanted,” Katarina admits. “But it doesn’t make this any easier.”
“Stoneheart is a strong protector. In time this may have been something that she’d have chosen without the pressure of helping us,” I say, though I don’t know how large that possibility is.
Ben turns and leaves the church before the crowd sits. I don’t have the heart to call him back.
It seems I have forgiven him enough to find sympathy after all.
44
KATARINA
I WANT to tell myself that the wedding is beautiful, but the image of Stella biting the lipstick from her lower lip and wincing just moments before stays with me.
“It will be fine, Kat.” Stella shrugs. “Just a little awkward. He approached me a few years ago with this exact proposition. I turned him down because I didn’t think he’d be able to usurp my family.”
We watch as my friend does what Kalos arranged to keep the Council out of our business. I don’t blame him, not really. I blame myself for not realizing how deep Stella’s hatred of her biological father ran. I’m a terrible friend.
It only adds to the list of everything else I’m failing at.
A terrible mother.
A terrible mate.
And I don’t know how to solve any of it. I’m powerless to help Stella. Her sacrifice is what will keep us safe.
And I can’t bring myself to embrace Kalos the way my soul craves. It’s easier to keep everything at a distance.
The ceremony is mercifully quick, the sealing kiss perfunctory. Stoneheart briskly leads Stella out, and everyone begins departing for the afterparty. A stranger asks Kalos if we’ll be there, and he begs off, citing that I’m tired and need rest. Which I am.
The trip home is uneventful. Maggie has food ready for us, and I eat it even if I have no appetite. Griffin asks for pets and stays close after getting chin scratches.
The world is in shades of gray, but this is easier, simpler.
Maggie’s and Ben’s concern is clear on their faces when they wish us goodnight.
Kalos doesn’t show his concern, but I feel the thick blanket of it. I’d been so angry at him, but it’s hard to stay that way with how close he’s been since the scare we had.
Every moment he’s cared for me. Bathing the scent of fae magic and smoke from my skin while I struggled to stay awake. Coaxing me to eat even as my guilt made me nauseous.
Every moment I’ve struggled, he’s been there, patient and gentle.
Perhaps if I don’t snap out of it, he’ll finally get frustrated enough with me to tell me to pack my bags.
But he won’t.
I don’t know if that helps or makes me want to bury deeper into myself.
He pulls us to his room. In the beginning, I’d made an attempt to move back into my old room, but he wouldn’t hear of it and it’s not like I actually want to be alone with my thoughts.
“Ben will check in with Stella daily until he’s confident that she’s okay,” Kalos says as I sit on a couch, staring out the dark window, still in the formal maternity dress Ben had given me to wear for the wedding. “The Council won’t be able to touch us now, but we’ll keep aware if they try.”
His voice fades as he walks into the closet to remove his suit. When he reappears, he’s in one of his robes, and the sight jolts a moment of awareness through me. A moment where I remember that I still exist in this body.
That I love this dragon even if I can’t fathom continuing with this mating with the way my emotions press down on me.
As if he registers the change, Kalos moves slowly, kneeling before me and taking my hands in his.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
“About what?” I ask even as my throat thickens.
Kalos runs his scaled thumb over the back of my hand, not dissuaded by my deflection. “Whatever is keeping you from me. From living. That flash in your eyes is the first I’ve seen of my mate since you woke after the fae gate.”
My lip trembles.
His golden eyes wince. “You’re allowed to still be angry with me—”
“I’m not,” I interrupt and am surprised by the truth of that. I’d worn my anger like a suit of armor, but each piece has melted away when faced with how he’s taken care of me.
Without the anger, there’s only clawing emotions that give my mouth a metallic taste.
“Why aren’t you mad at me?” I whisper as if his anger would make the guilt trying to drown me easier to navigate.
Kalos frowns and tilts his head.
His confusion frustrates me. He should know exactly what I’m talking about.
“I put her in danger,” I say. My hands on my stomach in explanation.