“For not pursuing you that night. For thinking it was because of the rumors and letting it go at that. I’m sorry for allowing you to hate me without doing anything about it.”
“I never hated you, Lan. I hated myself, yes, but never you.” I release a mock laugh. “You were the half I looked at whenever I needed hope. Seeing you being your unapologetic, confident anarchist self made me believe I’d eventually be okay. You gave me strength, even unknowingly, so you shouldn’t apologize. This isn’t on you, it’s on me. You couldn’t have known when I didn’t let you in. And I didn’t let anyone in.”
“What can I do?” he asks with a wretched expression. “What can I do to stop you from doing that again? I don’t understand emotions, but you do, Bran. You do spectacularly well, and I’m asking, no, I’m begging you to tell me what I can do to make it better. Should I fuck off out of your life? Cut contact? Not visit Mum and Dad while you’re there? Will my disappearance stop you from having that nonsensical inferiority complex?”
“That’s about the worst thing you can do, Lan. I need you by my side. I always have. Pretending I didn’t is what shoved me into that dark hole in the first place.” I smile. “I never felt happier than when you asked me to teach you empathy. I was proud that you needed me for once.”
“I always needed you, idiot. I used that as an excuse to spend time with you because you’d made it your mission to avoid me for the past eight years. I fucking hated that. You were supposed to be the one who understood me best, but you turned your back on me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Just…stop doing that. Give the middle finger instead. Works so much fucking better.”
“If I do that, will you stop being so agitated? You’re starting to creep me out.”
He expels a long breath and nods once.
“Come here.” I open my arms and I suspect he’ll push me away since he’s allergic to showing affection.
However, my brother slides right between my arms and hugs me for the first time since that night eight years ago.
He breathes shakily against my shoulder, his hands pressing me so tightly that it actually hurts. But I must be hurting him, too.
“I love you, little bro,” he whispers. “I need you to know that. I need you to know you’re the first person I loved unconditionally and always will. I might annoy you, might act like a dick to get your attention, but that’s only because the thought of losing you scares the living fuck out of me.”
“Love you, too, Lan.” I exhale against his neck, my chest nearly bursting with emotions.
We remain like that for what seems like forever before he reluctantly pulls back. “You tell anyone what I said just now and I’ll deny it till the day I die.”
I laugh. “I got you, bro.”
“Damn straight.” His charming smile spills through, and my brother finally returns to sporting his eternal cockiness.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have him any other way.
“Hey, Lan?”
“I don’t like that tone. What?”
“Since we’re sharing our feelings—”
“Lord, no. Please no. What is it now?”
“I think you know already since, well, you went to the States and, uh, Nikolai was there… Point is, I love him and I want to be with him. If he’ll let me.” I blurt out the last part so fast, I’m not sure if he hears it, and if he does, whether or not he understands a word I’ve said.
“Why the fuck wouldn’t he let you?” He lifts his nose up with an air of arrogance. “The peasant should be honored and worship at your feet for you even looking in his direction.”
“You…you’re okay with it?”
“I don’t like the idea of anyone taking you away, let alone that distasteful brute, but I guess I can try to tolerate him for your and Mia’s sake.”
“Thanks.” My heart beats faster. “Despite his violent exterior, he’s really a teddy bear deep down, you know. A golden retriever through and through. He’s extremely affectionate and respectful and makes sure I’m comfortable and happy.”
“What type of voodoo did he use on my control-freak brother? More importantly, why did it have to be him? You’re allergic to violence and I’m pretty sure he’s illiterate.”
“Lan! I’ll have you know he has a 4.15 GPA. Don’t make fun of his intelligence again or I’ll be really cross with you.”
“Jesus Christ. You’re defending him?”
“Get used to it. I won’t allow you or anyone else to insult him.”
“Wow. Okay. Bring down the protectiveness a notch. It’s revolting.”
“No. Deal with it.” My good mood slowly withers as I clear my throat. “Can I use your phone to call him?”
“There’s no need. He was with me and is currently waiting outside your room like a moping wanker.” He stands up. “I’ll fetch him for you.”
Fire spreads through my chest, and for some reason, it’s hard to swallow, but I nod anyway.
Even if that nagging feeling remains.
What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if Lan forces him?
My brother stops at the door. “One more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Please tell me you top the motherfucker.”
I let my lips curve into a smile as I shake my head. Lan’s face falls and he looks like he’s on the verge of a heart attack.
“Bloody fucking hell!” He throws the door open and then shouts, “Nikolai, you fucking wank, come here.”
There’s a bit of a commotion and I’m scared they’re fighting. I stand up from the bed and grab the IV drip, but before I can move, a presence that’s larger than life is shoved into my room.
Lan winks at me before he closes the door, trapping me with Nikolai.
My hand slowly falls to my side as I study him. He’s in different jeans and T-shirt from the ones he wore last night, his hair is tied into a ponytail, and his face is…fuck.
Anguish and displeasure war into a tight knot. His lips are pursed, and his eyes are dark and enraged.
But at least they’re not empty. I can deal with rage.
One problem.
He’s not looking at me.
Not once has he looked at me since he walked in. His gaze is fixed on the floor and both hands are shoved in his pockets.
“Nikolai…?”
A harsh breath rolls out of his expanded chest, his jaw clenching and his biceps tightening, causing the tattoos to ripple.
“Are you going to look at me anytime soon or do you prefer to stay outside—”
He lifts his head and the words are cut off in my throat. The fear and rage that lingers in his eyes leave me speechless, completely taken in by him.
“How could you?” He strides toward me, his voice vibrating with fear instead of anger. “How could you try to leave me? Don’t you know I can’t live without you anymore?”
The moment he’s within reach, I take his hand in mine. The feel of his skin is like a shot of dopamine right through my veins.