I make it back to the duplex in silence, feeling strange. I’m elated, of course, but it’s surreal, too. I’ve had hits before. But this feels better somehow—more intense—because I love these people so much. I want only good things for them. I want Lorelai back in the spotlight. She deserves it and I was able to help her with that. It’s … it’s a lot. I’m walking up the drive in the dark when I hear the soft strumming of a guitar and her sweet and smoky vocals ring out. She must be on the balcony with Maren. I don’t want to interrupt, so I wait. And listen.
I don’t recognize the song. It must be new. It’s not something we laid down in the last few weeks, at any rate.
You let me go—
Well, that’s a lie. You pushed me out the door.
My heart gives a lurch in my chest. A steady throb. Is she—
And slammed it in my face
You locked it twice.
I didn’t—is that what she thinks? That I froze her out?
And said I was a waste
Of time
Of space
Of effort
Of lace
You let me go
And I bet
you wish you didn’t now
I’m frozen in time, stock-still under the balcony in the dark, her soft words finding purchase like little needles stabbing my skin, poking my veins, and bleeding me out. The words sting, but it’s her voice. God, it burns from the inside out. She hates me. I did this. I kicked her out. I was her friend and I made her feel worthless. Less than. When she’s … fuck. She’s everything and she’s right. I threw it all away.
29
CRAIG
I’M NOT ALONE
I have to leave town. After hearing Lorelai’s song on the balcony, I dart up the stairs as silent as possible and call my sister, waking her up, to tell her I want to surprise Dustin with an adventure in the mountains. I’ll be there at sunrise, ready to go. To her credit, she doesn’t chew me out, much, for the last-minute plans. Either I sound as desperate and unhinged as I feel or maybe she’s just ready for a weekend without kids around. Either way, I pack up everything we can possibly need and ignore the intense pang when I hear Lorelai’s familiar tipsy laughter ring out through the sliding glass door.
This, right here, is why you don’t rent out half your duplex to your friend you’re in love with. Christ, someday soon Lorelai is gonna bring a random guy back to our place and I will have to set the entire thing on fire and burn it to the ground.
After sounding the alarm and making sure everyone is out.
And also maybe sending a letter so she moves her expensive stuff out to safety.
And I’ll grab my asshole cat, first.
Okay, fine, that’s a lot of fucking work. I’ll just move out.
And you know what? After hearing that song, I deserve to have to move out. Once that song hits the radio (which it will because I will produce the hell out of it. I can already tell it’s a banger), disappointed women everywhere will scream it from rafters and I will become the poster boy for fucking up a good thing.
Until then, I have a nephew who needs me (or maybe I need him at this point) and the open air of the Smokies and no girls are allowed. Thank God.
I trade my motorcycle for Melissa’s more practical Chrysler minivan and we hit the road at first light after the requisite stop at Clark’s Mini Mart to purchase our weight in Little Debbie snacks, sugary drinks his momma wouldn’t approve of, and pork rinds (they don’t really count as meat, they’re basically deep-fried fatty air). I can spare only four days, and we plan to make the most of every minute.
I’m not used to sharing my inherited sanctuary with anyone, but I find I’m looking forward to it. It can get a little lonely out there when the sun goes down and the world is asleep. I’ve packed cheese dogs (for him) and marshmallows, along with some of those long metal pronged sticks to roast them over a fire under the stars. Between that and the fishing we’ll do while waiting for our pots in the kiln, I think I’ve covered everything I can remember from the nights I spent learning about pottery and life at my uncle Huck’s knee.
Except by the end of the first day, it’s clear I’ve forgotten a lot of what my great-uncle Huck taught me, and really, the pottery shed has seen better days. There’s a bat’s nest in the corner over the kiln and neither Dustin nor I are manly enough to scare them off, plus Melissa would murder me if I returned her baby with a rabies infection. So instead, we close the door, locking it up real tight, and I make plans to call one of those exterminators that don’t actually exterminate but rather “relocate” the pests.
Good news is I brought my guitar. Even better, I thought to grab a second one for long nights around the fire. So maybe I’m not Great-Uncle Huck, passing on my world-renowned pottery knowledge to a new generation of young artists …
But guitar playing is pretty cool, too. Not to mention, D’s a natural at coming up with lyrics. We take turns over the bonfire laying down rhyming verses, and I’m itching to write down some of his lines. With permission, of course. And full songwriting credit, for fuck’s sake.
We spend the next few days sunning ourselves on the shore, casting lines off the fishing rock, and learning chords at night. We eat fresh fish until we’re sick of it, and then I drive us into town, where we drink iced slushies and he gets a burger the size of his head while I end up with a salad the size of, well, a big plate. Because fiber. Long gone are the days I can live on marshmallows and fried lake perch.
And through it all, I barely think of her.
Finally, when our last night rolls around, we decide to sleep under the stars. I aired out an old two-person tent just in case we actually do see a bear, and we sit around our bonfire.
“I don’t want to go home,” D says, his fingers glued with sugar and chocolate.
“I hear ya. But if I kept you here much longer, your mom would come after us, and that would definitely mess with the whole ‘guys only’ vibe we have going on.”
“I thought that was just for this trip?”
“Why?” I ask, passing him a graham cracker and trying not to laugh at the amount of marshmallow covering his face. “You making plans to bring your dates out here in a couple of years? Because I’ll tell you, it’s probably more rustic than most girls prefer.”
“No,” he says, flushing in the light of the fire. Poor kid has his uncle’s cheeks.
“Uh-oh. Is there a lucky girl in your life, D?”
“Not yet. I’m only twelve.”
I want to tease him, but I make myself stop. This is a safe space, after all. Where we keep our secrets until we don’t want to anymore.
“What about Lorelai? Has she come out here yet?”
Apparently not my secrets, though.
I pretend to be considering my marshmallow, rotating it this way and that over the embers, buying myself some time when I decide it can’t hurt to share.
“I haven’t brought her, no. Though we talked about it once. She seemed pretty excited about checking it out one day.”
“Why don’t you bring her, then?”
I grimace, partly because my marshmallow’s on fire and partly because Lorelai.
“Maybe I will one day. But things are pretty complicated with Lorelai. She’s a super good friend, but that’s all. And it’s not always a good idea to bring your super good friends who are girls on overnight trips to your creepy cabin in the mountains.”
“Because you’ll want to have sex.”