When I asked him how long Cole would be there, a shake of his head was the only answer.
My mother stays with me at my apartment for a week. Dad stays at a hotel for a few nights, then returns home to Oregon and Chloe. Chelsea visits as often as possible, bringing food for me and cigarettes for my mother, who doesn’t drive because she lost her license years ago. Jen and Angel visit too, but the entire time I’m with anyone else, I’m thinking of Cole.
When I call the hospital and ask to be transferred to his room, the operator informs me she doesn’t show anyone admitted under that name.
There’s nothing on the news about the accident. There’s nothing in the papers. There’s nothing on the web.
The only place I find a mention of it is in the LAPD’s online traffic collision report, but when I return to look at it a day later, it has mysteriously disappeared.
Such is the power of owning the media and being besties with the chief of police.
As soon as the taxi taking my mother to the airport pulls away from the curb outside my apartment, I drive to the hospital and take the elevator to the ICU floor I was on with Cole. Not knowing what name he’s checked in under, I tell the nurse on duty that I’m here to see the patient in room nine.
“You can wait in the room down the hall,” she says, pointing. “He’s only allowed two visitors at a time.”
I thank her and walk down the hall, shaking and sick to my stomach. When I enter the waiting room, Axel is there, standing in the corner by a vending machine.
He’s talking to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
She’s Asian. Everything about her is perfect. Face, hair, figure. Wearing a simple black sheath, she’s got her arms wrapped around her body as if for protection from something.
She glances over and catches me looking at her, and I know. I just know who she is.
Kiyoko.
Cole’s ex.
Axel follows her gaze and sees me. He murmurs something to her, squeezes her arm, then walks over to me.
“Hullo, luv.”
My eyes fill with tears. “What happened to miss?”
His smile is faint. “Miss went out the window when Cole decided to lose his mind over you. How are you?”
My lower lip quivers. I swallow, choking back tears. “Not good. How is he?”
He exhales heavily, shoves his hands into his pockets, and shakes his head. “Awake, but not able to speak.”
My entire body goes cold. My heart starts to pound painfully hard. “Oh God. That’s not good.”
“No, it isn’t. But he’s strong. And he’s being well taken care of.”
I glance over at Kiyoko. She’s staring at me like she wants to push me out the nearest window.
Axel murmurs, “That’s an old friend of Cole’s and mine. We all went to university together.”
“Kiyoko.”
He seems surprised I know, glancing over his shoulder at her, then back at me. “Yes. She flew in a few days ago. Let me introduce you.”
He takes my elbow and gently leads me over to where Kiyoko stands conjuring Biblical plagues of locusts to devour me. If eyes could be swords, I’d already be missing my head.
“Kiyoko, this is Shay. Cole’s girl.”
I think Axel just took his life in his own hands with that introduction. Kiyoko looks at him with withering disdain.
I say, “Hi. It’s nice to meet you.”
Kiyoko returns her attention to me. There’s a long, awful moment of silence, then she covers her face with her hands and sighs. “I’m sorry. Don’t mind me, I’m just tired.”
She drops her hands and gives me a sad smile. “Hello, Shay. It’s nice to meet you too. I’m sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”
Thank God. If she’d decided to hate me, I probably would’ve started crying and never stopped.
“Me too. Axel says he isn’t able to talk.”
“It could be damage from the breathing tubes. But I don’t think so. I think he just doesn’t want to. And depending on how bad his spinal cord injury turns out to be, he may never want to speak again.”
The three of us stare at each other while I breathe around the sobs building in my chest. “Can I see him?”
Axel says, “His brothers are in with him now, but when they come out, I’m sure he’ll want to see you. Why don’t you have a seat, and I’ll let them know you’re here.”
Kiyoko and I sit in the uncomfortable chairs and look at everything but each other as Axel leaves the room. He’s gone for about five minutes. When he returns, it’s with a pained look on his face.
I leap to my feet, heart palpitating. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
He looks at Kiyoko, then at me, then stands there looking uncomfortable.
“Well, he’s talking.”
“Oh thank God!”
Kiyoko stands. Without thinking, the two of us clasp hands. She says, “Is he in pain? Does he need anything? What did he say?”
When Axel looks at me, I already know what he’s about to tell me. I know, but it still hurts like he drove a knife right into my heart.
“He said to tell Shay to leave and not come back. He said he only wants to speak to Kiyoko. And he said…”
He pauses to shake his head and sigh. “I’m sorry, luv, but he said to tell you it’s over.”
Cole
When Axel returns ten minutes later, he’s smirking.
Sitting in the chair beside my bed, Callum looks at him and says, “How’d she take it?”
“Oh, I’d say she took it rather well. Took it like a champ, in fact. Nary a tear in sight. She did give a nice little speech though. Quite rousing.”
Carter looks interested. “Really? What did she say?”
Axel looks at me and smiles.
“She said, and I quote, ‘Tell that stubborn SOB that I’m not going anywhere, and he doesn’t get to break up with me. Not like this. If he wants me to go away, he’ll have to say it to my face. And he’ll have to be convincing. Which he won’t be, so tell him to forget about even trying.’ Then she sat down, crossed her arms over her chest, and glared at the vending machine.”
My brothers look at me, then Callum starts to laugh.
“Well, well. Looks like the Grinch has met his match.”
I want to tell him to fuck off, but I don’t have the energy.
So I just lie there in bed and let the tears leak from the corners of my eyes.
Shay
He’s in the hospital for another two weeks. He undergoes surgery on his spine and has countless diagnostic tests and imaging. And still, he refuses to see me.
I come every day straight from work and sit in the waiting area. His father brings me sandwiches and sneaks in wine that we drink from paper cups. His mother, a slender redhead named Catherine, teaches me how to play bridge. His brothers come and go, and so do Kiyoko and Axel, but he never allows me into his room.
I could barge in, but I get more and more angry with him with each day that passes.
He’s trying to freeze me out, but all he’s doing is pissing me off.
On a Tuesday, his older brother Callum comes into my office at work to tell me Cole has been transferred to a private rehabilitation facility where he’ll receive physical therapy and ongoing care.
Then he drops a bomb on me.
“Kiyoko has moved into his house. She’ll be staying there indefinitely.”
Shocked by the news, I stare at him until I find the power of speech. “Are you telling me they’re back together?”
He gazes at me silently for a long moment, then shakes his head. “I don’t know what it means, but I thought you should know. And he asked us not to tell you where he is now, so I’m sorry, but…I won’t.”
When he leaves, I throw up into the trashcan.
A month passes. Then another. Every moment apart from him is a doctor’s waiting room hell where my name is never called and there aren’t any exits.
One Friday night, after I’ve made my way through two-thirds of a bottle of wine and worked myself up into a lather of hurt and indignation, I take out my cell phone, find the number he called me from what feels like years ago, and send him a text.
The night we met, you told me that any man who’d let me go has a personality disorder.