Chased away every bad thought.
A place where her mind drifted, and her heart beat free. Where she was safe. Where she found comfort.
Where she found that feeling that made her believe she was something special, or at least that one day she was going to be.
Tonight, though, as she set the tray on the cooling rack, it was filled with sadness.
With a grief so distinct that the air felt clotted. Like a thick cloud of it had come to blot everything out.
It crushed down around her as she transferred the cookies into a tin and covered them with a lid, and it weighed down her steps as she quietly edged through the sleeping house and slipped out the front door.
She cringed when it snapped a little too loudly behind her, then she breathed out a relieved breath when she heard no movement from inside.
Keeping her feet as quiet as possible, she eased down the steps, and she stayed low as she crept along the front of their house to the side. The second she made it to the path that ran the length of their fence, she increased her pace, hurrying along it under the cover of night until she slowed at the edge of the woods that rose up behind their backyard.
She could hear the trickling of the stream as it rolled over the smoothed rocks, the hoot of the owl, and the rustle of the branches as the crisp fall air breezed through the leaves.
But more than anything else, she could taste the sourness of the sorrow that sat like a blanket that sagged from the heavens.
She eased up to the tree, her eyes tracing the silhouette that she saw from behind.
That shaggy mop of black hair had gotten long and even more unruly over the summer. He’d grown tall during that time, when he’d gone away to spend the summer with his cousin in Washington. He was no longer the gangly boy that she knew, the one who laughed at everything and was always joking around.
The one who devoured every single thing she baked and never failed to tell her it was the best thing he’d ever eaten.
The one who had met her out here so many times when he somehow knew that she was sad.
But this time, she was coming for him.
She eased forward, trying to keep her footsteps light, like she didn’t want to interrupt but didn’t know how to stay away, either.
Ryder didn’t say anything as she crawled onto the branch where they always sat below the star speckled sky.
She didn’t know how long they remained there in the silence, his breaths choppy and strained, his knees hugged to his chest. He had his chin propped on them as he stared out into the nothingness, but she doubted much he could see very far through the fog of pain.
She didn’t want to say something stupid like she was sorry, so she finally whispered, “I brought you something,” as she popped off the lid.
The scent of chocolate and sugar and spice wafted up to her nose, and Ryder made a grumbled sound. “Of course, you brought me something.”
He shifted his face to her. It was red and splotchy, and his eyes were nearly swollen shut from the tears.
She’d known his momma was dying for a long time. She’d been sick for years. But to her, it’d seemed like it’d been that way forever, and she guessed there was a part of her that had imagined that it would just continue to stay that way.
But she’d learned two days ago that death had a way of catching up.
She passed him the tin, and he reached in for a cookie and took a bite. He tipped his head up to that starlit sky and chewed slowly, sniffling as he swallowed. He continued that way until he’d eaten the whole thing.
Then he turned back to her.
His big red smile was crooked.
All wrong.
“How’s it that just tasting something you baked could make me feel better?”
She thought it was kind of a tease, and she rolled her eyes and faced forward. “I know it doesn’t make it any better at all, but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.”
That he wasn’t forgotten.
He’d always made her feel like she was important, and she wanted to do the same for him.
His smile tweaked a little deeper before he grabbed another cookie and took a bite, whispering around it, “No, Dakota. You’re right. It doesn’t feel better. I don’t know if it ever will. But I’m still glad you were thinking of me.”
Her chest felt achy, and her stomach felt hollow. She couldn’t imagine what it would feel like if it was her mom. Her dad had died when she was two, and she couldn’t remember him at all. She only recognized him from the pictures her mom had shown her through the years and the ones that were plastered all over the house.
She wondered if there was anyone who would be there now to help Ryder remember.
“What’s going to happen now?” she whispered. “Where are you going to live?”
The last two days had been hurried. Her mom and Ryder’s aunt had put together the funeral and the reception, which they’d had here at Dakota’s house. Dakota had spent all that time baking and preparing, too, knowing it was the one thing she could do.
More tears fell down Ryder’s cheeks. “I’m going to live with Ezra, I guess.”
Behind it came an angry sound.
“That’s not where you want to be?”
His head shook as he stared out into the night. “No. I want to be home. With my mom. But she’s not there any longer, is she?”
He choked that with an ugly fury, and he yanked at the locks of his black hair, making a sound so low and deep that she knew it came from a place that was rarely seen.
A place people only knew in times like these.
A place filled with agony. A torment that felt like it would suck you under.
She knew he was hurting so bad, but there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. Not the same way as he’d always been able to do for her.
“I told my aunt I wanted to stay at my house. That I’m sixteen, and I can take care of myself.”
“She won’t let you?”
His laugh was dark. “Maybe she would have, but she told me she has to sell the house. There are all these medical bills that need to be paid. So, that fucking cancer didn’t just steal my mom, it stole my home, too.” He spat it through clenched teeth.
Then he was on his feet in a flash.
Jumping off the branch without saying anything.
A storm where he raged below her.
“You should go to bed, Dakota. It’s too late for you to be out here.”
Her heart panged. She hated that he was treating her like a little kid.
She was compared to him, but it was the first time he’d ever made her feel that way.
“I have to get out of here.” He croaked it, disoriented as he looked around as if he were searching for something that had gone missing.
“Where are you going to go?” Fear clotted her whispered words.
His head shook harshly. “I don’t know. Anywhere. Just…away.”
He turned and started to walk, disappearing into the thick bushes and trees.
And she wanted to call out to him.
Beg him not to forget about her.
But she got the sick feeling in her stomach that he would.
EIGHTEEN
RYDER
When I heard the car pulling into the driveway, a smile crept to my mouth. I shouldn’t get used to it, but there was something about it that sent a roll of comfort gliding through my senses.
Something that was becoming familiar.
The sound of car doors slamming before there were footsteps on the porch and then the turning of the lock on the door. But the best part was the clatter of feet and the explosion of excitement that suddenly burst through the quiet and shot everything into this sweet, perfect chaos.
“My Rye-Rye, I find you!” That little voice rode on it as he came running through the house, tiny feet pounding on the hardwood floors before he appeared in the entryway to the kitchen.
The grin splitting his face nearly did me in, his chubby little hand in the air and the way he was pointing at me. “I find you!”
“You did find me, didn’t you? How did you even know where I was hiding?” I set the big spoon on the counter and eased his way, hiking him up into my arms.