She carried a candle into her bedroom. She dropped the bags from her back to the floor, where they lay like two heaps on the rug. She stripped, shivering as the bloodstained linen peeled off her skin.
A quick shower, Marisol had told her. Because it was the middle of the night, and they must always be ready for the hounds to come.
Iris washed by candlelight. It was dark and warm, the steam curling up from the tiles, and she stood in the shower, her eyes closed and her skin burning as she scrubbed. She scrubbed as if she could wash it all away.
Her ears still held a faint ring; she wondered if it would ever fade.
She knocked something off the soap ledge. The clang made her jump, her heart faltering. She almost cowered, but slowly told herself she was fine. She was in the shower, and it was just a metal tin of Marisol’s lavender shampoo.
When Iris was certain she had washed away the dirt and the sweat and the blood, she shut off the valve and dried herself. She didn’t even want to look at her body, the marks on her skin. Bruises and cuts to remind her what she had experienced.
She thought of Roman as she drew on her nightgown. He lingered in her mind as she worked the tangles from her damp hair. When would he wake? When should she return to him?
“Iris?” Marisol called. “Breakfast!”
Breakfast, in the middle of the night.
Iris set her comb aside and carried her candle down the stairs, into the kitchen. At the smell of the food, her stomach clenched. She was so hungry, but she wasn’t sure if she would be able to eat.
“Here, start with the cocoa,” Attie said, offering a steaming cup to Iris.
Iris took it gratefully, sinking into her usual chair. Marisol continued to set down plates on the table. She had made some sort of cheesy hash, full of comforting ingredients, and gradually, Iris was able to begin taking a few bites. The warmth trickled through her; she sighed and felt herself slowly returning to her body.
Attie and Marisol sat and ate with her, but they were quiet. And Iris was thankful. She didn’t think she could speak of it yet. Just having them close beside her was all she needed.
“Can I help you clean, Marisol?” Attie asked, rising to gather the dishes when they were done.
“No, I’ve got this. Why don’t you help Iris to her room?” Marisol said.
Iris’s eyes were heavy. Her feet felt like iron as she rose, and Attie took hold of her arm. She hardly remembered ascending the stairs, or Attie opening her door and guiding her inside.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight, Iris?”
Iris sank to her pallet on the floor. The blankets were cold.
“No, I’m so tired I don’t think sleeping will be an issue. But wake me if a siren sounds.”
She hardly remembered falling asleep.
* * *
Iris woke with a start.
She didn’t know where she was at first. Sunlight was streaming in through the window, and the house was silent. She sat forward, her body stiff and sore. The B and B. She was at Marisol’s, and it looked to be late morning.
The events of the past few days returned to her in a rush.
Roman. She needed to go to the infirmary. She wanted to see him, touch him. Surely he was awake by now.
Iris stood with a groan. She had fallen asleep with wet hair, and it was a snarled mess now. She was reaching for her comb when she saw her bag on the floor nearby, Roman’s directly next to it. Both were scuffed and streaked with dirt. And then her gaze roamed to her jumpsuit, discarded by her desk where her typewriter sat, gleaming in the light.
Carver.
His name whispered through her, and she eagerly glanced at her wardrobe, expecting to find letter after letter on the floor.
There was nothing. The floor was bare. He hadn’t written to her at all while she was away, and her heart sank.
Iris closed her eyes, her thoughts swimming. She remembered his final letter to her. The one she had shoved in her pocket and tried to read before Roman interrupted her twice.
She dove for her jumpsuit, searching the pockets. She half expected the paper to be gone, just like her mother’s locket, as if the battle had also torn it away from her. But the letter was still there. A few specks of blood had dried on one of the corners. Iris’s hands trembled as she smoothed the page out.
Where had she left off? He was asking her questions. He wanted to know more about her, as if he felt the same hunger she did. Because she wanted to know him too.
She found the place. She had almost been at the end when Roman had rudely tossed that paper wad at her.
Iris bit her lip. Her eyes rushed along the words:
I want to know everything about you, Iris.
I want to know your hopes and your dreams. I want to know what irritates you and what makes you smile and what makes you laugh and what you long for most in this world.
But perhaps even more than that … I want you to know who I am.
If you could see me right now as I type this … you would smile. No, you’d probably laugh. To see how badly my hands are shaking, because I want to get this right. I’ve wanted to get it right for weeks now, but the truth is I didn’t know how and I’m worried what you might think.
It’s odd, how quickly life can change, isn’t it? How one little thing like typing a letter can open a door you never saw. A transcendent connection. A divine threshold. But if there’s anything I can should say in this moment—when my heart is beating wildly in my chest and I would beg you to come and tame it—is this: your letters have been a light for me to follow. Your words? A sublime feast that fed me on days when I was starving.
I love you, Iris.
And I want you to see me. I want you to know me. Through the smoke and the firelight and kilometers that once dwelled between us.
Do you see me?
—C.
She lowered the letter but continued to stare at Carver’s inked words.
What is a synonym for sublime? Roman had once asked her from his second-story window. As if he were a prince, trapped in a castle.
Divine, she had grumbled from below, where she had been watering the garden. Transcendent, Attie had offered, assuming he was writing about the gods.
Iris’s heart pounded. She read through Carver’s letter again—I love you, Iris—until the words began to melt into each other, and her eyes were blinking back a sudden flood of tears.
“No,” she whispered. “No, it can’t be. This is a mere coincidence.”
But she had never been one to believe in such things. Her gaze snagged on Roman’s bag, lying in the center of the floor. He had been so insistent that she grab his bag after he had been injured. She could still hear his voice, vividly.
Iris … my bag … I need you … need to get my bag. There’s something … I want you—
The world stopped.
The roaring in her ears returned, as if she had just crouched through an hour of artillery fire.
Carver’s letter slipped from her fingers as she walked to Roman’s bag. She bent down and retrieved it, dried dirt cascading in clumps from the leather. It took her a minute to get the front untethered. Her fingers were icy, fumbling. But at last it was open and she turned it upside down.