My lily is starting to bloom. It’s the most wondrous sight.
The engine rumbles to life, and I watch from the passenger seat as she pulls out of her work car park and heads in the opposite direction of home.
“Where are you going, my night monster?” I say, even though she won’t hear.
Buildings peter out and change into pine trees and untamed bushes. Minutes fly past as we head further away from the city, until she slows down and makes a turn for the cemetery.
Oh. The little flower has come to say her goodbyes.
She turns the ignition off but doesn’t step out of the car, just stares ahead like she’s questioning her decision. I ghost a caress over her cheek in a vain attempt to will her to do what she needs to do.
I will wait a lifetime for her. That does not mean that I am against claiming her sooner rather than later.
My midnight storm twists the ring I gave her and tugs at the necklace like she’s making sure it’s still there. I cannot discern what she feels when she looks at it; whether she sees it as a strength or a weakness.
The car groans as she pushes the door open and marches toward the graves hidden behind the line of trees. Since she woke up from her coma, she has not stepped foot in Millyard Cemetery. She never said her goodbyes to her sister or visited her parents’ grave. When Evan died, she refused to follow the hearse to his final resting place.
Lilith holds her head up as she steps over fallen leaves, sniffling softly, she makes her way over to the three headstones. She ignores the wet grass and falls onto the ground between her mother and sister. I lower myself down onto the ground in front of her.
Birds chirp on surrounding headstones, filling the silence. Her lips twist like she’s trying to find the right words.
“Hey,” she whispers. Silence hangs in the air as a thousand words string behind her eyes. “It’s been a while.” She huffs out a laugh as she stares at the ground and shakes her head. “It’s not like I’ve been busy, I’ve—” she looks up and blinks back tears “—I’ve just been going through a lot.”
The earth around vibrates, and stoic silence blankets the cemetery. The gates to the afterlife have opened to let the spirits beyond hear her.
“Your family is here, my love. Say as much or as little as you want.”
She crosses her legs, unaware that she’s gathered an audience. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner.” Giving up the fight, she lets the tears stream freely down her face as she picks at the skin around her nails. “There’s no valid excuse I could give you. And I’m so sorry. I know you wouldn’t be disappointed in me. It just—” she chokes on a sob. “It hurts so fucking much.”
“Since I woke up in the hospital, I haven’t let myself feel the pain of your loss. I’ve mourned it. Grieved it. But I never felt it. And now that I do, I can’t breathe.” Her entire body shakes. It just shatters me. I need to hold her, I need her to know that I’m right here and she isn’t doing this alone. But this is one of the reasons I’ve had to stand back. She has to do this alone. “I can’t fucking breathe knowing you’re gone. You’re never coming back. And I hate it.”
She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and leans her forehead against Dahlia’s tombstone. “I miss you so fucking much and I haven’t been complete without you. I tried to get back to you. I really did. I tried so hard, Dahl. Even though I knew that isn’t what you wanted. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. You kept showing up at the edge of my vision. And I know that it’s because you need to say goodbye just as much as I do.” Tears stream into her mouth but she doesn’t wipe them away. “I didn’t want to accept that you were gone forever. I knew you weren’t alive, but I was chasing this dream that we would be reunited, and that was the only way I’d get my happily ever after. But the truth is, it’s not the ending that I need.”
My flower isn’t just blooming, she’s blossoming. Immense pride and joy cuts at my sadness. We’ll be together soon.
“You, mom, and dad would want me to live. But I can’t just do that. I can’t just live and move on and forget about you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.” She shakes her head. “Instead, for you, I’ll survive.” Lilith rakes her fingers through her hair and huffs out an exhausted breath. “I’ll survive in my own way. I’ll grow, I don’t know how just yet. But I will, I promise you.”
I eye her curiously as she tugs off the golden ring. She stares at it for a long moment until her tears dry up and the sun is about to set. The faintest smile paints her lips. I want to capture the sparkle in her eye and place it where the sun should be.
“Dahl, I met someone.” She chuckles as if her sister is right next to her, alive and well. “Well, he met me actually. You’ve met him too.” She uncrosses her legs and leans back against the headstone. Her eyes shine brighter than I’ve seen before. “Questionable morals, but I think you’d actually like him. The way into your heart was always to get you pretty things, and he does so plenty.”
Her soft smile fades slightly, but still, she speaks as if she is talking to a friend. “Oh, and Evan died. That guy I was just telling you about took him. I was mad at first, but now I realize that death is the natural progression of life.” Lilith sighs. “Evan ended up being a dick, which isn’t the point. The accident broke him too.”
The sun dips below the horizon, and still, she continues talking to her sister, telling her what has happened to their friends, about working at the cafe and her little apartment and what it's like to live a life without her other half.
When the moon is the only light guiding her path, she kisses the top of all three tombstones, then heads back to the car.
I told myself that I would wait at least a month for her. It’s been three weeks and she isn’t ready yet, her soul is still blocked.
She needs room to grow and to heal. But I made my dark love a promise: she gets rewarded when she’s good.
And I am nothing, if not a man of my word.
Chapter eleven
Lilith
After over a year of therapy, that was the first time I’ve ever felt better after talking. There was no way I would have been able to do it sooner because I wasn’t ready to accept the past.
The truth is that I survived. Whether I wanted to or not. Even if the only reason I’ve survived this long was because Letum did not want to take me, the fact remains that I’m alive. Living is another question entirely.
My body feels weightless as I climb up the stairs to my apartment. The worst of the medication withdrawals have passed, and I’ve been getting the brain zaps once a day at most.
I wasn’t sure what was worse, feeling everything or feeling nothing at all. I realize now that I may as well ask if I would rather see everything or nothing, to be told the truth or to be lied to. The preference will always be the aversion to harm. Living in a delusion will only put a plaster on my wounds, not heal them.
My apartment is dark when I step inside, and my stomach grumbles. I sigh the weight of a thousand breaths as I go through the motions of eating a meal that I’ll probably just swallow without tasting.
The upholstered wooden stool groans when I put my weight on it, and I almost fall off it when I shift. I twist the spaghetti around my fork and lift it in the air to cool it down. My brows knit together as a barely audible sound drifts through the apartment.
I squint before closing my eyes to determine what the sound is. It almost sounds like… moaning?
The stool squeals against the wooden floor, and the cushioned part swivels as I push back from the seat and try to locate the sound. It’s coming from my apartment somewhere.