Rio continues hyping up the crowd and when he gets to the front, he wraps his arms around Ryan. Knowing how much he loves the dude, I’m fairly certain he’s losing his shit at the knowledge that he’s in Ryan Shay’s wedding.
Next is Stevie, hand under her baby bump as she smiles that sweet Stevie smile, making her way down the aisle. The groom peeks a look over his shoulder at Zanders, who is watching Ryan’s sister as if she were his entire world.
When she gets to the front, she hugs her twin brother for a long while before taking her spot directly under the flower arch, but slightly back from where Ryan and Indy will be standing.
The music shifts and we all stand when Indy, wearing her white dress, appears with her dad at her side.
“Wow,” I whisper to Max. “Indy looks like a princess, huh?”
From my arms, Max claps excitedly for her entrance.
She’s beautiful. Stunningly happy smile on her face contrasted to her future husband standing up front and crying like a little bitch. Granted he’s laughing at himself for being emotional and even Indy is giving him shit from down the aisle because Ryan used to be the least emotional man I knew.
Now, he’s a blubbering fucking mess over how happy he is.
She stares only at him the whole walk down and when she and her dad meet Ryan at the front, they don’t speak with their voices. Instead, Ryan signs something, Indy’s dad signs back, the three of them laugh before her dad hugs his future son-in-law, leaves his daughter with him, and takes a seat.
The man that was standing off to the side steps up, using his hands to interpret everything Stevie has to say while she officiates. Ryan and Indy speak with both their voices and their hands the entire time as well.
I couldn’t be happier for them. I can’t think of two better people, but there’s this selfish part of me that aches from watching them say their vows and walk back as husband and wife.
As beautiful as it is, this could be used as a form of torture. Going through a heartbreak? Watch your happy friends commit their lives to each other.
Isaiah pats me on the back after it’s all done. “What do you say we go grab a drink?”
“Yes, please.”
Max was a trooper during the reception, taking a quick nap on me during the toasts. Zanders’ best man speech got everyone laughing, and Stevie’s maid of honor speech was sweet and sentimental. The newly married couple had their first dance before the rest of the wedding guests joined.
The sun has set, the string lights over the dance floor giving enough light to see, but dim enough that it’s moody and romantic. Drinks are flowing; the food was delicious.
My brother has taken it upon himself to dance with every single woman here, well aware from the bouquet toss that the only single women here are elderly widows. Regardless, Isaiah makes their nights, spinning them around the dance floor.
“Hey, Max!” Ryan ruffles his hair before clapping me on the back. “Hey, man.”
“There he is.” I clink my glass of champagne with his. “Congrats, Ry. This is amazing, and Indy looks . . .”
“Breathtaking.” His wistful gaze is locked on the dance floor, watching his new wife dance with his sister.
“You two deserve each other.”
I can feel Ryan watching me, eager to say something about Miller, I’m sure, but I deflect before he gets the chance to.
“Zee,” I call out, waving him over.
Where Ryan will ask me personal questions, wondering how I’m doing, and thinking of ways he can help, Zanders brings humor to our friendship. And right now, I need him giving me shit far more than I need Ryan asking how heartbroken I am.
Zanders knocks his fist with mine. “I promise I won’t bring up how terrible you’ve pitched for your last three starts. And I for sure won’t remind you that you got pulled in the third inning last week.”
I turn to Ryan. “Why is he here again?”
“Married into the family, I guess.”
“You guys had your appointment this week, right?” I ask Zee.
Zanders’ face lights up, a cheeky smile on his lips. Ryan’s proud grin makes its timely appearance as well.
“It’s a girl,” Zanders declares. “And I’m stoked. Did you hear that, Max? I’m finally getting you a new friend.”
Max giggles in my grasp.
“You’re gonna be a girl dad, huh? Congratulations, man, that’s awesome.” I swing an arm over him in a hug.
“Did you know they make little hockey skates with tiny hearts on them? I’m going to get her those.”
Ryan shoots him a knowing look.
“Okay.” Zanders holds his hands up. “Maybe I’ve already gotten them. And maybe I’ve already stocked her closet with designer onesies. Sue me.”
Ryan and I chuckle.
“Do you have a name? I know you had convinced yourself you were having a boy.”
“The name has been picked since we found out we were going to be parents. Boy or girl, this was always their name.” Zanders swings an arm over Ryan’s shoulders. “Just had to run it by this guy first. Which we did at his rehearsal dinner last night where Mr. Unemotional started crying over it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.”
“Her name is Taylor,” Zanders explains to me. “After Ryan Taylor Shay.”
Ryan’s blue-green eyes take on a glossy sheen, but he bites it back. This day has been a lot for him, especially when less than a year ago the guy was a complete recluse, not letting anyone too close.
“Max and Kai!” Indy exclaims, joining our conversation. “I’m so glad you two are here!”
“You look beautiful, Indy. Tonight has been amazing.”
Indy eyes me for a moment, and I can see the questions on the tip of her tongue.
How are you?
How’s your heart?
Are you going to curl up on the dance floor in the fetal position and sob in front of everyone because the girl you’re in love with is off doing bigger and better things with her life than anything you could ever offer her?
Okay, the last one was a bit specific.
Stevie slides in under Zanders’ arm. “My feet are hurting, so if you want to get one more dance in with your baby mama, you better make it now.”
Without a word, the two of them take off towards the dance floor.
“How about you, wife?” Ryan asks. “Can I take you for a spin?”
She smiles at her new title. “Please.”
Indy looks back at me cautiously, as if she doesn’t want to leave me and my son on the outskirts of the dance floor, sad and alone.
“I’ll um . . .” I look around, trying to find something that can keep me occupied. My attention lands on the portable bathroom. “I’m going to go use the restroom.”
I couldn’t have picked the bar? Or the dessert table? I don’t even have to piss.
“Let us take Max for a dance then.” She takes my son before nodding towards their back door. “And don’t use the portable one. Go use the one in the house.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Kai. You’re family. Our home is your home.” She gives my forearm a squeeze before she takes off with Ryan and Max to dance.
With my friends all occupied on the dance floor, I slip my hands into my pockets, head hanging low as I walk into the house to pretend to use the bathroom. As soon as I shut the back door, the music drowns and silence creeps in again.
Things feel like they did before summer began—me, alone, with my friends happy and in love. Only now, I know what it feels like to have what they have.
I feel equal parts jealous as I do grateful.
Jealous that I don’t have it anymore, that I don’t have her by my side to celebrate the good moments with. And grateful that I had the chance to love Miller, to be loved by her even though I never let her say it.
That’s the part that’s getting me through the dark days, the undeniable gratitude that I had her. Our time together was short, but it was everything.
I linger into the living room, wasting time, and trying to figure out just how long I should be inside. I pace, attempting to keep my mind occupied, when I spot a magazine on the side table by the couch.
And right there, the girl who has haunted my every waking moment is plastered on the cover.